AM~Erica's Beady Talk

So anyway...

As we begin Lent (my take on the season, HERE), we are recovering from a string of celebrating from Super Bowl, Lunar New Year, and Mardi Gras.

Many will prepare to have ashes spread across their foreheads in preparation as we remove celebratory decor that adorned our surroundings for the past few days, even weeks.

I surprised my family by pulling out a lot of my Mardi Gras decor and putting it up around the living room & dining room for our own celebration. Hadn't had a chance to do that in the past few years, so I was glad to be able to have some time, and energy (finally), to spruce the place up to look festive.

But, alas, the party is over, and decor must come down.

And as I was pulling down the masks & beads, it reminded me of something:

The beads really stuck with me, especially seeing them all together in a big bunch. I thought about the large number of beads at the AFSP Out of the Darkness Walks.

I've said it before (from my first walk - HERE, and my second walk - HERE) that looking at the layout of beads seems to have a very Mardi Gras/Carnival-type look at first glance.

These beads you see adorning necks at the Out of the Darkness walks have deep meaning. Each color is representative of someone in your life, as it relates to suicide survivors and the relationship they have with those they lost or with those who struggle (even themselves).

As amazing & beautiful it is to see these colors everywhere, the pain behind them is all-too real.

On any given Mardi Gras, I have no shame in loading up my neck with the green, purple & gold/yellow colors. I'm completely ridiculous like that. This fact really isn't news.
However, when it comes to the AFSP event aspect, the green stays around my neck. My struggle is painfully real. (check out my list of posts concerning my struggles HERE)

Since I know I'm not the only one who struggles, I wear the newest color addition to the spectrum: teal. There's those of you reading this, right now, who I know go through this hurt. Because you've told me. Which is a brave thing to do - to step up & just say something to someone.
I feel weird saying it's a brave thing to do. I say it, however, because I've been told the same thing. And I realize when you tell anyone - whether it's for the first time saying it, or if it's to someone new - it's completely nerve-racking! So it does take some courage to say something. And I'm so proud of you!

Because so many of us do struggle with surviving our own attempt &/or intense suicidal thoughts, I know I never want anyone else to got through that. So I support the cause. That means I wear a blue strand of beads, too.

My bead color combo is very different than anyone else's at the walks. There are so many who sport several of the colors, maybe a couple of the same color. The color combinations are nearly as unique as those who wear them around their necks.

**********

As we enter into Lent, my focus is as different as the sets of beads, between Mardi Gras & AFSP. Though a beautiful time, it is much more solemn. We now enter a journey leading the beauty of Easter, just as the journey each of us who are part of AFSP hope to get to the beauty of no more suicide anywhere.

Anyway...beads. I was just contemplating the difference in the beads, how much they look alike, yet how different they really are. Just like each one of us - some of us may appear to be from the same mold, but we aren't.

Many times, we are all actually wandering through our own wilderness looking for Easter.

Keep going. Sometimes it gets darker before the day breaks. Good Friday was hard & excruciating, but it leads to the beauty of Easter.

Keep going.

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica

AM~Erica Spoke for the First Time

So anyway...

Between some health issues within our family, as well as kiddo schedules AND other things I'm involved in, the past few weeks have been really crazy!!

One of the things I've been able to be a part of has been the Out of the Darkness walk in Kansas City.

If you remember, I did the walk last year (reminder HERE), and my advocacy has kind of skyrocketed in the meantime!

Within that year,  I became a field advocate for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, I kept sharing my story & struggle, I was invited to be a part of the board for the AFSP chapter of Greater Kansas (including the KC metro areas), and meaning I would be helping with this upcoming walk.

(part of my journey to being on the board, HERE)

Once again, I was raising funds for the cause, setting a lower goal, and met it - thanks to a small handful of you. THANK YOU!!

Because it all led up to this past Saturday: the Out of the Darkness walk in Kansas City.

Last year was so overwhelming for me.
I was moved to be able to raise funds & come walk for something so important, but I felt out of place.
As someone with lived experience, there was this guilty feeling that washed over me as I stood there amongst all of these people who actually lost someone to suicide. Would they be judgmental & angry with me because I survived my attempt? Would they wonder why I'm still here & their loved one is not? The feeling was almost too much to bear.
However, I was greeted with so much love & understanding; I was told by these people they were so glad I was there...that I made it! Then that was almost too much to bear.

When I first came on the AFSP KS board, I shared my guilt. I asked them why I was even there. I let them know I felt so guilty sitting in their presence since they lost someone, and here I am. This is where beautiful grace kicks in: I was told they needed me there; I was told I could give them perspective of what may have been going through the minds of their loved ones before losing them. I was there to help bring understanding. Then I almost felt like there might be more resting upon my shoulders in this position, but felt better about being there.

With that said, a couple of days before the walk, a few of us were trying to help with last minute preparations. The day before the walk, I was getting calls about more prep I could help with: I was on to pick up a a prize from the Missouri Mavericks hockey team for a raffle prize, plus I got a call that stunned me:
Barb, our wonderful & amazing leader, called to see if I could give a talk the next morning about my struggle.
*GULP* wha-WHA??
But, as it happens, out of my mouth came something to the effect of, "Sure! Whatever you need me to do. I've blogged on it, so I have go-to material. How long do you need it to be?"

What was I saying? I was in the midst of running errands with my hubby, like we do on Fridays, and here I am agreeing to give a speech less than 24 hours from that point. Holy Cannoli! And, not only should it be about my struggle, but make it uplifting to everyone there grieving. Great. Got it.
*ahem*

So that afternoon & evening, I was poring over my previous blog posts to see what I should cover. So, I was cutting & pasting what I thought might be helpful (thank you, God, for showing me the way to blogging), then filling in transitions while trying to edit a bit. But, after a while, I had something.

Then, the day came: the Out of the Darkness walk was upon us!!

I got up very early to get ready. So did Teen Girl. See, she was one of the official photographers for the event. We got around, I had to get coffee, and we were off to Berkeley Riverfront Park in Kansas City.

Being a part of the board, it was important we got there early to help with set up. I was, apparently, in charge of directing the staging of the event setup with the unloading of the truck.
Ummm...I have to confess: I had no clue what I was doing. People would walk up to me with bins of material needed to make the walk successful, and I just kept pointing down the main sidewalk, saying, "Take it that way!" But I did know where registration was, so anything having to do with that, I knew to send them another direction. I'm sure I did great! (I'm sure there's a joke in there somewhere.)

When that was done, I was trying to help set up a table or two, then I was sent to help with registration.
*GULP*
I had no clue what I was going to do! But I went to the walk-up side of registration, got a crash course in how to approach it, then, again, approached it as if I knew what I was doing.

While a small handful of people came to register before the official walk-up registration opening, a familiar face was standing in front of my table while filling out a form, but using a clipboard instead of the table. Though I realized who it was, I wasn't going to let on, at first. He was our event MC for the morning. I just told him he could use the table, but I was informed he had a clipboard. OK, so I let it go. But when he informed me, with shock & fear in his eyes, that he had to take the form with him since he always makes a donation & he had to run to his car, I just simply said, "That's OK, Nick. I'll be right here when you get back, I'm Erica." This is when he nodded & commented on my tutu.

I figured out who Nick was. He looks exactly like he does on TV! Nick Vasos, a local news anchor for the 9:00 AM & NOON newscasts for Fox 4 KC, plus the early morning traffic guy (and sometimes fills in for a brief weather update).
Everyone, say hi to Nick!

Apparently Nick has been the event MC before. He was supposed to do it last year, but had to back out last year. He was back for this year, and I was so glad he was! I knew he was probably there with the loss of a beloved weatherman, Don Harmon (I brought him up in this post, HERE). Come to find out, he'd also lost his brother.
Nick was a wonderful MC! So glad he could join us on the amazing, and beautiful day.

As so many people looked like they were gathering to check in & get registered, things were coming together. The Sean McNown Band was playing while keeping things lively & moving while Nick made announcements throughout.

Then the ceremonies were about to begin, so registration closed, and I made my way over to the side of the stage area.
First up was the bead ceremony - the presenting of each color honor bead by a participant who is connected to that color, plus their story.

I was part of that ceremony last year. I represented blue. Blue is for one who supports the cause.

You know, last year I felt so guilty being there as part of that bead ceremony...among so many who lost someone...while I survived my lived experience...

I watched this year's ceremony, I was semi-listening to the stories. I was going over my talk I was about to give. and had that guilty feeling coming over me again. I was about to take the mic on the stage...to talk about my struggle...to all of these survivors of those they lost. Around 900 people, as a matter of fact.

Trust me, I have no problem taking the stage. I don't mind taking the mic to talk or make announcements. I've done it before to upwards of about 500 people. But usually that was playing a part, or just a quick little announcement. I mean, I've given talks & mini speeches about myself before, but not to a crowd this big...and not about this subject.

My nerves started to pick up. My guilt was setting in. What was I doing? Was this long-winded drivel of mine going to reach anyone? Was I just going to be wasting time?

I don't know if the look of panic was coming across my face, but while Barb had taken the mic, Nick walked over to me asked if I was nervous, then let me know it will be fine & just asked what I'd be talking about about. He explained he'd be introducing me. All I could muster up was, "My experience." He confirmed, then pretty much headed right for Barb to take the mic.
*GULP*

There I was, standing there in my tutu, my EVENT STAFF shirt, and my papers containing a lot of words. And I was introduced, Nick looked my way, and handed me the mic...

...I was on...
*breathe in; breathe out*

I looked around at the 900 or so people & looked down at my papers, and began to speak...

That's me, in the tutu, talking to the masses - picture captured by my friend, April

So I just opened my mouth and began to read the words of who I am, how my struggle came about, how dark it can get, and hopefully offering some hope from it. Even to those grieving the ones they lost.

I was pretty emotional. I didn't know how things were going to go, I just laid my heart out there about my struggle.

Me talking next to the bead ceremony display -
interestingly, next to the 3 colors of honor beads I wear: green, blue & teal.
Photo taken by Teen Girl.

I was ready to give up the mic. I didn't want to look at anyone, really. And I didn't care who the first person was to reach me, I was giving them the microphone...
...Nick walked over. I gave him the mic...and then he hugged me, then a little harder, and a little harder...
Wow...I think I needed that. Just the reassurance. And, not gonna lie...I had to take a couple of tissue breaks during my talk. So one of my thoughts going through my head in that moment was, "Don't snot on Nick...please don't snot on Nick."

I was then greeted by Caroline, one of our walk organizers & a force in the chapter. She hugged me so big! Then by Barb, too.

Barb Nelson, Nick Vasos & Caroline Allen
Photo by Boden Photography

At that moment, a huge weight was lifted from me...and I was almost completely emotionally drained. Just talking about it took a lot out of me.

Then it was about time to begin the walk...
...yet in the meantime, several were coming up to me asking if I was in their heads. Apparently God laid upon my heart what needed to be heard by even just one person. But I was caught by several.

My daughter b-lined toward me. I'll be honest, I'm not always the most forthright with my family about the depth of my struggle. I'm not sure my kids are fully aware that the thoughts still go through my head. So Teen Girl got a few pictures, but said she had to stop because she was sobbing. I think it was a bit of a wakeup call.

I made my way over to the walking course. I couldn't find my team anywhere, so I just began to walk with the crowds. What was wonderful about it was the fact that I actually got stopped by different people to talk about what I said, then even about their struggles, their loved ones, their grief, and why we were there walking. One lady was even on the phone as she walked & stopped me for a hug anyway...while on the phone!

Eventually, I did see my team at a distance, but I couldn't really catch up to them, so I hoped to meet up with some of them later.

Banner for Team SOLOS
photo taken by Teen Girl

On the walk, one lady said she found a flower on the walking path & had been carrying it as it was a perfectly formed flower, but it seemed hopeful since it was part of God's creation. She looked at it & decided I should have it. She was moved by what I'd said.
Many of you know I usually wear a flower in my hair, but I didn't on this day since I didn't know how the breeze would match up with it. So, I placed it behind my ear.

Some other folks I got to speak with talked about the tutus. Especially some with kiddos who love tutus.

When I came upon completion of my final lap, I was greeted by my daughter, and we made our way over to the side of the staging area. Soon, closing ceremonies would be taking place.

As we made our way over, a woman came up to me in tears! She wanted a picture with me, then began to explain she was a survivor of her own attempts. As I looked at her button that begins "I Walk For...," she wrote in the word, "MYSELF!" She did open up about how guilty she felt being there walking with all of these other people who lost someone to suicide when she survived her attempts (sound familiar?). I told her we would get our picture & then I wanted to talk to her...

It was then I began to tell her that it seemed to be a common feeling for those of us in that place. I even told her I still felt guilty being there, and then shared the explanation I got for being on the board. I reminded her she has purpose & that I know she doesn't always feel awesome or beautiful, but needed to give her that reassurance.
Then she did something quite unexpected...
She pulled a ring off of her finger & put it on one of mine. The simple silver band simply reads, "HOPE." She was adamant that I have it. i didn't know what to say, but just hoped that I really helped her in her feelings of being there & to keep going.

Then came the reading of the names: the names of those that were lost to suicide to be remembered. Their names are read allowed to be remembered - their names will continue to be spoken.
After the list is read solemnly, there is the balloon release.

The balloon release contains helium-filled balloons with messages of grief & hope of those lost to suicide. These messages are written throughout the morning & even during the walk & placed with other messages on balloons under a net. When the time comes, these brightly-colored balloons are released together as the messages float to the heavens for our loved ones.
It's beautiful, it's heartbreaking...it's bittersweet.

As things wound down, I went over to help put things away, and I was caught by some more folks. One gal said she remembered my tutu from last year, and that their grief was 4-months fresh. Then, she wanted me to talk to a beautiful young woman next to her. As I spoke to her, I found out she had homecoming that night, and...she almost didn't get to see homecoming. She was just 2-weeks freshly out of her latest attempt. WOW...that was hard! I was so glad she could see homecoming! And I told her I was glad she was there to talk about it, to see this next event in her life, and to keep looking for the next tomorrow. Her mother came into the conversation, too.

Right after that, I was approached by another young woman who had a lot to talk about. Her attempt(s) happen to be right on the forefront of her mind, as well as her ongoing struggle & how it affected her family.

By the time I was done with those conversations, my table was already cleared!, so I took down the signage, the tablecloth & the table. And then to help out where I could.

But...not before trying to get just a few pics in! I didn't get a lot. I was pretty busy this day. But glad I grabbed these couple!

Here I am with my adorable, sweet friend & fellow board member, April

Here I am with Jenn, the amazing leader & founder of SOLOS.
Love this gal, and still credit her for launching my advocacy.
God definitely put us in each other's paths years ago for a reason.

Took a moment to pause as things were winding way down to get a pic
by the river at Berkley Riverfront Park

Plus, I did finally catch up with my team:

Here's a large portion of Team SOLOS
I borrowed this pic from my friend, Jenn - not sure who took the photo

With all of this, I got a few of my take-aways from the day:

Here are my beads: Green, Blue & Teal
plus the flower & the ring I was handed by fellow walkers

T-shirt I received for raising at least $150
(front - above; back - below)

Even though I was so much more involved this year, I still felt so insignificant in this grander scheme.
There's still SO much work that has to be done, folks!! We are still losing people to suicide; we are losing people in their thoughts.

You can still donate through the end of the year! At the time of this posting, you can look at the top left of this blog page & see where you can click to donate.

As part of what we do, $10 helps distribute an educational DVD about mental health & suicide. Education leads to breaking of stigma & making strides in suicide prevention!

In some added confirmation that maybe my struggles hit home with someone, a friend of mine shared a post from one of her friends at the walk. In the post, he said he heard a speech that let him know it's OK to talk about it, so he opened up about his attempts & continued struggles, and that it was time he started talking about it. WOW! This is what we need, people!

Let's start talking. Let's break the stigma. Let's start moving toward a suicide-free world.

(you can read through my journey of struggle HERE)

In the meantime, I need rest. I'm drained. I'm worn down. And it's time for some self care. I need to begin feeling better so I can continue the fight & advocacy. Amm-i-rite?

I will continue to Be The Voice to help #StopSuicide

Also, I may publish my speech soon. A couple of people asked if I would. But I have at least one more speaking engagement coming soon, so I will flag everyone down if I get it published. Sound like a deal?

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica

AM~Erica is 1 of 25

So anyway...

I'm just going to come right out & say it:
I'm 1 of 25.

For all my fellow Trekkies (or Trekkers - whichever you identify with) out there, I realize that sounds very Borg-like. But I'm not talking about Seven of Nine, but a statistic.

Ugh! I hate being a statistic! But I am like many other women who fight migraines AND depression. But that's not what I'm talking about either...except the depression part does lead to this particular statistic.

Did you know that suicide is the 10th leading cause of death?
Now think about this:
Did you know that for every suicide, there are 25 attempts?

That's right. There are 25 people who attempt suicide for every single one who completes their own. We should be heartbroken enough to grieve for the one we lost, but we should be gravely concerned for the ones that are trying to escape pain; the ones that see no other viable option.

People - that's me. I am 1 of 25.

In just a few days, I will have the opportunity to walk with hundreds of others for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) in Kansas City.  We walk for raising the awareness of suicide; we walk to raise funds to lead to the dwindling, and, hopefully, the prevention of suicide.

Many of these people who walk have lost someone close to them due to suicide. This Out of the Darkness walk is heartbreaking-yet-healing in its own experience. There are so many, in just our area, who have been affected in some way by suicide.

Then, there's those like me. The ones who are part of the 25. The ones with lived experience; the ones who failed their attempt. I failed my attempt. I'm still here. They are still here. We don't know why...but here we are.

Now, I don't ever want anyone to ever be in that position! Ever! But I do still struggle. Many of us who have failed our attempts have tried more than once &/or fight the thoughts to do so again.

~~~~~~~~~~

When someone shows up to one of the Out of the Darkness walks, pretty much everyone is wearing beads around their necks. Though it seems like something out of a Mardi Gras celebration, it isn't. It's much deeper than that.
These are honor beads. Each color represents a category of why they are walking.

When I showed up for the first time, last year, it slowly begin to hit me when I saw these colors (some had more than one) draped around their necks:
When someone is wearing a red one; when someone is wearing a couple of white ones; when someone is wearing a white AND orange one; when someone is wearing a white AND silver one; when someone is wearing a couple of purples AND a red one...I think you get the picture.

Let me tell you why I walk.

First, I walk because I am 1 of the 25.  Remember? And you know what? I know several others of you reading this right now are part of the 25. I walk so we can break the stigma & speak freely without feeling as we are looked down upon because we struggle, or get backlash because of our pain.

Suicide seems to be such a taboo subject. The things people say to someone who lost a loved one, or who just openly say such callus things about suicide is shocking, and heartbreaking.

I know those who have lost a loved one to suicide. And the things they hear certainly don't help with healing! If no one is going to tell someone who lost a loved one to a heart attack or cancer that their loved one asked for it, then it shouldn't be said about someone lost to suicide.

This thing is bigger than me. It's bigger than you! People are suffering & get to a point, in a skewed reality, that the pain is too great to go on. We must fight for these people!!

With 108 suicides every day, there are 2,700 attempts in the same time frame.

There's so much we are trying to do. So many lives we are trying to save!

So, when I walk, I will wear the GREEN, TEAL, and BLUE honor beads.
I have lived experience & still struggle.
I know of others with lived experience &/or struggle.
I support the cause, because I want to see an end to suicide all together.

Now then, you can help, too.

I am, once again, walking with Team SOLOS. And I am raising funds. Every little bit helps.

Donating online is easy & safe. You can click on my picture, below, to take you to the fundraising page!

Even $5 will bring us closer to a world without suicide. And AFSP is the leader in funding research leading to finding the roots of the fatal suicide side effect of many illnesses.

Being a part of AFSP, we are looking to drop the suicide rate 20% by the year 2025. It is thru the funding for education & research that we can do this, and your support.

Chances are you have been affected by suicide in your life: maybe you lost someone, maybe someone close to you attempted to take their own life &/or struggles, maybe, just maybe, you are 1 of 25.

Maybe you would care enough to join us this weekend. We will be at Berkley Riverfront Park. We will be walking, volunteering, supporting, grieving, hugging...and just be there for each other as we continue to raise awareness of suicide.

You can still register online thru Friday, October 2nd, until NOON (CST) at http://afsp.donordrive.com. When you come, which honor beads will you don?

Thank you for any help you are willing give.

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica (1 of 25)

World Suicide Prevention Day & AM~Erica Still Struggles

So anyway...

Only if you are very new to at least a glimpse of my world, or you choose to not to pay attention, would you NOT know about my advocacy, maybe.

Today is September 10th, which is World Suicide Prevention Day. Today we continue raise awareness about the epidemic of those who take their lives due to the fatal symptom of suicide that can come with most mental illnesses. Plus with the amount of types of bullying that attempts to drag down another human being, it can lead to the feeling of self worthlessness, and can lead to the same outcome.

Today I make my yearly plea (because I usually post on this day, for sure, each year) to break the stigma around suicide. Let's talk about this.

Recently, I made sure to just talk about it (HERE). It's a part of my drive to make sure what has happened to/with me is known and very real. I'm also not the only one who deals with this. Even though it can feel very lonely.

I am usually ready to jump on National Suicide Prevention Week. Blogs, stats, quotes, sites, tips, etc...but I haven't done as well this week. As I was trying to keep stuff out there, I have been struggling this week. That empty sadness settled in, and I was having issues just functioning. And it does lead to not even wanting to talk about what you are struggling with...during a week we need to be talking about it!

With that said, I want to apologize for not being more forthright with info this week, but hope you understand at the same time.

I'll be OK. And here to tell you that you are not alone.

Do you remember last year when I did the Out of the Darkness memory walk with Team SOLOS? (reminder HERE) Well I'm doing it again. If you would look to help out & give to the cause, let's get funds raised so it can go to help go toward resources, research & awareness to lead to abolishing suicide! Wouldn't it be wonderful to see this in our lifetime? You can help me out by clicking the photo, below.

Click this photo for my AFSP Out of the Darkness
fundraising page & story.

In the meantime, please be sure to check out my collection of blogs about my own struggles, failed attempt, and other info, HERE.

And thank you for hanging with me. I am a bit out of sorts it seems today. But I wanted to try to continue to get any info I can out there about suicide as I do my best to keep the awareness up. I will try to do better in the future. Because I plan on there being a future.

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica

AM~Erica Walked Out of the Darkness

So anyway...

Yesterday was draining!
Physically & emotionally...well...draining.

These past few months, I've been asking for support & donations for the AFSP of Greater Kansas (City)'s Out of the Darkness walk.

It's a walk that is a memory walk for the loved ones who lost someone to suicide, as well as those who have &/or still suffer. Teams & individuals raise funds for the awareness that will hopefully lead to the dwindling & eventually the prevention of suicide all together. As these walks grow, it's proof there's work to be done.

A few things happened yesterday that were really powerful. Let me try to pull myself together so I can tell you about it. If I get emotional (which I probably will), just hand me a tissue. I just want the word out...

The 3-mile walk took place at the Richard L. Berkley Riverfront Park. What a beautiful setting! And I heard it would be an emotional, supportive & healing day. Though those words do describe it, it's hard to just tell you about how true these adjectives really were.

I was so excited to see my friend, Jenn. I hadn't seen her in probably 20 years! We reconnected in a big way on Facebook...but not quite the same. If you remember, she's the one that started SOLOS ~ Survivors Of Loved Ones to Suicide. And I knew it was her in the distance! I ran up to her!! Our reconnection was so emotional! I was so happy to see her...just not under these circumstances. But as we talked, we knew God had put us in each other's paths for a reason. And here we were.

Just me & my girl, Jenn.
Love this girl & the reason I decided to tell my story.
She took this selfie of us.

Then I made connections with some pretty wonderful people in the meantime: Caroline Allen & Barb Nelson. These women are powerhouses for this Out of the Darkness walk...and their stories are heartbreaking. Loss of a spouse; loss of children. Mental illness that leads to suicide is a monstrous beast! I am so blessed to have met these women...but again...not under these circumstances.

I was running into people who were commenting on my tutu (of course). And we began to share stories, and we would erupt into fountains of tears, followed by much hugging. So beautifully overwhelming...

I had almost forgotten to check in as I was taking in what was going on around me, so I made sure to do that. As I checked in, the guy marked off my name & exclaimed, "Well, you raised a dollar or two!" He then turned around to get me a tshirt. See, if you raised at least $150, you get a tshirt! Because of some very gracious friends & family, I had raised $1,150 for AFSP! Thank you to those of you who helped with the cause!

Then I went over to get my beads. No, they aren't treated like getting them at Mardi Gras. Instead, there are 8 colors, and you get beads for how you are affected in this cause. I got green & blue beads. Green means I personally suffer, and blue is because I support the cause. I actually got 2 blue beads because I was asked to be a part of the opening ceremonies. I was floored & overwhelmed to even be considered! I was asked to represent those who support the cause...

A wonderfully sweet gal, named Katie Rohr, put the bead ceremony together. There were 8 of us on a tiny stage standing on either side of a decorated metal heart with colored daisies on it, one for each color represented. I was hearing stories of those who lost a partner/spouse, those who lost a sibling, those who lost a parent, those who lost family or close friend, those who lost someone in the military, someone else who suffered personally, and then...there was me. I was already crying listening to the heartbreak of these people standing there with me...in front of about 800 other people. As my name was announced, my story was being read as I placed one of my blue beads onto the decorated heart. Though I was so honored to be a part of it...I felt so insignificant...I knew that I could have been one of those colors of beads around someone else's neck. That's hard to bear. But I stood there on stage in my Team SOLOS shirt & tutu (of course I was wearing a tutu), bundled up in layers (cuz it was COLD), weeping. I couldn't even look at the crowd. It was a tough & beautiful moment.

There's me standing on stage trying not to knock my new friend, Shaun,
off the stage. He is on the AFSP of Greater KS board & a fellow attempt survivor.
He's pretty awesome.

That's my friend, Jenn, talking! And me on stage, plus me walking.
My high school friend, Amanda, got these pics!

A pic from Barbi (who was a fellow walker that I went to high school with)
Just me walking with Amanda & her son with his friend

Then we cleared the stage to make way for a couple of speakers...one of them was Jenn. She was beautifully eloquent about losing her mother, what it meant to her, and how she's helping others others with their grief thru SOLOS. And she is what inspired me to step forward with my story so maybe I could help others who are not only in my position, but also to try to help others who do not struggle learn to have conversation & to help break the stigma. So I owe a lot to Jenn.

We also heard from Susie, the Chiefs' Cheerleader who rides Warpaint!

As the opening ceremonies were winding down, the teams began to gather & the walk began. For those that could, there were 3 loops around, a little over a mile each. I got to talk to some from high school that I probably hadn't talked to since...well...high school. I also got to meet a few on the team I didn't know at all, also. And still more stories were coming as to why those of us were walking that day.

And I was glad my girl, Monica, came to join us this year, too!

When the walk was finishing up, the walkers were gathered back together for some closing ceremonies. There were about 4 participants who were honored for raising $1,000 or more for the cause. Remember how much you all helped me raise? Yep! I was called up to the stage! And I got a certificate, a ribbon, an AFSP pin & an AFSP Out of the Darkness bracelet. Oh...and a hug from Barb Nelson.

Me on stage with Barb Nelson

It then went on to the reading of names of loved ones lost to suicide. My friend, Jenn was asked to do this along with my new friend, Caroline. Wow! That was heartbreaking! And moving...
It was followed my a moment of silence for all of these who we lost...
Then there was a balloon release with names & messages of & for those lost to suicide.

A pic of the balloon release from Barbi.
Isn't it beautiful?

It was pointed out that the tears shed this day were not of sadness, but of healing.
Pardon me...I'm getting verklempt...

*ahem*

As things were winding down, and raffles were being handed out, I knew I needed to head out. It had been a long & emotional day. And I met some wonderful people, and got to reconnect with others. It was beautiful.

As I come away from this event, I know this is where a passion of mine is. It was certainly cemented at the walk.

I have also taken first steps into my field advocacy for AFSP. The ball is rolling & I'm looking forward to getting the word out, to stop the stigma, to open conversation, and to make sure those who need treatment get the treatment they need.

I know there are many out there who are grieving those they have lost to suicide. And with the stigma still so high, it can be so hard to grasp. But please know, these people who suffer do not choose suicide, they don't want to suffer anymore &/or be a burden to others. Please understand their reality becomes different during an episode they go thru. I want to be clear on this.

But, there's those of us who are still here. We don't know why, but we are. And we realize there's family hurting because of it. It's that high stigma & expectation thing, I guess. But to the families who still deal with the grieving that almost happened...let your family member know you are glad they are still here. Don't hold the resentment. Somehow there's another chance. More life has been given. And it's OK to talk about it. We NEED to talk about it! I know the more I talk about my struggles, the less likely something will happen. Because I still suffer from time-to-time. I don't choose it. None of us do.

And for those who are in my shoes, and I know you (or a loved one) is still here after a failed attempt, I walked for you. I honored each & every one of you that I knew of.

So, I walked in a way that would honor you (them) by wearing the initials of those of us who are failures...and are still here to talk about it.
I will never give a story out. Several have come to me with their own struggles or a struggle within their family/friend circle. I also know it's tough for many still. So if you come to me, I will never give out those stories. They are not for me to tell. But I will keep you in thought & prayer. And with initials on a bracelet during the walk.

I have something special I will be doing with these bracelets. And if I had your initials, I will be contacting you soon. I walked for you & the fact that we are still here. A walk of healing among grieving folks who actually lost someone. We are here to tell our stories in our own time. Heck, it took me over 20 years.

And now there's work to be done. Stories to share, conversations to be had, stigma to drop. We can do this. We ALL can help!!

Be watching...I may be helping with these walks next year...I have an in!

As always, thank you all for your support!

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica

AM~Erica Has One More Week

So anyway...

I'm a bit emotional.

I know...I know...for those of you who know me, you may be wondering when I'm NOT emotional about something! But seriously & for reals right now! I am...

In just one week from today, I am participating in an event that is for something near & dear to my heart.
In just one week from today, I am participating in the Out of the Darkness Kansas City walk for suicide prevention.

That's right. This fundraising I've been doing for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention is coming up very quickly!!

I cannot fully express how moved I have been from some very supportive individuals. It's because of them that I raised my fundraising goal!

The AFSP of Greater Kansas City is looking to raise $60,000 for research & resources leading to the prevention of suicide, especially by mental illness. The overall goal is still well below what they are hoping for.

I want to do my part. I want to be able to raise funds to support this amazing cause!

If you remember, this near & dear to my own heart...because I suffer. I have suffered. I know many others who have suffered. I know of those who fight. I know of those who have fought & lost.

Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States right now. That is a tremendous statistic! This just covers those who have actually died by suicide. This doesn't include the number who have tried & failed. Those of us who are still here because we managed to get out of that current war we were fighting...and might still be.

I thought of it this way earlier today:

~~~~~~~~~~

Mental illness & suicide is like fighting a war. A secret war.

We go in fighting a war not knowing how we will come out of it. We didn't want to be drafted into this war. The ones that make it back alive are damaged. There's the ones that can get passed it for the moment, but most remain haunted by it daily. And, upon their return, it doesn't mean they will never be called back to their own front lines...always with the chance they may not return next time.

Then there's those who fight hard. And sometimes the war wins, taking the life of this loved one who fought so hard for a life to live.

There's those who don't understand this war & wrongly condemn those who are forced to fight it.

Mental illness & suicide is a war being fought every day. It's a war that can be averted if we are honest & open about it happening.

~~~~~~~~~~

Every day, it's a war that's so misunderstood! Such stigma is still attached, and it hurts. Badly.

I've also witnessed the misconception that it's only suicide if there's a note. Nope. Not always. Many times there will be. Not all those who fight will leave their final thoughts. But it doesn't mean they loved those around them any less. They just didn't want to be a burden to those they love. 

Look...those of us who fight do have our own battles. Just because one is different than another's certainly doesn't mean it's lesser by any stretch! Whether someone lost their own battle, or if someone is still battling...it's hard! It's hard to take & hard to accept sometimes. I realize that, especially if you don't understand the battle. But what is being asked is that you talk about it with a willingness to learn...a willingness to try to understand. Making blind judgement on a war you don't understand makes you look foolish.

I am upping my battle warfare. I am in the midst of becoming an advocate for AFSP. It's a really big step to take a bigger role in something I'm very passionate about. Because I know. I've been there. I get it. And others need to know what is being dealt with & how it is planning on being fought as support is being asked for. So I am looking to take on a role that will help move the prevention of suicide forward.

And to help begin this journey is to participate in the Out of the Darkness walk, one week from today. (Remember me bringing that up?)

This particular event is for fundraising to help the AFSP. You can read more about this important organization HERE.

If you also remember, I've been working on raising funds for them. And as I want to help them as much as I can to reach their $60,000 goal, I am $400 away from my current goal. And I would like to be able to reach $1,500 before the walk on Saturday, October 4th.

Click image for my story & to donate

I have a couple of incentives to throw out there:

1. If I reach the $1,500 goal before Saturday, I will streak my hair with purple for the walk. Should look pretty cool in pictures.

2. If I exceed the $1,500 goal before Saturday, I will have all of my hair colored purple for the walk. Should look pretty amazing in pictures.


So, there's a start for you. Because there won't be any purple if the $1,500 cannot be reached. I REALLY want to raise at least that for this organization! It's the least I can do right now while I continue to raise awareness of how real this battle is.

Also, I have had several private conversations with some, in the last several months, who have been in my position. It hurts me to know there's others who have been what I've been thru...but still grateful they are able to talk to someone about it. And, with the stigma still attached to it, they are are afraid to come out of that shadow. I will not be the one to drag them out. I will meet them where they are at until they are ready to speak up. They may never be able to. And we must be understanding of that. But now I want to address those few of you I have spoken with about the struggle:

I want to honor you in this Out of the Darkness walk. I make a solemn promise that I will not share your identity unless you give the OK. But I want you to know that you are being thought of in your struggles (past &/or present) during this healing event. So, I want you to contact me, privately, so I can discuss with you what I want to do. I have some on board already & looking forward to showing there's more of us in this world. You can send me a private message on Facebook or you can email me (erica.williams74@gmail.com). I'm looking forward to honoring the fact that you are still here...like me. I look forward to hearing from you! And, I may track some of you down based on previous conversations. I hope you will allow me to honor you.

I am going to get to hear our Team SOLOS captain, and my friend, Jenn, get to speak to the masses at the walk! I am so proud of her & the message she spreads since losing her mother to suicide. It's been her passion that really moved me to come out of my own darkness to be a voice for mental illness & how it can lead to suicide...and as to who does or does not come out of the secret war alive. And I have also been asked to be a part of the event. I am so overwhelmed by the honor to even be asked! I will be a part of the pre-event. And I'm choked up even thinking about it right now!

And I feel the burn deep down inside to keep going with this passion. I feel like my struggle is part of my calling in this. We will fight this...and want to see an end to it! All of it that leads suicide. To erase the stigma so that talking about it would not bring dark human judgement by our own battles.

Until then, I ask for your support in this event & my advocacy beyond just this coming Saturday as I hope to step up my role for the cause. And if you need reminding of what I've put out there, please check out my "*My Struggles (Depression & Suicide)" tab, above or click HERE.

I'm a bit passionate about it & those who struggle.

Still glad to be a failure. And glad you're still here, too.

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica