Monday, September 10, 2012

AM~Erica is Wearing Yellow

So anyway...

I made an observation not too long ago. It had to do with the color yellow in songs I've heard over the years. The color, itself, is usually bright & cheery with a lot of energy. Am I right? Yet the songs containing the color seem to be very chill & mellow. Generally, though, the songs & the color tend to be very memorable & leave you very happy.

That's why I think it's a good color to wear today & thru this week. See, today, September 10th,  is World Suicide Awareness Day...and the awareness continues thru this week. It has been raised since there have been so many more in the last few years. Most of the awareness has come from the bullying and NOH8 movements, which I also FEEL STRONGLY ABOUT, and it generally surrounds the LGBT community. But these movements truly transcend just that community. And the suicide rates have also jumped with the low economy including the loss of jobs & self confidence. There is so much more behind some of these people doing so. A black & dark cloud of evil just swallows you. It really does appear to be no way out. People with forms of depression & some mental illness fight this a lot. There's those who attempt suicide & fail...and...the ones who sadly succeed. That is one success I would hope we never truly want to achieve.

When I talked about Mother's Day, I shared a bit of my battle with depression, and COVERED IT A BIT MORE since then.

With this week being Suicide Awareness Week, I thought I'd kick off the week with another  confession about myself: I survived my own attempt. Only a tiny few know about this until right now. Shocked?

I went thru a rough time in high school. I was a horrible teenager. But I had dark things going on that even I didn't know about. Dates & years of the stuff that happened are gone from my head, but I remember them happening. One of those times was my suicide attempt.

Let me just say that I am a wuss. I'm not kidding. So, I didn't want to physically harm myself. So...I decided to overdose on whatever I could find. With one can of Coca Cola, I took a pill with every drink or two. It's a blur in my mind, but I remember asprin being part of the mix, I couldn't tell you the rest. I literally took at least one of everything I could find in the house. And I had enough medication to last me thru the whole can of Coke. I was hoping I could just lay down after that & let the messed-up-mixture take effect & just take me. Instead, I was vomiting for 2 days straight. I missed school because of it, but I didn't reach the ultimate goal I was truly striving for. I failed...luckily.

Looking where I'm at now, I realize there were things ahead of me that I had to finish. Like my husband & children. They never would have come about if I'd succeeded in such an awful action. My hubby may never have answered God's call to ministry if I had not been there to help him answer it. (Side Note: He's a darn good preacher, too! That's not just biased opinion either. Come check out his anointed messages sometime, especially if you haven't already.) And? There are many of you I would never have gotten to meet or know. It's amazing having each of you in my life, no matter how you made it here into my craziness.

Another part of the suicide prevention for the LGBT community is "It Gets Better." Well, again, that can be said across the board. It might seem like it won't...but it will. Keep going...there is a light. My life is crazy, it's trying, and it's GOOD!

It's always good to know there is a support system for you. And you have one. I'm glad I do since I still struggle with the thoughts sometimes. I know where I failed & I know how I would do it "next time"...I can visualize it & feel it when I'm so down. But my plan is that there won't be a "next time". As I am putting this out for all to read, I don't want to succeed in taking my own life. I have a lot to plan for & move forward with that includes family & friends.

Thus far, I have been totally quiet about my "past". Like I said, such a tiny few knew about my attempt...maybe 2 or 3 people. It's not something I just work into conversation. Even with a couple of other friends that I know who have tried to take their own lives...I talk them thru it without ever revealing the idea that I truly understand.

It's also a reason that I get heartbroken & frustrated with flippant "jokes" telling someone to kill themselves. It's crass. I'm sure that's the point...but there really are people who take that to heart. Suicide is one of the subjects I feel should never work its way into a joking & light-hearted manner. There is nothing light-hearted about the heaviness of the world on the shoulders of the one with those thoughts of taking their own life.

Today is World Suicide Awareness Day. You are asked to wear yellow &/or write "LOVE" on your wrist to raise awareness that we are all beautiful & that there is a light in every one of us. Since it is a whole awareness week, and if you missed it today...please participate at some point this week. You are now aware that you know someone who attempted...but did not succeed. Luckily. In this sense, it's good to be a failure.

Join me. Whether you view the color yellow as bright, electric & cheery, or if you see it as laid-back, easy-breezy &'s loved & memorable. So are you.

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica


  1. Erica, am fully impressed with your message. Keep getting the word out and know you have family that supports your endeavor!