AM~Erica's Dark Side of Despair: There's Work to be Done

So anyway...

Quite some time back I made a decision to be as open & honest as possible about my mental health.

I hit a hard low, very recently. It had been building, but the depths of despair became unbearable. It was to the point that I knew I had to make good on a promise to find help.

Luckily I'm blessed with friends who can oddly sense when I'm entering a dark place - even when they are no where near my vicinity.

I hit a major low. It had, apparently, been slowly building...apparently. I just know I had a new symptom kick in that I am not used to: sensory overload. I have not been handling it well, and it has been affecting my actions & reactions. Irritability, snap reactions, all the sound being too loud & garbled at a level 12 through the air, people (yes, even my family) are just too close in my bubble, everything is making me feel claustrophobic - like I'm slowly melting & collapsing on the inside, as well as not handling the ebb & flow of an ever-changing schedules well. Yeah - that. It was leading to empty despair that I was getting lost in. A deep, dark abyss was swallowing me up - I was drowning on dry land.

My hubby wanted to bring it up, but didn't want to scare me & possibly bring me down any more. I have a very dear friend who messaged me to see if I was OK.

As I am training for a big race coming up, I am needing to get some hard running in. I had a plan of how I would work in a couple miles of hills, not too long ago:
My hubby headed back to work from his usual extended lunch at home, so I had some time to perfectly work in the time needed to get the hill work in before the hustle & bustle of getting the kiddos picked up was to commence. I was coming onto AND on my first big hill when my phone was vibrating like crazy on my arm. I knew I needed to cut the run short, knowing I at least got one hill in. As I looked at my phone, I realized my hubby AND daughter had been trying to call me! I called my daughter back first, and she exclaimed, "Oh! thank God! You're alive!" I was very confused by that, and really wrote it off as usual over dramatics. She told me she was done with work...and hour & a half early! Without getting to get rehydrated, proteined or changed, I had to take my semi-sweaty self, still in full layered running gear, to pick her up. I was NOT happy for the shake up.

I usually tell someone when I go on a run, but I was just going to be gone a short time. I didn't have to start getting kids for at least an hour, plenty of time to get my run in...and didn't figure my hubby would be calling since he JUST left the house with some meetings to prep for. So, I was just going to work it in...

Come to find out, I had been exhibiting an upswing in my odd symptoms, and when neither by hubby NOR my daughter could get a hold of me, they truly thought I'd taken drastic measures with my life.

**********

When my friend flagged me down (one who lives NO WHERE near me), she said she was worried about me. She gave me the number to NAMI so I'd have it right in front of me so I could call & get help. Because I already knew I was probably at that point to make good on a promise that I would try to see someone if I started to become consumed by the abyss.

I got myself together, called NAMI, and a guy very quickly asked where I lived, then gave me a number for a very close by place to call, and that was it. So, I took another deep, and labored breath to call the place. Since I'd never been before, I actually had to leave a message in hopes someone would call back with help.

In the meantime of the wait, I broke it to my hubby that I had called to find help. That's when he said he was glad, and started breaking down all of the signs I had been showing for longer than I'd realized. And here we were, at my lowest point in a very long time.

I sat nervously wondering if I'd get a call back from the ONE place I was given a number for. All of my energy was put into those two phone calls: NAMI & place NAMI gave me the number to...

In my estimated guess (because I was in a slump of time in this moment), it took anywhere from 3-4 hours to get a call back. My thought process, in this time, was feeling forgotten by a place you were told could help me. My thoughts were going to dangerous places. If I couldn't get help, and if I couldn't deal with everything going on around me, and if I was truly frightening my family with my apparently-obvious burden...well...

...however, when they finally called, I had a release. I told them my despair & why I needed to see someone. I let them know I was given their number by NAMI, who's number I was given by an important friend. I let them know what I was going through, and that, yes, I had thoughts of taking my life...but I wouldn't. My safety net is that the means my brain goes to for using isn't allowed in the house; I don't have the energy to seek it out, either.
I was put on hold to see what they could do for me...
Then I was told they didn't have much room for me, that they really only help the uninsured & those in financial need, and, "...here's some numbers for you to try. But if you can't get to them, please call us back. Make sure you have the crisis line close by incase things escalate for you. And take care of yourself." I was told this after hearing what I was going through AND acknowledging the tearful despair in my voice!

I took down the numbers, but here's a basic rundown of options I was given, even in the state I was in:

~ Call you insurance & maybe they can give you some numbers of doctors in your network

~ Here's numbers to two different psychiatrists if your insurance covers them

~ Write down the crisis line to have handy if you think you will truly hurt yourself

You know what? It took every fiber of my being just to call this place. After two phone calls & waiting for the second to maybe call back...I was spent.

I looked at my list of numbers, and I knew I physically & mentally didn't have it in me to call any of them. My despair became even greater...

My hubby just kind of stood idly by. Not because he didn't care, but he was shocked by the despair & the lack of help this place was willing to give me. He reminded me of a counselor who comes highly recommended, and someone I have met before. He gave me the number (of course), but I wanted to be able to just quietly research each of these names I was given...

I couldn't get any reviews of names I was given, and the list on my insurance was too great to try to get through or to make heads or tails of to even know where to begin.

So I looked up the counselor, and this one didn't take my insurance, but had a list of questions I SHOULD CALL MY INSURANCE ABOUT BEFORE MAKING AN APPOINTMENT!!

At this point, when someone is so low in despair & pain, one should NEVER have to deal with this kind of runaround. Ever. Because, if I'd had the means necessary, that would have been my problem solver rather than having to make even one more phone call...even to the crisis line.

**********

Here's something I need you to understand about me:
I thought I had my depression under control enough that I could shake it when needed. I knew what to do & mostly how to deal with it. I was NOT prepared for a new symptom to kick in. I didn't know how to deal with it. At all.

I haven't seen a doctor about any of this for a VERY long time! Why? I had this in the bag! Was I cured? Nope. Just figured I had a good enough handle on it.

I was wrong.

As I advocate for people to go see someone when they need to, and I am such an advocate for mental health & suicide prevention, nothing truly prepared me for this shake up.

This is where I'd been oblivious & selfish. I thought I had a grip on all of this. Not in a pompous way, just really thought I didn't need to see someone at this point. I didn't need medication & I could get a handled on my down times.

So now I need someone. And someone who needs help so badly can't get the help they need in that moment...

Imagine someone who's never been through this before:
They get to a point of needing to call someone, and they get just enough energy to do so. But it turns out they have insurance & make too much money to get to the one place they were told to call. They have no idea they shouldn't have a means to take their life, but they can't deal with calling another number, even the crisis line they are told to keep handy, along with 3-5 other phone numbers. There's not energy to call anyone else; there's no energy to call yet another number...so they do all they can think to do to get rid of the pain since no one is taking time to help them get better...

We are in amazing times right now, people! Right now, mental health awareness is at an all time high! The stigma is lowered, but not gone. So, we are in a time when healthcare is supposed to be great for all of us & taking care of all of us, especially with mental health...
...but it's not. The system is continually failing those in need. When someone is in desperate need of help, the last thing that should be happening is to be given the runaround & told they need to go elsewhere with a list of numbers they cannot make sense of, or energy to call.

We wonder why we lost yet another wonderful soul to the devastating abyss of the fatal outcome of suicide because no one was willing to help them in the mental illness state of their health.

This is deplorable.

People can't get meds when they need them, people can't get in to see someone when they are in desperate need of someone professional to get them back on track. So, when they can't get the help they need WHILE in their time of need...we are about to lose someone else.
If a place is supposed to be there to help, is willing to listen why they need help, but won't help them, it's like a diving instructor helping someone dive off the diving board into an empty pool.

Those of us who do suffer with a mental illness are still expected to live our lives.

These illnesses do not discriminate. They don't care your gender, your color, your height, your financial situation, your living situation, who you love, your relationship status, your age, your religion or beliefs, your nationality (background)...and it certainly doesn't care what you've got going on or what your plans are. It will strike when it wants to.

I have a summons for jury duty. And, right now, I cannot get a medical release for my state of being. I have to try to help the system when the system is failing me greatly.

I am trying to be an advocate for those in my place, right now, as I am battling to stay afloat - even while trying to make plans for greater advocacy.

**********

Now then, as part of our overall health, we should have a counselor (at the very least) to be able to see when things aren't going so well. Do this while you are not at a low point. Give yourself time to get to see someone. Because they won't help you get started when you're at your lowest.

This is a sad truth right now. You want despair? There it is!

As for me, I'm on a slow upswing...
I'm not back to where I need to be, but wow! I have sure learned a lot about my dark side, as well as the dark side of the system - you know, the ones who are supposed to be stepping up to help those in despair.

But I'm working on myself right now. I will get to those phone calls when I have the energy to talk to someone about them. Someone new, anyway.

So let's all get behind each other, know how to handle each other in an actual mentally ill state, and let's get set up with someone professional so that you can have better access when you are in those horribly low times. Because I never want anyone to be passed around while they just need the help of one person.

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica

AM~Erica is 1 of 25

So anyway...

I'm just going to come right out & say it:
I'm 1 of 25.

For all my fellow Trekkies (or Trekkers - whichever you identify with) out there, I realize that sounds very Borg-like. But I'm not talking about Seven of Nine, but a statistic.

Ugh! I hate being a statistic! But I am like many other women who fight migraines AND depression. But that's not what I'm talking about either...except the depression part does lead to this particular statistic.

Did you know that suicide is the 10th leading cause of death?
Now think about this:
Did you know that for every suicide, there are 25 attempts?

That's right. There are 25 people who attempt suicide for every single one who completes their own. We should be heartbroken enough to grieve for the one we lost, but we should be gravely concerned for the ones that are trying to escape pain; the ones that see no other viable option.

People - that's me. I am 1 of 25.

In just a few days, I will have the opportunity to walk with hundreds of others for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) in Kansas City.  We walk for raising the awareness of suicide; we walk to raise funds to lead to the dwindling, and, hopefully, the prevention of suicide.

Many of these people who walk have lost someone close to them due to suicide. This Out of the Darkness walk is heartbreaking-yet-healing in its own experience. There are so many, in just our area, who have been affected in some way by suicide.

Then, there's those like me. The ones who are part of the 25. The ones with lived experience; the ones who failed their attempt. I failed my attempt. I'm still here. They are still here. We don't know why...but here we are.

Now, I don't ever want anyone to ever be in that position! Ever! But I do still struggle. Many of us who have failed our attempts have tried more than once &/or fight the thoughts to do so again.

~~~~~~~~~~

When someone shows up to one of the Out of the Darkness walks, pretty much everyone is wearing beads around their necks. Though it seems like something out of a Mardi Gras celebration, it isn't. It's much deeper than that.
These are honor beads. Each color represents a category of why they are walking.

When I showed up for the first time, last year, it slowly begin to hit me when I saw these colors (some had more than one) draped around their necks:
When someone is wearing a red one; when someone is wearing a couple of white ones; when someone is wearing a white AND orange one; when someone is wearing a white AND silver one; when someone is wearing a couple of purples AND a red one...I think you get the picture.

Let me tell you why I walk.

First, I walk because I am 1 of the 25.  Remember? And you know what? I know several others of you reading this right now are part of the 25. I walk so we can break the stigma & speak freely without feeling as we are looked down upon because we struggle, or get backlash because of our pain.

Suicide seems to be such a taboo subject. The things people say to someone who lost a loved one, or who just openly say such callus things about suicide is shocking, and heartbreaking.

I know those who have lost a loved one to suicide. And the things they hear certainly don't help with healing! If no one is going to tell someone who lost a loved one to a heart attack or cancer that their loved one asked for it, then it shouldn't be said about someone lost to suicide.

This thing is bigger than me. It's bigger than you! People are suffering & get to a point, in a skewed reality, that the pain is too great to go on. We must fight for these people!!

With 108 suicides every day, there are 2,700 attempts in the same time frame.

There's so much we are trying to do. So many lives we are trying to save!

So, when I walk, I will wear the GREEN, TEAL, and BLUE honor beads.
I have lived experience & still struggle.
I know of others with lived experience &/or struggle.
I support the cause, because I want to see an end to suicide all together.

Now then, you can help, too.

I am, once again, walking with Team SOLOS. And I am raising funds. Every little bit helps.

Donating online is easy & safe. You can click on my picture, below, to take you to the fundraising page!

Even $5 will bring us closer to a world without suicide. And AFSP is the leader in funding research leading to finding the roots of the fatal suicide side effect of many illnesses.

Being a part of AFSP, we are looking to drop the suicide rate 20% by the year 2025. It is thru the funding for education & research that we can do this, and your support.

Chances are you have been affected by suicide in your life: maybe you lost someone, maybe someone close to you attempted to take their own life &/or struggles, maybe, just maybe, you are 1 of 25.

Maybe you would care enough to join us this weekend. We will be at Berkley Riverfront Park. We will be walking, volunteering, supporting, grieving, hugging...and just be there for each other as we continue to raise awareness of suicide.

You can still register online thru Friday, October 2nd, until NOON (CST) at http://afsp.donordrive.com. When you come, which honor beads will you don?

Thank you for any help you are willing give.

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica (1 of 25)

World Suicide Prevention Day & AM~Erica Still Struggles

So anyway...

Only if you are very new to at least a glimpse of my world, or you choose to not to pay attention, would you NOT know about my advocacy, maybe.

Today is September 10th, which is World Suicide Prevention Day. Today we continue raise awareness about the epidemic of those who take their lives due to the fatal symptom of suicide that can come with most mental illnesses. Plus with the amount of types of bullying that attempts to drag down another human being, it can lead to the feeling of self worthlessness, and can lead to the same outcome.

Today I make my yearly plea (because I usually post on this day, for sure, each year) to break the stigma around suicide. Let's talk about this.

Recently, I made sure to just talk about it (HERE). It's a part of my drive to make sure what has happened to/with me is known and very real. I'm also not the only one who deals with this. Even though it can feel very lonely.

I am usually ready to jump on National Suicide Prevention Week. Blogs, stats, quotes, sites, tips, etc...but I haven't done as well this week. As I was trying to keep stuff out there, I have been struggling this week. That empty sadness settled in, and I was having issues just functioning. And it does lead to not even wanting to talk about what you are struggling with...during a week we need to be talking about it!

With that said, I want to apologize for not being more forthright with info this week, but hope you understand at the same time.

I'll be OK. And here to tell you that you are not alone.

Do you remember last year when I did the Out of the Darkness memory walk with Team SOLOS? (reminder HERE) Well I'm doing it again. If you would look to help out & give to the cause, let's get funds raised so it can go to help go toward resources, research & awareness to lead to abolishing suicide! Wouldn't it be wonderful to see this in our lifetime? You can help me out by clicking the photo, below.

Click this photo for my AFSP Out of the Darkness
fundraising page & story.

In the meantime, please be sure to check out my collection of blogs about my own struggles, failed attempt, and other info, HERE.

And thank you for hanging with me. I am a bit out of sorts it seems today. But I wanted to try to continue to get any info I can out there about suicide as I do my best to keep the awareness up. I will try to do better in the future. Because I plan on there being a future.

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica

AM~Erica is Talking Suicide

So anyway...

If you've been around for a bit, you know I've stepped up in my advocacy & education for mental health & suicide awareness. I've blogged on it quite a bit (reminder HERE), but I just want to come out and talk about a few things. Just outright.

It's what we should be doing. Amm-i-rite? Having the open conversation to keep it real & honest? It's supposed help break the stigma surrounding it. Right...RIGHT?

Well, this is what we need to be doing.

Found this perfect gem on Grammerly.com's FACEBOOK PAGE.

I've said that I need to talk out my struggles so I don't act on them. It's what's worked for me lately. I'm not on medication now, and haven't been for a long time. That wasn't always the case. Trust me, when I was on my meds...I needed them!

Some people need to be on them all the time. Some don't. All of our journeys are different. We cannot forget that. What is working for one person doesn't mean it works for the next person. Just as we were all made differently, different treatments will affect us differently. I can tell you what worked for me, but that doesn't mean it will work for you.

Just like all the different mental illnesses & disorders out there. They are not the same! Many can have the same symptoms, but it's different for every person who has to live with any of it.

Much like those of us who suffer with suicidal thoughts. The thoughts I have, plus the means I would use in my skewed reality, might be very different than those someone else might think or try to use.

*TRIGGER WARNING* 

(means & methods of suicide to be discussed here)

~if need be, scroll to 'END TRIGGER WARNING'~

I was recently having a conversation with someone who had a run-in of sorts with a guy who was putting down those who have suicidal thoughts. He called anyone who brought up taking their own life a coward, then he said if he heard someone say that, he'd test their cowardice by handing them his gun to see if they'd do it. Then doubted they would, because, you know, they are cowards and all.

OMGoodness!!! Isn't that just horrible?

This is obviously someone who needed some education. I know the person I was talking to tried to explain to this guy that how it's not cowardice, but a cry for help. Also, this person asked the guy if he'd really be OK with someone taking their life by his accomplice of handing his gun to them...what if they used it?

I want to talk about this a bit more. About the means & methods.

When I attempted my suicide, I took a lot of pills. Not an overdose of one thing, but one or two of as many pills I could get my hands on in the house while swallowing them down with one can of Coke. I had enough pills to last me thru every sip or two of that can. And I do mean sips. There were no big drinks taken...just slowly consuming the pills & sipping enough liquid to get them down. I don't know what all I took, or even how many all together, but I do remember 1 or 2 Anacin being in there.

That was my means of choice in my skewed & blurred reality, and it all just needed to end.

I obviously survived it. So, I have lived experience. And, I know I'd never use that type of method again since it didn't work.

I also know what my next means would be in an upcoming attempt I would use. I don't want to! JUST. KNOW. THAT. But when I'm that low, I can feel it...

Here's the deal...
If you know someone who has suicidal thoughts, they probably already know how they want to end things. So if you know what they have talked about using as their means...please make sure they cannot get to it...or that it would be difficult for them to try to use it. Don't leave the opportunity open to see if they'd try it! If that's the case, and they use the means, they are successful in completing their suicide because you didn't think they would...that's on you. Harsh? Yep...because it's true.

Now then, remember that guy that would test the cowardice of someone talking suicide by handing them his gun? If he heard me say I was having suicidal thoughts, and if he handed me his gun...I'd use it.

My original means was to overdose. This was even before I knew I had a mental illness of any sort...I just wanted it to end. But I didn't want to hurt myself. (Remember? I was in a skewed reality...and a teenager.) If that guy heard me talk suicide at that time, and handed me his gun, I wouldn't use it. Why? It wasn't the means I wanted or the method going thru my head. So I guess he would have thought I was a coward. Even though he had no idea what pain I was feeling...the hurt I was dealing with every day of feeling like a worthless failure. I just wanted it to end. But not by someone walking up to me with a firearm & telling me to use it.

Nowadays, when I'm low, I do sense the cold feeling of the metal barrel. I used to feel it against my temple for quite some time, but it has very recently moved position, but the same means, nonetheless.

This is why I cannot have a firearm in my house! And it's why I have the feelings I do about guns & it's connection with anyone with mental illness. (read it HERE, if you dare)

But guess what. Just because that's what I'd use, someone else with the thoughts have a different means lined up. If you walked up with a gun to someone who is actually thinking about hanging themselves, overdosing, jumping off a high spot, cutting themselves, asphyxiation, or anything else...the gun won't suffice.

Don't get me wrong, there might be a few who might be willing to use any method "necessary", but for the most part, a method & means is already in their heads...and that's where the focus is.

By the way...that guy was part of a Christian motorcycle group. Think about that for a moment.

*END TRIGGER WARNING*

I know that was heavy! But I hope it makes sense. We are supposed to be talking about this, right?

Part of why I wanted to bring this up, too, is the fact that we all can look for signs of someone in crisis. If you turn your back, pretend you don't see it, or prefer to stay oblivious to it, it could be a matter of life & death. Literally.

Words are important, especially in promoting a cause or a charity. I try to step up to track down journalists & bloggers who are careless in their wording in articles or on the news. I won't do it publicly to shame them, but will send a private message to them, if possible, to let them know about how words matter. But if that option isn't available, a public comment may have to be the route...if even that's allowed.

Recently, I learned about some more change up in wording & terminology. I'll share them with you, then I'm going to give my take on it as someone with lived experience. So, here goes...

The term "Warning Signs" is now passé. We are supposed to use the term "Invitation."
So, if someone is showing signs, it's supposed to be an invitation for you to maybe take action in some way.

I have no issue with striking the alarmist word of "Warning," but I want to talk about "Signs" & "Invitation."

These are two very different things. They cannot really be lumped together.

If I am having a conversation with you about where my head is at or that I'm feeling low, that is the invitation. I don't do that with just anyone. It would be my hubby & maybe another person or two. But it's directed to anyone I'm discussing my darkness with, especially in the moment.

Now, just because I haven't invited you into my conversation, it certainly doesn't mean you can't spot signs of crisis. (reminder of the Five Signs HERE) <<=== *IMPORTANT LINK*

The invitation is talking about it. The signs are what you show.

When you go to the DMV (oh yes...I just brought that up), you are invited to check in to where you need to go. Then you head to your place, but you can see the signs of what is happening for others there at the DMV.

Invitation; Signs. Two different things. Yet both are extremely important!

When you're driving, that stop sign ahead is meant for you. *Invitation*
As you pull up, you can see the other stop signs or yield signs & you know what the others are supposed to do when they see them. *Signs*

Not necessarily the best examples, but just a thought process into the difference between the two. They cannot really be lumped together. But they can achieve the same thing in the end. In this case, it could be about life or death. Much like in the vehicles...if you ignore the invitation, or if the other signs are ignored, it could be very ugly!

Also, we are still having the issue of having the word "committed" paired with "suicide."
Let me be clear: this continues to add to the stigma. It sounds like a crime has been planned out. This is NOT the case! And we have to stop using it, as well as calling out others (even media) for using this terminology. The individual died by suicide, completed suicide (I'm not fond of this one, but it is used), or took their own life due to fatal complication of mental illness. The fatal breaking point is maybe the worst side effect/symptom of mental illness.

The thing I do is commit to live...not commit to die. Let's not forget that!

~~~~~~~~~~

Whew! There's a lot to unload here. But vital things in the realm of mental health/illness & suicide conversation & understanding.

The more you know, people. The more you know.

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica

AM~Erica is So Honored

So anyway...

I have big news to share! And I can finally share it publicly!

If you have followed my DEPRESSION & SUICIDE JOURNEY, then you know how passionate I am about stigma, education & advocacy with this cause.

I made the decision to open up about my own struggles to keep the discussion open. Someone has to break the stigma. So I knew I was called to do it.

As I have upped my advocacy in the last few months, I figured I needed to do more....I just didn't know what.

When I did the Out of the Darkness memory walk (reminder HERE), I was asked to step up even then. After that is when I knew I should step up in my advocacy & became a field advocate for the AFSP as I began contacting law makers to support & vote for bills that helped in the awareness & prevention of mental health issues & stopping suicide. And though I've stepped up in that, as well as my own personal advocacy, I felt like there was more. But I still didn't know what...

While I've been running (OK, the few times...I've backed off, but need to step it back up) and praying lately, I just kept asking for something to show where I needed to be or needed to go. I actually was even unsure if I needed to stay with the AFSP or focus on a different organization. Because I knew I needed to do more!

I've tried to be there for several who needed to talk thru some of their own struggles. I do continue to struggle off & on, myself. And I keep passing information & perspective along to anyone who is willing to listen.

As I mentioned, I pray. I have prayed a lot. I knew God was calling me to more. I was trying to listen & be still, even.
Do I go?
Do I stay?
Do I step it up?
Do I back off?
Do I try something else?

As I prayed, this Chris Tomlin song would become a part of my prayer:

Where ever it is, or whatever it is, I knew I needed to do something. But what?

~~~~~~~~~~

Earlier this month, I went with my hubby to his annual conference of clergy & laity in Missouri United Methodism. So I go for my clergy spouse events as well as to see several friends I only get to see about once a year. So, my hubby goes for business & I go to make the friends.

As we prepared to leave on Thursday (to get there the night before things started), we were rushing around to get last minute stuff done, last minute things from the store, last minute packing...a lot of last minute stuff. As the boys were off getting a few things & I was trying to take care of some home stuff, we checked the mail. I realized I had gotten a piece of mail hand addressed to me.

I looked at the envelope completely lost & trying to think quickly who has the last name of "Nelson" that would send me something from Kansas. The rolodex in my brain was turning rapidly.
"Think, Erica! Think!"
Then it hit me! It's from Barb! I love Barb!
So I figured it was about the upcoming walk this year. You know they have my information now. So I opened the letter to read about the walk information....
....but....
...it was different than that.

I'm not gonna lie...I wasn't grasping the letter at all. Since I was set on reading about the memory walk, but wasn't seeing wording about the memory walk, none of it was making sense & the words jumbled in my brain.

I needed to take a moment to regroup.

Then I realized there was a second page. That should let me know what to focus on! So I look...and...I'm seeing something about "job description"....
...and I read the letter again.

I was so emotional!! I was so overwhelmed!
This was nothing I had ever thought would happen!!

So as my hubby & I were preparing for a weekend filled with worship & wonderful Christian people, I was getting the answer I needed for my what I had been praying for, have a passion for, and direction for my calling.

This is where I'm going to skip over my tears of disbelief, of overwhelment, of emotion, and knowing my answer had been laid in front of me...as well as what lead to today.

As of today, it is official:

Yes. It became apparent that I needed to not just stay with the AFSP, but to step up in a bigger way.

I've heard it put that you know God has called you to it if appears to be out of your comfort zone.

I feel very out of my comfort zone. I'm still in shock, but I'm so humbled & honored that I was even considered for a position like this.

Is this the real life? Or is this just fantasy? (you're ear worm for the time being)
Am I really worthy of such a spot?
But I prayed hard for something I knew had to be bigger. I just didn't realize how big.

I'm serious when I tell you that if you do turn to God asking what more you can do, and if you are truly open to what could be in store for what you are being called to do, brace yourself. It could be bigger than you know. And know you can trust God to lean upon as you go forth in your greater calling.

Because if you're the one called to do it, YOU need to step up, no matter how scary it seems. And this Josh Wilson song comes to mind:

Can I be honest with you? Good...I'm sure that's what you'd prefer from me anyway....
I'm terrified. Beautifully & wonderfully excited....and terrified.
But, I know this is what I'm supposed to be doing. And I am still having issues grasping that others have so much faith in me.

But with that said, I am looking forward to getting to work! So much to be done in the area of suicide awareness & prevention. And, as scared as I am, I'm stoked to be able to step up with whatever I have to offer to work toward the eventual prevention of suicide all together.

And thank you to every one of you who have shown & shared your support. You all have been amazing!!

So, with that said....this newly appointed Board Member is ready to go to work!

Let's do this!!

*goes back to being emotional*

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica

AM~Erica Wants to Describe the Pain

So anyway...

If you have kept up with me the last couple of years, or a little longer, you will know I speak up about my mental health, as well as advocate for treatments, preventions, and hopefully cures.  (reminders HERE) And, even though I am better most of the time, I still have my moments. Sometimes the moments are triggered, sometimes they seem to come out of no where...

Full disclosure at this moment: I'm having one of my days. Not one of my deep dark ones, but I feel my insides feel like I'm dangling my feet over the deep, dark abyss. Trying very hard to stay on top of it. I promise. I recognize it. I want you to know that it's a good thing.

It's a day a feel bad about myself. Like I've done something really wrong. I haven't...but there's the days, the moments, you suddenly feel like the worst person on Earth. It could be stress, not sure. But I know it's there...creeping. It's uncomfortable while making it's presence known. And it's very real.

I want to make that very clear. These feelings are real & exist. And I hate it!

So, I'm putting it out there, today, for a couple of reasons:

1. I have found when I find ways to talk about it, I can keep this thing at bay. So, I'm "talking" about it.

2. This is a good opportunity to explain this invisible illness in yet another way.

Not only do I suffer from depression, but I also get migraines. Ugh. Like a lot of women, as a matter of fact. It bums me out that I'm such a statistic. But I gotta deal with it as these things come.

With my migraines, I try to catch them as early as I can. Because if one of my headaches get rolling & I don't have the chance to try to put on the brakes...the atrocious pain levels become excruciating! Every sound hurts. Every light hurts. Every thought hurts.
Sleep certainly helps in the long run. And I have to hope my nausea doesn't come to fruition...because I will be camped out on the bathroom floor with a rice pack &/or a bag of frozen veggies for my head &/or neck as I try to get comfortable enough.
You can see it in my eyes when one hits. And, when they are bad enough, the thoughts get dark...

...I want help. But not the appropriate help. I get the "suicidal migraines." These are headaches that hurt so much, and you feel you cannot bear it any longer...
For me, I will have the thought, "If I only had a gun to forcefully put a hole in my head, I might be able to relieve the pressure."
Oh man...just putting that out there is breaking my heart. But that's how great the pain can be with my migraines! And? No one doubts when I have one.

No one tells me to think more positively to get rid of it. No one tells me it's a sin that I'm suffering with a migraine.

Here's my point: I liken my migraine pain to my depression pain & beyond.

Even though my suicidal migraine thoughts are actually separate & different than my typical (I promise I'm using the word "typical" loosely), they run quite parallel.

When I have a migraine, no one questions. People want to help. People want it to go away & want to go out of their way to help with what they can. People will leave me alone when they know I need to be alone. But when the pain is so great, and I cannot think clearly any longer, any thought that already hurts can actually become harmful in thought. But I'm so wiped, I would not & could not act upon it.

When I am having a down & empty day, a day when I'm feeling sad & worthless, no one should question. The pain can become so great, I cannot think clearly any longer...and there are the times when I think there is no other way out of the abyss than thoughts of great harm...I want to relieve the pressure. Since the pain is in a different place, it could be very easy for me to act upon it.

My thoughts in my depressive & suicidal states become different. I know how I would want to relieve the pressure. But it's those factors that cannot be around within my grasp. In my lack of logic, and in a state of an off reality (because that off reality is still my reality in that moment), I want to relieve the pressure of a pain that is so great. But...sometimes I can sleep it off. Note: SOMEtimes...

I want to make it clear that not all of my episodes of either state are like this...but...they have been known to get there. Also...I am never "committed" to that! EVER! I DO NOT CHOOSE that kind of state to be in. So the fact I want out of it should say a whole lot.

This goes for anyone else who has been, or is, in that position. They are so ill, they are in a lot of pain. They want out of it. They cannot seem to find another way out. Tomorrow doesn't feel like it will help. And that's where the promise of tomorrow from supportive people come into play.

When someone is feeling so ill, how do you treat them?
If someone comes to you saying they have cancer, do you doubt them? Do you doubt their pain? Do you think it's something they choose? Or do you want to help them anyway you possibly can knowing they want it out of their body?

This week, the Senate actually got along. There was a vote for a bill, called the Clay Hunt Veterans Suicide Act, that went up for vote. It passed, overwhelmingly, 99-0. There was one vote absent, but they were a co-sponsor of the bill. You realize this was a unanimous vote...from ALL sides...right? This means so much...but it also means every person in that room understood the magnitude of this. They were affected in someway (i.e. whether losing someone they love, they know someone who suffers, they may suffer themselves). And it begins with the ones who sacrifice so much of themselves for our own freedoms...many of them suffer. The ones we owe so much to, for our freedoms being defended so fiercely, are finally getting the help they may need recognized.

(Read about it HERE)

It's a huge & important step toward the fight for suicide prevention...and mental illness. And I'm so proud of the Senate for allowing it to start there.

The Clay Hunt Veterans Suicide Act is now on it's way to the White House. And it's exciting! And moving. We have to start somewhere...so why not with our veterans? At least! But I think it should grow from here. And we are on the way to diminishing this ugly thing of mental illness using suicide to take lives.

It is still a touchy subject for many. I have had several come to me, in absolute confidence, about their situation: whether for themselves or about a loved one. I will never breach that trust. It's hard to talk about. But it shouldn't be.

I'm not ashamed when I have a migraine. Why should I be ashamed when I am having an episode of depression...and maybe even thoughts of life escape? It means I'm ill.

Are you ashamed when you have a cold? Allergies? Sinus flair up? The flu? Announcing we have strep throat? When your child has chicken pox?
We put it all out there on social media & in our circles...so why can't we talk about the mental illness with the same amount of ease?

So I'm trying. Today I'm feeling under the weather. I'm down. I have an illness kicking up. And I'm talking about it. Because I know it's one of the remedies that works...for me.

And I will be OK.

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica

TV Episode Shakes AM~Erica's Core

So anyway...

I haven't watched a lot of TV for a long time. Schedules are crazy & makes it difficult to keep up with particular shows. Thru the day, I get to skim some of my long time faves like Rachael Ray, Live with Kelly & Michael (still trying to figure out how Kelly & I aren't friends yet), The Queen Latifah Show, The Steve Harvey Show, The Ellen DeGeneres Show...
...but it's difficult to sit down & watch them. As a stay/sometimes-at-home-mama, my attention is still flagged down from family. That's how it is.

But it's even more difficult when it comes to evening shows. We get to catch bits & pieces of shows, but not a whole lot. That schedule thing still makes it difficult. However, we will DVR The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon...because...well...happiness! That's what he brings.
There's also a couple of shows the family can kind of geek out on together. We keep up with Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. That show is SO good right now!! It totally helps it's steeped hardcore in the Marvel Universe...and we love Coulson, of course.
We also keep up on the show Sleepy Hollow. Do you? It's a brilliant show!! Between supernatural entities, folklore, and interesting twists on history...this show is smart and intense!

If you aren't fully aware, Ichabod Crane & Abigail Mills are working together as the biblical witnesses to stand up to the end of days. And, yes...the Headless Horseman is still around.

I'm not going to go into too much of the series here, but I want to touch on this week's episode. If you haven't watched it yet, I don't think I'll be giving away anything, but I want to touch this episode's subject matter...

Abby (Abigail Mills) & her sister, Jenny, had a tough childhood. Their mother was put into the local asylum & eventually took her own life. It's brought up several times throughout the series. And they came face-to-face with her situation.
The previews showed they were going to deal with their mother, but I wasn't prepared for what it really covered. At all.
There's a rise in the number of suicides that happen within the walls of the of the institution. And with so much supernatural weirdness going down in Sleepy Hollow, it ends up in Abby's care to look into.

If you remember MY OWN STRUGGLES, I was absolutely not prepared to deal with patients going thru the process of the suicides & attempts. One of the ways shown has been a fleeting thought of a back up plan of my own.
It was so hard to witness! All of this with some heart-breaking & touching mommy moments...I was so emotionally & physically drained from the whole thing. It really took it's toll on me.

However, after thinking about how much the episode shook me to the core so much...I realized something. Tom Mison, who beautifully plays Ichabod Crane, is an essential part of the show. It hit me that he was hardly in the episode. Ichabod comes down ill & is resting off the sickness while Abby, her sister, and a new-found ally take care of most of the episode. Ichabod is nowhere to be found while the suicides are happening & being investigated on site. It's when the situation is resolved that he shows back up feeling much better.

This struck me.

Since Ichabod is part of the duo who is supposed to be taking down the evil of the world in Sleepy Hollow, and then he can't be there for this one...makes me wonder if Tom Mison has had to closely deal with suicide somewhere in his life. Maybe lost someone to suicide...maybe he's attempted. Either way, his character was no where near the situation.

It makes me want to talk to Tom. I want to find out his personal ties to this situation. Because you don't pull a main character out of the story line unless you physically & emotionally cannot act thru the deep scars of something like this...especially if your character doesn't. I know a great actor should be able to...but this one runs deep & his character would supposed to be semi-disconnected to the act itself. If he cannot separate from it easily...something may have happened quite recently. At least recently for him. Maybe it had to be written in that he was ill & had to sleep it off while all of this was going on.

With that said, my friend, Jenn (who I HAVE MENTIONED BEFORE) has brought up the issue of anyone who is closely tied to losing someone to suicide or anyone who still struggles after a failed attempt has a difficult time when a suicide appears on the small or big screen. She brought up the idea that maybe a warning be shown at the beginning, beyond just the typical "viewer discretion advised," but to add a warning that the act of suicide will somehow be covered.

Even though it's discussed in "What Dreams May Come," the act is never shown. That's why I appreciate how the movie handles it. I don't think I ever really encountered seeing the act on screen. Well, I take that back...GLEE actually highlighted an attempt. I didn't handle it well at all. Another one I've come across was before my own attempt. But I'm only just now realizing that.

What I experienced watching the "Mama?" episode of Sleepy Hollow was more than I could bear. There was so much of it. And to have the processes put out there...was...too much.

I also hope that Tom Mison could be one to step up for this kind of change in the entertainment business, if he, indeed, has had close connections to suicide.

I've slept & feel better today. Last night was draining. Crushing. Even though I've been doing so well, that kind of trigger can take everything out of you in a finger snap's time.

How would you feel about that kind of addition to the warnings at the beginning of shows or movies? Would it help you to brace yourself knowing it was coming, or would it deter you from watching at all?

I think if the warning was there, I could brace for it, at least. It may depend on the form of suicide, too. But I realize that part of the information couldn't be given in the warning if it comes to be.

Now then...if you know someone who has been close to suicide in any way, and if you are watching anything with them, please be sensitive to their freak out if something like this surprises them on screen. It's hard. No matter how long it's been. We all still need the support.

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica

AM~Erica Walked Out of the Darkness

So anyway...

Yesterday was draining!
Physically & emotionally...well...draining.

These past few months, I've been asking for support & donations for the AFSP of Greater Kansas (City)'s Out of the Darkness walk.

It's a walk that is a memory walk for the loved ones who lost someone to suicide, as well as those who have &/or still suffer. Teams & individuals raise funds for the awareness that will hopefully lead to the dwindling & eventually the prevention of suicide all together. As these walks grow, it's proof there's work to be done.

A few things happened yesterday that were really powerful. Let me try to pull myself together so I can tell you about it. If I get emotional (which I probably will), just hand me a tissue. I just want the word out...

The 3-mile walk took place at the Richard L. Berkley Riverfront Park. What a beautiful setting! And I heard it would be an emotional, supportive & healing day. Though those words do describe it, it's hard to just tell you about how true these adjectives really were.

I was so excited to see my friend, Jenn. I hadn't seen her in probably 20 years! We reconnected in a big way on Facebook...but not quite the same. If you remember, she's the one that started SOLOS ~ Survivors Of Loved Ones to Suicide. And I knew it was her in the distance! I ran up to her!! Our reconnection was so emotional! I was so happy to see her...just not under these circumstances. But as we talked, we knew God had put us in each other's paths for a reason. And here we were.

Just me & my girl, Jenn.
Love this girl & the reason I decided to tell my story.
She took this selfie of us.

Then I made connections with some pretty wonderful people in the meantime: Caroline Allen & Barb Nelson. These women are powerhouses for this Out of the Darkness walk...and their stories are heartbreaking. Loss of a spouse; loss of children. Mental illness that leads to suicide is a monstrous beast! I am so blessed to have met these women...but again...not under these circumstances.

I was running into people who were commenting on my tutu (of course). And we began to share stories, and we would erupt into fountains of tears, followed by much hugging. So beautifully overwhelming...

I had almost forgotten to check in as I was taking in what was going on around me, so I made sure to do that. As I checked in, the guy marked off my name & exclaimed, "Well, you raised a dollar or two!" He then turned around to get me a tshirt. See, if you raised at least $150, you get a tshirt! Because of some very gracious friends & family, I had raised $1,150 for AFSP! Thank you to those of you who helped with the cause!

Then I went over to get my beads. No, they aren't treated like getting them at Mardi Gras. Instead, there are 8 colors, and you get beads for how you are affected in this cause. I got green & blue beads. Green means I personally suffer, and blue is because I support the cause. I actually got 2 blue beads because I was asked to be a part of the opening ceremonies. I was floored & overwhelmed to even be considered! I was asked to represent those who support the cause...

A wonderfully sweet gal, named Katie Rohr, put the bead ceremony together. There were 8 of us on a tiny stage standing on either side of a decorated metal heart with colored daisies on it, one for each color represented. I was hearing stories of those who lost a partner/spouse, those who lost a sibling, those who lost a parent, those who lost family or close friend, those who lost someone in the military, someone else who suffered personally, and then...there was me. I was already crying listening to the heartbreak of these people standing there with me...in front of about 800 other people. As my name was announced, my story was being read as I placed one of my blue beads onto the decorated heart. Though I was so honored to be a part of it...I felt so insignificant...I knew that I could have been one of those colors of beads around someone else's neck. That's hard to bear. But I stood there on stage in my Team SOLOS shirt & tutu (of course I was wearing a tutu), bundled up in layers (cuz it was COLD), weeping. I couldn't even look at the crowd. It was a tough & beautiful moment.

There's me standing on stage trying not to knock my new friend, Shaun,
off the stage. He is on the AFSP of Greater KS board & a fellow attempt survivor.
He's pretty awesome.

That's my friend, Jenn, talking! And me on stage, plus me walking.
My high school friend, Amanda, got these pics!

A pic from Barbi (who was a fellow walker that I went to high school with)
Just me walking with Amanda & her son with his friend

Then we cleared the stage to make way for a couple of speakers...one of them was Jenn. She was beautifully eloquent about losing her mother, what it meant to her, and how she's helping others others with their grief thru SOLOS. And she is what inspired me to step forward with my story so maybe I could help others who are not only in my position, but also to try to help others who do not struggle learn to have conversation & to help break the stigma. So I owe a lot to Jenn.

We also heard from Susie, the Chiefs' Cheerleader who rides Warpaint!

As the opening ceremonies were winding down, the teams began to gather & the walk began. For those that could, there were 3 loops around, a little over a mile each. I got to talk to some from high school that I probably hadn't talked to since...well...high school. I also got to meet a few on the team I didn't know at all, also. And still more stories were coming as to why those of us were walking that day.

And I was glad my girl, Monica, came to join us this year, too!

When the walk was finishing up, the walkers were gathered back together for some closing ceremonies. There were about 4 participants who were honored for raising $1,000 or more for the cause. Remember how much you all helped me raise? Yep! I was called up to the stage! And I got a certificate, a ribbon, an AFSP pin & an AFSP Out of the Darkness bracelet. Oh...and a hug from Barb Nelson.

Me on stage with Barb Nelson

It then went on to the reading of names of loved ones lost to suicide. My friend, Jenn was asked to do this along with my new friend, Caroline. Wow! That was heartbreaking! And moving...
It was followed my a moment of silence for all of these who we lost...
Then there was a balloon release with names & messages of & for those lost to suicide.

A pic of the balloon release from Barbi.
Isn't it beautiful?

It was pointed out that the tears shed this day were not of sadness, but of healing.
Pardon me...I'm getting verklempt...

*ahem*

As things were winding down, and raffles were being handed out, I knew I needed to head out. It had been a long & emotional day. And I met some wonderful people, and got to reconnect with others. It was beautiful.

As I come away from this event, I know this is where a passion of mine is. It was certainly cemented at the walk.

I have also taken first steps into my field advocacy for AFSP. The ball is rolling & I'm looking forward to getting the word out, to stop the stigma, to open conversation, and to make sure those who need treatment get the treatment they need.

I know there are many out there who are grieving those they have lost to suicide. And with the stigma still so high, it can be so hard to grasp. But please know, these people who suffer do not choose suicide, they don't want to suffer anymore &/or be a burden to others. Please understand their reality becomes different during an episode they go thru. I want to be clear on this.

But, there's those of us who are still here. We don't know why, but we are. And we realize there's family hurting because of it. It's that high stigma & expectation thing, I guess. But to the families who still deal with the grieving that almost happened...let your family member know you are glad they are still here. Don't hold the resentment. Somehow there's another chance. More life has been given. And it's OK to talk about it. We NEED to talk about it! I know the more I talk about my struggles, the less likely something will happen. Because I still suffer from time-to-time. I don't choose it. None of us do.

And for those who are in my shoes, and I know you (or a loved one) is still here after a failed attempt, I walked for you. I honored each & every one of you that I knew of.

So, I walked in a way that would honor you (them) by wearing the initials of those of us who are failures...and are still here to talk about it.
I will never give a story out. Several have come to me with their own struggles or a struggle within their family/friend circle. I also know it's tough for many still. So if you come to me, I will never give out those stories. They are not for me to tell. But I will keep you in thought & prayer. And with initials on a bracelet during the walk.

I have something special I will be doing with these bracelets. And if I had your initials, I will be contacting you soon. I walked for you & the fact that we are still here. A walk of healing among grieving folks who actually lost someone. We are here to tell our stories in our own time. Heck, it took me over 20 years.

And now there's work to be done. Stories to share, conversations to be had, stigma to drop. We can do this. We ALL can help!!

Be watching...I may be helping with these walks next year...I have an in!

As always, thank you all for your support!

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica

AM~Erica Sees Heightened Awareness

So anyway...

I am one who gets shocked &/or saddened by any celebrity death. Then I ponder their life, career, family, fans...and it gets really sad. But then August 11th was different. Very different.

Not only America, but the whole world, lost one of the greatest legendary talents & biggest entertainment icons in all of forever...

"You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it." 

                                                                                      ~ Robin Williams

We lost the spark of Robin Williams' greatness. Gone. Just like that.

Gone.

Though I get shocked &/or saddened by celebrity deaths...this one was different. 

This man who I remember so well in my young life & on my family's television screen would wear long red pajamas with a big silver triangle on the chest or rainbow suspenders while uttering alien phrases like:
"Shazbot" & "Na-nu Na-nu".

Then I remember a great movie that brought a cartoon to life. I still love watching the corny cheesiness of "Popeye", along with it's catchy tunes.

I remember knowing about "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD MORNING, VIETNAM!!" I didn't get to watch it until years later.

Then, my view of Robin changed in a deeply changing movie for me. A story so brilliant, it was in a rigid ruled-school where the same gender dressed alike & were expected to be cookie cutters to enter the world...when an English teacher broke that mold. Ripping up a rule book & letting them know about a bigger world out there...and letting them know they are individuals. Oh...and using their smarts at the same time. The story has a tragic turn...and a situation happens that mirrored Robin's actual end 25 years later. And the tribute of acknowledgment still remains. "Oh Captain! My Captain!" It remains one of my all time favorite movies.

From a spin on Peter Pan to being Aladdin's Genie, to playing a cross-dressing nanny to see his kids to getting lost in a magical game, from heights of goofy or even dark comedy to hardcore dramatic roles, and to amazing standup & living in total improv...he made people cry. Whether it was with laughter, or with sadness...his gifts knew no bounds. At least to our knowledge...

In fact, he had been battling demons of depression & addiction for years. One of the most kindest, gentlest human beings who could light up a room or screen just by showing up was the same one who hurt so much. And, he was such an amazing actor that he could use his gift of humor and a well-chisled mask to cover the pain to the naked eye.

I had not heard any of the derogatory remarks about this, personally, until I came across something this morning. I came across a doubting remark from someone, who obviously does not suffer or is not aware of those who do, as to why the passing of this celebrity is so monumental. 

And I am going to keep this death out there since I am a passionate advocate of the very thing that killed him: Mental Illness.

No, many of us didn't know him personally...but...he made his way into our lives in amazing ways. It should also make all of us realize this nasty disease really can happen to anyone. And if it can take someone like Robin...then imagine what it may be doing to the person next to you while you may have no idea. His death should be making us talk about why the stigma still lingers. It makes mental illness even more real.

As a reminder as to why I advocate for this SO much is because I do suffer. (the reminder of my coming forward HERE) I have also attempted to take my own life because I was hurting SO badly on the inside. (reminder of that coming forward HERE) But when I attempted, and obviously failed, I had no idea I was dealing with this madness. It took years before it was brought to light in the midst of another very low time. It all began to make sense. Because I didn't know I needed help at that time.

You know what? I know of those close to me who refuse to acknowledge what I just told you, above. When I begin to advocate & make this awful illness known from my own experience, I know the ones who blow me off. I have also heard, from those close to me, that those with depression just have issues & they need to get over it. Ugh! If only it were that easy. It's not. 

Along the same lines, I am really hurt by those who talk about suicide being some selfish decision & that it shouldn't be lifted up in awareness. It's actually disgusting to know that people who have no idea what those of us who do deal with it actually go thru. At least try to understand & to listen. 

I am so thankful for my husband. Though he's never really been in my shoes, he sees what it can do. He can see it's not some decision I've made to cower in a corner & just be a shell of me. He tries to help me talk it thru, or knows to leave me alone for a little while, but is always checking. I appreciate him so much for that...and just another reason why I love him so much.

A former pastor of mine, mentor to my husband, and still very good friend, Geoff, also suffers. He wrote an amazing blog post when the world found out about the death of Robin Williams. I would like for you to take a moment & read it HERE. And, interestingly enough...I have noticed that some who blow off my story (like it never happened) have rushed to Geoff's blog postings (by him or others) & and 'liked' it on Facebook. I'm hoping it's like when your own kids don't listen to you, but if someone else says it, then it sinks in. Maybe it will start to sink in.

Also, for any doubters & those who spew any level of vile lies about suicide...I challenge you to actually look at the resources that have been so readily available since Robin's death, and actually for quite some time before that. Read it. All of it. And if you refuse to read it, then please do not give a misguided opinion on what you, the unaffected,  believe mental illness, suicide, and their connection is about. Because...you are usually in the presence of at least one person everyday, unless you live under a rock or a complete hermit, that is suffering or has suffered from mental illness. 

The autopsy results came out for Robin. They are gruesome...and it shows how much despair he must've truly been in. A pain so great that he was doing anything to longer be a burden to others in his life. Which is not true...but he was not in a reality mindset. He must've been in such darkness that the only way out was to leave life. There was so much good happening for him that he could not see by the clouded view of mental illness.

Why should we be talking about this celebrity who did something so awful when so many other people have done the same thing & we aren't talking about them? This is not just some other celebrity death. Life is precious. But we don't all know each other. However, we are all familiar with Robin Williams. It's the familiarity of the name & the person that has all of us realizing what we have lost in this person, collectively. Should we be lifting up these other folks? Absolutely!

My friend, Jenn, has an amazing support system she has created. I want each of you to go check out SOLOS - Survivors Of Loved Ones to Suicide (HERE). She created it after losing her mom to suicide. And I want you to read the stories shared thru SOLOS. This is one way to bring this nasty disease to the forefront, as well as having names of loved people attached to it. 

Because I'm a failure, I am so honored to be walking Out of the Darkness on October 4th. This is raising funds & awareness for those who have been lost to suicide, those who continue to fight suicide (like myself), and the mental illness(es) that can lead to these. Here's where you can help in this. Be a philanthropist & give to this cause. Here's a couple of ways:

You can fund my fundraising effort HERE. I have raised my goal again since that last post. So anything to help would be amazing! Or you can also click on the graph at the top right of this blog page.
You can also join us on Team SOLOS HERE, and you can join in the cause & raise funds, too.

click above photo for fundraising page & story

For the next 9 days, ONLY (as of today), you can support my friend, Jenn (our team captain), by showing your support & getting your own t-shirt HERE. This is the shirt most of us will be wearing for the walk.

click above picture to purchase a SOLOS shirt

Your help would be greatly appreciated!

Do you know what else would make me & many others grateful? Educate yourselves. Keep educating yourselves. I do...often. Just reading an article or two is not enough. Another thing to do is to talk to someone who actually has suffered or who does suffer. Know that there is not going to be a lot of logic in what you hear. It's because the brain is sick & has difficultly deciphering why we are so down, alone...even when others are around. If you want us to find help, quit using us as a punchline or looking down on those of us who go thru it. 

On September 10th is World Suicide Awareness Day. Just to let you know, the high-profile Robin Williams will be used as an example then, too. Be ready.

So...for all of you who question why we are even talking about a 63yo celebrity, named Robin Williams, who died due to mental illness & suicide...this is why. For those of you who are annoyed by those of us who have banded together in great grief over this particular passing, be wary as to what words you spew. We should mourn any suicide that happens. Because it could be any of us at any time. I'm envious of those of you who don't understand. It's a sad & broken place to be in.

If you go back & watch "What Dreams May Come," please pay attention to how suicide is covered. I grieved that part in the movie. I felt every moment of it...because I get it. 

Please do not turn your nose up or back upon this very real thing in anyone...celebrity or not. At times I still get that low. And if you don't understand that, then try to attempt to understand & get educated. Otherwise you are spewing hate against a very misunderstood illness.

And now, in our sadness, we should take some solace that Robin's soul may now rest.

And let us not allow Robin's spark to be completely lost &, instead, let's allow it burn brighter as we carry it on like a torch...

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica