AM~Erica Can't Believe It

So anyway...

A major rush of emotions have been rushing over me lately. I'm a mess!

Today, I'm wearing butterflies. I'm wearing butterflies for several reasons. But hang on a moment while I grab a tissue or two so I can pull myself together to tell you why...


**********

OK. *breathe in, breathe out*

Today, my daughter actually graduated high school. Seriously.

I know, right? How is that even possible! I'm not old enough to have any kiddo that age. That's exactly my thought!

Any-hoo...

So, yeah. That happened today. And it has been quite the journey to get here!

See, she hasn't exactly been the most "studious" kiddo since she hit the 3rd grade. We have had issues with teachers that were nightmares & sweet blessings of teachers who were saints the rest of the way thru. We pulled, we prodded, we left it alone, we nagged, we encouraged, we punished, we stayed in contact with the teachers...it was quite the struggle to get her thru. I'm sure there were teachers who cringed hearing from us...or even cringed having to contact us.

*sigh*

The amount of work WE did to get her to scrape by was exhausting. It caused us a lot of anxiety. Because she is SO smart!!! That's why so many of us attached to the journey had been very frustrated with her! But you know what? She did it...just enough to get by. Every. Single. Time.

She also had problems getting participation points in classes. The girl who can sing & perform like no one else's business could not, and would not, do presentations in classes & would hardly speak up in class...because she didn't want to draw attention to herself, especially if she was wrong. But I got thinking about it, and it actually saddens me...

When we lived in StL, she was in middle school. We were there for her whole middle school life. Moving can be difficult on kids. Especially on someone who was such a leader & felt they could rule the world! To get in a situation where you need to make new friends can be very difficult. And the forming of trust issues can arise.

Teen Girl was in a situation in middle school with "friends" that was so traumatic, hurtful, heartbreaking & devastating...whew...it breaks my heart every time I think about it. A verbally abusive bullying situation was so intense, my daughter never wanted to go back to school. A girl so dominating that other "friends" wouldn't speak up against her. A ring leader that others would just do what she said without question...even if they knew it was wrong. Until the new kid, my daughter, stood up to her over a stupid Halloween costume. And things escalated quickly. Horribly.

In that time, the bully ring leader had a birthday party where she, along with her over-bearing mother, had a bracelet making party. My daughter chose to make her bracelet for me (probably because she knew she was in serious trouble with me before we left). It had my favorite colors & a butterfly charm. She made it about 6-years-ago, and I still wear it.

When she made that bracelet, it was a dark time for her. Both with school & with friends. She just wanted to go back "home"...not wanting to accept the fact that StL had to be our home at that time. Middle school is hard enough on an individual...but no one should EVER have to endure what she did!

So she has had trust issues with friends, classes & people in general. She no longer steps up & makes herself known & has been a great part of her own self doubt. This is all on top of her not wanting to do all the work anyway...
Imagine our struggle...

We were shocked when we went to parent/teacher conferences. We would hear, "She is very quiet in class." We would find ourselves retorting with, "No, no, no. Our daughter is [Teen Girl]." And then we'd get the weird looks.

In her struggles to even wanting to do the work, as well as finding & hanging on to decent friends, the journey to today has really been a struggle. She's been fighting this cocoon for a very long time.

So, today, I felt it was appropriate to wear butterflies. Not only was my deceased grandmother into butterflies as much as I am (reminder HERE), but it was a beautiful significance to graduation.

Today, I wore butterflies...including that bracelet. Such a symbolic accessory to show that she has fought hard & risen above a lot.

The bracelet she made for me several years ago

She began to get noticed for her amazing talents. She had people fighting for her & with her to get her to walk that stage.

Today, I wear butterflies. To make sure my grandmother was ever-present, as well as to remind my daughter how far she has actually come!

Today, she became a butterfly...we watched her wings spread as she focuses, now, to fly off to her next adventure. She is still looking at a couple of colleges (Remember that whole being afraid of being turned down & trust issue stuff?). But getting accepted, having amazing friends, getting to go on big adventures, and she has turned the heads of talented peers that she really had no idea she could hold her own with...ones she really looks up to!

Her very last day of free public education...ever!

We are so proud that we, as a village, have gotten this girl to the end of this stretch of the journey. It's time to turn the corner to a whole new path.

And I have handled this whole "I have an adult graduate as a kid" thing SO well...*ahem*

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica

Why AM~Erica's Tummy Butterflies are Racing

So anyway...

I decided to embark on a new adventure just short of 5 weeks ago...(reminder HERE)

5 weeks ago, today, I read an article about racing tutu shaming & the fight back: that was merely toeing the door open.

5 weeks ago, tomorrow, I saw pics of long-time friends, posted on Facebook, who had done these races in our area...in tutus, some covered in colors, and receiving amazing medals: that was my motivation switch-flip...tutus, colors, medals.

5 weeks ago, come Sunday, I went for my first run EVER that I was actually willing to do: that was the beginning of my journey.

In this 5-week time frame, I have gotten so many tips & so much encouragement...it's a bit overwhelming. I heard about this C25k method to use to get moving. It's short for "Couch to 5k". A method that slowly gets a beginner (even a lazy one like me) ready for a 5k run. It is supposed to be a 10-week build up. But I have taken off & have already run 5k in training. More than once!

Well, tomorrow will be my first official 5k. I realize it's extra soon into my training, but this one was FREE to register for! So, I figure that I'm not out anything if I royally screw this one up. If I have to walk at all, or if I have to lay on the side of the road for a bit...it may not be pretty. I will finish. That is my goal for this 5k.

However...

I am taking a rest day today so that I have fresh legs for tomorrow morning. But...the butterflies in my stomach have been running a marathon in my belly. I'm not gonna lie. I'm kind of freaked out.

Yes, I realize I have run for pi & a little more. (reminder HERE) But this is different.
* I'm gonna be running in a very different location. It's not my immediate neighborhood.
* I'm gonna be needing to run a set distance. No ducking out early in a set course from the neighborhood. Can't take the shortcut home if I'm not feeling it.
* I'm gonna be surrounded by people. A whole lot of people. I will know some of these great people...but I'm not used to running with...people. *GULP*
* I'm gonna have a number, a chip, a tutu & semi-costume. Not necessary for the run...but a motivation for me.


There's so many factors that are freaking me & my belly butterflies OUT! But...I'm looking at this as a "test-run". (Yes. Semi-pun is intended.) No big deal...no big whoop. Amm-i-rite?

*GULP*

I'm excited though! And nervous. Very. In both variables.

But I'm getting myself as prepped as possible. I'm trying.

I'm not aiming to medal (I think only top finishers of each age category medal & very top finishers get a plaque...but don't hold me to that), but just to finish & say that I got my first one out of the way. But mostly to just...finish. That's what I need.

Around 4:15 this afternoon...I went & picked up my stuff.

...and I went to my car...and got all emotional. I didn't even open it until I got home! Just the thought that the official bib & chip were in my possession was just completely overwhelming.

Now, as I try to calm a bit, I'm pulling together everything I need:

Shoes?      CHECK

Socks?      CHECK

Bib Number?     CHECK

Time Chip?     CHECK

Sunglasses?      CHECK

Music Playlist?      CHECK

Running App?      CHECK

Outfit with Tutu?      CHECK

OK...ok...you might be wanting to know about what I'm gonna wear for this run. Amm-i-rite?

Well...stay with me...

One of my running friends posted a pic featuring Richard Simmons...yes...RICHARD SIMMONS in an orange tutu. Yes...Richard Simmons...in an orange tutu.

You. Are. Welcome. Good luck sleeping tonight...

So, I was nearly challenged to pull off the tutu (even the pearl necklace...but not sure I can run with that on). So, it was not that hard since I had planned on wearing orange & camo for this race anyway!

Ummm...yes...I am wearing camo & orange for this 5k. Why? It's taking place at the Bass Pro. Camo & orange with a tutu is TOTALLY fitting! (I will have pics at a later time)

OK...time to focus. Shake the jitters & be ready for the adrenaline to get me thru.

Have I mentioned that I'm actually excited...and nervous? I can't tell which butterfly is winning right now...

This is actually happening, yo!
And...I'm gonna go get a little more emotional now...again...

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica

AM~Erica Gets Tidal Wave of Butterfly Moments

So anyway...

Thru this past weekend, even though I DIDN'T GET TO COMICON (actual reason given right HERE) as hoped, I did get flagged down with something else...well...someone else.

With some of the things that I've noticed, it hit me that it's been 6 months since MY FRIEND PASSED AWAY. I had shared a couple of the stories in the previous post about her...so it would be hard pressed for a couple of these other things to be popping up like this...

It began back in February. As I watched the Super Bowl & the commercials, imagine my surprise when this Budweiser commercial came on:

I know this one got to a lot of people. It's so sweet! But I just wept...this very song, even Stevie Nicks singing it, was played at Renee's funeral. So to have it turn up during the Super Bowl was such a shock! It was a bittersweet moment. It really was.

Football with Renee: Tailgating work party. 
My SIL was the Chiefs player...Renee & I did "The Perfect Cheer".

Lately, they've picked up the frequency of the commercial on TV...and I weep or get choked up every time. Seriously. Every. Single. Time.

When I got word that she passed away, I was talking with her sweet mom...and she asked me if there was any music that maybe should be played at the funeral. I was in such shock, I cannot even believe that the song "Landslide" by Stevie Nicks popped right into my head! I don't listen to that song very often. I don't have it on any playlists. It was divine intervention...I know it! Renee would always wear these flowy tops & she'd run over to me to sing & sway like Stevie Nicks...her arms out to the side like wings so we could marvel at the flow of the blouse.
And I have gone back to listen to the lyrics of that song often since then. They were actually very fitting for her. Looking for love and acceptance no matter what was happening. Things in the world would change...and she would put herself out there. She was loved...but not always accepted by some that she really wanted that acceptance from. And that song popped into my head to have her mom play. And I've heard it more since then. Go figure.

*~*~*

And then...when I go by the mall lately, I can hear her laugh. Some of you who knew her know what I'm talking about: her loud, girly, giggly laugh. I started thinking about at what point I would hear it...then it hit me...there's a store that sells these big, wild, blingy purses. If you are in my area & know the mall...it's the one right by the smelly stores (i.e. Bath & Body Works and Yankee Candle). I know she wants me to buy one. But I'm not. It's not my style...but I will love to hear her laughing when I walk by that store. Because I miss it.

*~*~*

Teen Girl's in a play coming up. And we were talking about it at the family get-together the other day. Somehow it came up about Stevie Nicks...since the theatre teacher idolizes Stevie Nicks. And it brought that song rushing right back...

*~*~*

And then...I was chatting with my very dear friend, Princess Jules, last night. We got talking about cakes...and she brought up something that floored me! She talked about her chocolate turd cake. She was worried I would be so grossed out by the sound of it...but...I was glad I was sitting down, or I might have hit the floor. You see...Renee was probably the only person to ever get me to eat something called a "turd". It was a Belgian chocolate truffle, and she had a crate of them at her desk. So...seeing more of the commercial with the song, hearing her giggle as I pass big & blingy purses, then...there was this. That's what put her absolute presence over-the-top...and she used a very trusted friend to convince me to eat a chocolate turd.

*~*~*

It causes me to reflect back on my short time on Earth with my friend. And cannot believe it's been 6 months since I last talked to her AND her passing. It's been 6 months, and there are still so many reminders. They really did build up a lot within a couple of days, too. I mentioned it on Facebook last night. Another dear friend said that she lost her mother about a year & a half ago...and still sees reminders all of the time. She called them "Butterfly Moments". I couldn't properly put out there how much that meant. Especially after my connection to butterflies anyway...and the BUTTERFLY CONNECTION TO MY GRANDMOTHER.

I took a moment & thought about this: I wore a butterfly maxi dress to Renee's funeral. And, over the weekend, and as I looked down at the moment, I was wearing this:

This is a stretchy ring I found at Kohl's, on clearance, that I thought would be perfect to wear for Easter...which I did. But I was drawn to wear it thru this past weekend, too. And I ended up having several "Butterfly Moments".

I am so moved by all of this. I am so overwhelmed by the rush of memories that have been coming at me in waves. The tide was certainly high this weekend.

Truly, I am thankful that such a beautiful spirit was in my life. Even for such a short time. I miss her. But love the memories that remain.

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica

A Year Later, AM~Erica Contemplates

So anyway...

I am taking a moment as I plan the upcoming weekend to reflect on a year ago. That's because a year ago yesterday, I lost my grandmother. Alzheimer's took a beautiful woman, a beautiful soul, a beautiful mind. And, with the circumstances surrounding her not knowing anyone by the time she left the earth, I am still saddened. I am really choked up thinking about it.

Last year, my hubby was at Missouri United Methodist Annual Conference, and I was with him. And it was Sunday morning when my mother called me with the news. Though I was sad, I was still at peace with her going. Her quality of life was not serving her well. However, I was sad for my mother & her siblings. They worked so hard to keep visiting her & try to keep my grandmother as sharp as possible as her mind continued to slip away. That's what broke my heart.

Today, I remember back to last year being in the presence of United Methodist clergy & laity. The annual memorial service for those who have gone on before us took place on Sunday morning. We had planned to go, but I was having difficulty focusing. But my hubby & I went anyway. It was hard at first, but it was such an odd service, it actually helped take my mind off of things at hand.

But I also remember my friend, who is a pastor, Jenn. She could tell from a mile away that something wasn't right with me. She could tell it at the memorial service. When we returned to the convention center, where the meetings are held, she tracked me down to find out what was up. I broke down, and she prayed for me & with me. I will be forever grateful for that.

Later, my pastor friend, Angela, ministered to me without even realizing it. She ministered to me through her butterfly necklace. I have had quite a draw to butterflies for years. I have my own Theology of the Butterfly. (feel free to ask me about it...I never mind sharing it) Angela shared a God-filled inspired message to me. Almost a mini-sermon & she had no idea. She didn't know what I was going through, but God knew I needed that message.

I found out at my grandmother's visitation that she had a draw to butterflies, too. And a butterfly had a long visit with one of my aunts on Sunday...the same day I got my word about her & the "butterfly visit".

I'm having a harder time today thinking about all of this than I thought I would. I'm really choked up as I am putting these thoughts out here.

The thought runs through my mind as to my "condition" I was experiencing the week leading up to it. I know I should've seen a doctor...but I hate going to the doctor. Ask my hubby, he gives me a hard time about it...as he should. But I had been waking up in the middle of the night, every night, and not sleeping well after that due to chest pains that would set in. It would last through some of the morning, but would dwindle away & I'd be fine the rest of the day. Weird, I know. Not good, I know. However, that Sunday morning, I dreaded waking up in the middle of the night expecting the pain. I woke up at 2-something, but no pain. I went back to sleep. When I got up, still no pain. Then I got word about my grandmother.

Though I didn't have much interaction with her through her last few years of life, I think she might have been going through something in those last few days beforehand. I can't explain it, but all I know is that she died in her sleep sometime between Saturday night & Sunday morning. I can't help but think that she may have left around 2-something on Sunday morning. The pain was gone. I felt it & didn't know what it was.

As weird as it all sounds, it so incredible, and still hard. But God has given strength through all of it.

I am so grateful for the memories of my grandmother. I learned even more about this remarkable woman after her passing & was even more amazed by what she'd done in life, and also more saddened by what this nasty disease did to her.

I am also so grateful for the gathering of such wonderful clergy & laity every year. God does great things. I pray for everyone durning Annual Conference that the Spirit moves in & through all of you. Each of you are a blessing.

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica

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PS ~ I saw that Ray Bradbury died today at age 91. Lil guy heard me telling hubby about Ray's passing & lil guy asked how old Gigi is (my living grandmother). I paused & told him she is 91. He responded with, "I hope Gigi doesn't die." I'm in total tears. Just heartbreaking. Hard, hard, hard...and I'm with lil guy. Me, too, lil guy...me, too. *cries*

AM~Erica Goes to a Funeral

So anyway...

There is going to be a lot in this post, so bear with me.

For those of you who know what happened this last week, my family & I truly appreciate the prayers, thoughts, and words of encouragement. They have truly meant so much.

For those who are trying to figure out what the heck I'm talking about, I got word this past Sunday morning I got word from my mother that my grandmother, Connie Burr, passed away. The past several years have been rough as she developed Alzheimer's. It is a cruel & ugly disease! It is something that took a fabulously witty, intelligent & creative mind to leave a shell of a woman. It was very difficult for me when I had to be reintroduced to her about 3 years ago. By the time this was over, she wasn't recognizing her own 6 children. She left behind quite a legacy, for sure! And, what's even more amazing is how much she put her growing family first! I had a connection growing up with her as we both collected dolls. All kinds of them! I remember comparing them with her, or I would bring whatever new doll I got for Christmas over to her house to show her my new addition. She would take me to a room or to the attic to show my a doll she's had or one she'd just received. Many years ago, I made doll for her. I made a Martha Washington doll (at least in my head). I poked my fingers so often from the LARGE needle I used to attach the porcelain head, arms & legs to the soft, stuffed body; I got glue on my trying to make the doll wig stick; I completed her with, what I felt was, the perfect dress. My grandmother was quite a special woman, indeed! I even learned so much more about her when I read her obituary. What a remarkable woman! How sad how much of that left so long ago.

I am at peace with her passing. It was difficult to see her for the last time at Easter seeing what Alzheimer's had done to her. I know she is in a much better place. It will be hard dealing with the grieving process from my mom, my aunts & even my uncle. On big holidays, the family would gather together (6 siblings & spouses, 10 grandchildren & spouses, 23 great-grand children) for meals & company. It was always in her presence. And now it will be different without our matriarch. I miss her soft & raspy laugh, I miss her loving & ornery since of humor. But she celebrates now & awaits the rest of us to join her.

When I found out about her passing, my husband & I were at the Missouri United Methodist Annual Conference in Springfield, MO. I was keeping the news a little under wraps, not wanting to draw attention, especially since I was at peace. If you know me well, you will know that I have a thing for butterflies. They bring a spiritual sense to a situation & at least one seems to show up somehow when I need it most. I was speaking with a pastor at the conference, Angela Olsen, about a beautiful butterfly necklace around her neck. She did not know my situation, and she said to me, "Can I tell you my butterfly story?" Of course I welcomed it! It was a beautiful story filled with God's love & vision. I watched her get chills...and it gave me chills & hope. A spiritual butterfly showed up for me in that time. I tell you that story to move onto this story...

I was at my grandmother's visitation when one of my aunts began to tell a story about that Sunday morning after she received the new of her mother & a butterfly came & landed on her friend. It stayed & visited for a while. My aunt wanted to know why it landed on him if it was really her mother. She held out her finger & the butterfly went to her & stayed with her for quite some time. They walked around with it for a long time for a butterfly. Then she exclaimed that she knew it was her mother, because, you see, my grandmother loved butterflies. Every time my aunt saw a butterfly, she thought of my grandmother. Apparently, my grandmother's favorite song is called "The Lucid Butterfly". Interesting since everyone tried so hard to hang onto every lucid moment during her Alzheimer's. So I feel like my grandmother visited some of us maybe to let us know she is OK.

Now we move to the day of the funeral...
I put out some wording lately that was taken out of context...kind of. The pastor who gave the message & officiated the service is not Methodist. That's where I will choose to leave it. The family wanted my husband to speak in some capacity during the service, but was denied. The family was told that no one else could say anything until the body was committed to the ground at the gravesite. It would not have been a big deal if the message was that of comfort & love. Instead we got very little comfort from the pulpit that day. We were reminded about Adam & Eve and the original sin. I am unsure as to why that had to be brought up just to tell us that my 88-year-old grandmother died of sin. It was a horrible & awkward moment. It really was. He also spoke about he would visit with her, but that's where it should have stopped, because he added the words, "once a month". It sounded like it was something in his schedule that he had to do. Those three words could have been left out & it would have been much more personable...instead it sounded like a civic duty that he HAD to do. There was only a brief celebration-of-life moment when he compared to the shepherd by herding & caring for her family. That was it. The obituary was more of a full celebration of life than the entire funeral service. This was also a service that was promised a choir or song leading, and neither happened come time for the service. The family had hoped my hubby would give words at the graveside or give the blessing during the luncheon back at the church. These didn't happen either; it was my mother who offered extra words at the graveside since this pastor didn't open it up after the body's committal. When we got back to the church, the pastor is the one that took the blessing. The family was very disappointed & knew that my grandmother would have loved for my husband to have done or said something besides being a pall bearer.

I want all of the clergy out there to know that you do what you can to bring comfort to the family; make it a celebration of life instead of a full-on theological lesson. I am letting you know that the words spoken from that particular pulpit did NOT help! We were/are blessed to have each other as a family with lots of love & humor. All of that was so much more helpful in this case.

Once again, my family & I are so thankful for all of you who have given words of hope, been vessels of God's word knowingly or not, prayers & thoughts. It has meant a lot...and the grieving begins & the celebration of a beautiful life continues.

If you are still reading, thank you for sticking it out & let me get this out.

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica

AM~Erica is GOOD!!!

So anyway...

Today is a great day! My hubby & I have been married for 13 years strong!! Actually, the story of how we met is part of my testimony. You should ask me sometime!

What a busy day today, too. Church, of course, and we made sure to grab dinner (without the kids) & then a show ("Celebrate Life" musical from 1972 put on by the MUMC Chancel Choir). Wasn't that nice of the choir to celebrate our anniversary?

My gift FROM my hubby was, well, time: it started with 1 cute butterfly cuff watch, then since my hubby knows I like to accessorize, he brought out 5 more just like it...but in different colors. I was laughing hysterically! I loved them! Then he wanted me to have one more thing...a GORGEOUS Fossil watch that is brown & looks like a chocolate sunburst! I know - it sounds strange, but it is BEAUTIFUL!! So sweet!

Then, my turn to give my gift to him...

Let me first preface that it is a difficult thing to get my hubby ANYTHING. Either he already has it, doesn't want it, or (no matter how obsure it is) just plain figures it out. It so frustrating! This time, I had the most stellar gift! It is out of this world - just ask him!

I got my hubby an acre of land on the moon (seriously - the deed & all), had a star named for him, and gave him a small piece of moon rock! Needless to say (but I will anyway), I got him. He never figured it out & was enjoying studying the maps of where the plot of land was on the moon AND where to find the star in the sky. I am GOOD!

OH, after the concert...we are going to enjoy some yummy Starbuck's...without the kids!

I LOVE YOU, HONEY!! SHMILY!!

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica