AM~Erica Walked Out of the Darkness

So anyway...

Yesterday was draining!
Physically & emotionally...well...draining.

These past few months, I've been asking for support & donations for the AFSP of Greater Kansas (City)'s Out of the Darkness walk.

It's a walk that is a memory walk for the loved ones who lost someone to suicide, as well as those who have &/or still suffer. Teams & individuals raise funds for the awareness that will hopefully lead to the dwindling & eventually the prevention of suicide all together. As these walks grow, it's proof there's work to be done.

A few things happened yesterday that were really powerful. Let me try to pull myself together so I can tell you about it. If I get emotional (which I probably will), just hand me a tissue. I just want the word out...

The 3-mile walk took place at the Richard L. Berkley Riverfront Park. What a beautiful setting! And I heard it would be an emotional, supportive & healing day. Though those words do describe it, it's hard to just tell you about how true these adjectives really were.

I was so excited to see my friend, Jenn. I hadn't seen her in probably 20 years! We reconnected in a big way on Facebook...but not quite the same. If you remember, she's the one that started SOLOS ~ Survivors Of Loved Ones to Suicide. And I knew it was her in the distance! I ran up to her!! Our reconnection was so emotional! I was so happy to see her...just not under these circumstances. But as we talked, we knew God had put us in each other's paths for a reason. And here we were.

Just me & my girl, Jenn.
Love this girl & the reason I decided to tell my story.
She took this selfie of us.

Then I made connections with some pretty wonderful people in the meantime: Caroline Allen & Barb Nelson. These women are powerhouses for this Out of the Darkness walk...and their stories are heartbreaking. Loss of a spouse; loss of children. Mental illness that leads to suicide is a monstrous beast! I am so blessed to have met these women...but again...not under these circumstances.

I was running into people who were commenting on my tutu (of course). And we began to share stories, and we would erupt into fountains of tears, followed by much hugging. So beautifully overwhelming...

I had almost forgotten to check in as I was taking in what was going on around me, so I made sure to do that. As I checked in, the guy marked off my name & exclaimed, "Well, you raised a dollar or two!" He then turned around to get me a tshirt. See, if you raised at least $150, you get a tshirt! Because of some very gracious friends & family, I had raised $1,150 for AFSP! Thank you to those of you who helped with the cause!

Then I went over to get my beads. No, they aren't treated like getting them at Mardi Gras. Instead, there are 8 colors, and you get beads for how you are affected in this cause. I got green & blue beads. Green means I personally suffer, and blue is because I support the cause. I actually got 2 blue beads because I was asked to be a part of the opening ceremonies. I was floored & overwhelmed to even be considered! I was asked to represent those who support the cause...

A wonderfully sweet gal, named Katie Rohr, put the bead ceremony together. There were 8 of us on a tiny stage standing on either side of a decorated metal heart with colored daisies on it, one for each color represented. I was hearing stories of those who lost a partner/spouse, those who lost a sibling, those who lost a parent, those who lost family or close friend, those who lost someone in the military, someone else who suffered personally, and then...there was me. I was already crying listening to the heartbreak of these people standing there with me...in front of about 800 other people. As my name was announced, my story was being read as I placed one of my blue beads onto the decorated heart. Though I was so honored to be a part of it...I felt so insignificant...I knew that I could have been one of those colors of beads around someone else's neck. That's hard to bear. But I stood there on stage in my Team SOLOS shirt & tutu (of course I was wearing a tutu), bundled up in layers (cuz it was COLD), weeping. I couldn't even look at the crowd. It was a tough & beautiful moment.

There's me standing on stage trying not to knock my new friend, Shaun,
off the stage. He is on the AFSP of Greater KS board & a fellow attempt survivor.
He's pretty awesome.

That's my friend, Jenn, talking! And me on stage, plus me walking.
My high school friend, Amanda, got these pics!

A pic from Barbi (who was a fellow walker that I went to high school with)
Just me walking with Amanda & her son with his friend

Then we cleared the stage to make way for a couple of speakers...one of them was Jenn. She was beautifully eloquent about losing her mother, what it meant to her, and how she's helping others others with their grief thru SOLOS. And she is what inspired me to step forward with my story so maybe I could help others who are not only in my position, but also to try to help others who do not struggle learn to have conversation & to help break the stigma. So I owe a lot to Jenn.

We also heard from Susie, the Chiefs' Cheerleader who rides Warpaint!

As the opening ceremonies were winding down, the teams began to gather & the walk began. For those that could, there were 3 loops around, a little over a mile each. I got to talk to some from high school that I probably hadn't talked to since...well...high school. I also got to meet a few on the team I didn't know at all, also. And still more stories were coming as to why those of us were walking that day.

And I was glad my girl, Monica, came to join us this year, too!

When the walk was finishing up, the walkers were gathered back together for some closing ceremonies. There were about 4 participants who were honored for raising $1,000 or more for the cause. Remember how much you all helped me raise? Yep! I was called up to the stage! And I got a certificate, a ribbon, an AFSP pin & an AFSP Out of the Darkness bracelet. Oh...and a hug from Barb Nelson.

Me on stage with Barb Nelson

It then went on to the reading of names of loved ones lost to suicide. My friend, Jenn was asked to do this along with my new friend, Caroline. Wow! That was heartbreaking! And moving...
It was followed my a moment of silence for all of these who we lost...
Then there was a balloon release with names & messages of & for those lost to suicide.

A pic of the balloon release from Barbi.
Isn't it beautiful?

It was pointed out that the tears shed this day were not of sadness, but of healing.
Pardon me...I'm getting verklempt...

*ahem*

As things were winding down, and raffles were being handed out, I knew I needed to head out. It had been a long & emotional day. And I met some wonderful people, and got to reconnect with others. It was beautiful.

As I come away from this event, I know this is where a passion of mine is. It was certainly cemented at the walk.

I have also taken first steps into my field advocacy for AFSP. The ball is rolling & I'm looking forward to getting the word out, to stop the stigma, to open conversation, and to make sure those who need treatment get the treatment they need.

I know there are many out there who are grieving those they have lost to suicide. And with the stigma still so high, it can be so hard to grasp. But please know, these people who suffer do not choose suicide, they don't want to suffer anymore &/or be a burden to others. Please understand their reality becomes different during an episode they go thru. I want to be clear on this.

But, there's those of us who are still here. We don't know why, but we are. And we realize there's family hurting because of it. It's that high stigma & expectation thing, I guess. But to the families who still deal with the grieving that almost happened...let your family member know you are glad they are still here. Don't hold the resentment. Somehow there's another chance. More life has been given. And it's OK to talk about it. We NEED to talk about it! I know the more I talk about my struggles, the less likely something will happen. Because I still suffer from time-to-time. I don't choose it. None of us do.

And for those who are in my shoes, and I know you (or a loved one) is still here after a failed attempt, I walked for you. I honored each & every one of you that I knew of.

So, I walked in a way that would honor you (them) by wearing the initials of those of us who are failures...and are still here to talk about it.
I will never give a story out. Several have come to me with their own struggles or a struggle within their family/friend circle. I also know it's tough for many still. So if you come to me, I will never give out those stories. They are not for me to tell. But I will keep you in thought & prayer. And with initials on a bracelet during the walk.

I have something special I will be doing with these bracelets. And if I had your initials, I will be contacting you soon. I walked for you & the fact that we are still here. A walk of healing among grieving folks who actually lost someone. We are here to tell our stories in our own time. Heck, it took me over 20 years.

And now there's work to be done. Stories to share, conversations to be had, stigma to drop. We can do this. We ALL can help!!

Be watching...I may be helping with these walks next year...I have an in!

As always, thank you all for your support!

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica

AM~Erica is Kickin' This Crud Where it Counts

So anyway...

I'm still fighting this stuff. Though I'm not as QUARANTINED AS I WAS, I'm still keeping my distance the best I can...and trying to take it easy...while fighting this stuff as hard as I can!

Of course, I've already been TAKING STEPS TO STAY WELL, but this stuff caught me anyway. So I am trying to drown this junk in vitamin C & antioxidents.

I have also been introduced to Zicam. So, it has been added to the regimen.

So, on top of the tea (which now as Airborne added to it...) and the immunity smoothie, I've been drinking water, getting rest, and taking to the Zicam.

However, now Teen Boy has gotten this coldy junk. He's not as prepared as I am...and I've already told him that he will not like me by the end of today with all the stuff I'm gonna make him do & take. He doesn't like any of it...but...TOO BAD! We are getting rid of this!!

So, I have decided we are taking hold of the the chicken & noodles kick. Tonight will be chicken & noodles in the lazy cooker...but I also made some chicken noodle soup designed to help kick this crud where it counts!

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Lemon Herb Rainbow Chicken Noodle Soup with Green Tea

2 lb boneless/skinless chicken breast, cooked & shredded
1/2 C lemon juice
80 oz chicken broth
4 C brewed green tea (yes! Green Tea)
1 C celery, chopped
1/4 sweet onion, chopped
1 C carrot, shredded
2 C finely chopped spinach or kale (or other dark leafy greens)
** other vegetables, fresh or frozen - (i.e. bell peppers - all colors, chopped; corn kernels; peas, shelled; butternut or any other squash, chopped; etc.) - the more color, the better...this is the "rainbow"
1 T salt (any)
Ground black pepper, to taste
3 T ground ginger
1/4 C parsley
3 T oregano
3 T basil
2 T thyme
2 T garlic powder
2 T cumin
1 bag whole wheat egg noodles


Pour lemon juice, chicken broth & green tea into a large pot. Bring to a boil.

Once boiling, turn heat down to mid-hi heat. Put in the shredded chicken (I put the chicken breasts in my lazy cooker in the morning so it would be cooked thru & easy to shred by the time I made the soup) into the broth.

Begin adding the vegetables plus the herbs & seasonings to the soup. Continue to let boil on mid-hi heat.

Then add the noodles. Make sure they are tender.

Begin testing the soup's broth to make sure seasonings are to your liking; adjust as necessary.

Let simmer.

Serve.

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This soup is PACKED with the good for you stuffs! And, it was pretty good. I toned down the amount of lemon juice...I used about 2 cups of it...and it was REALLY strong! Didn't need quite that much.

We are gonna get rid of this stuff as best & as quickly as we possibly can. I shall be a warrior thru it all!

Ruh-roh...looks like Teen Girl may have the beginnings of her fight starting. The war is on...

Zicam & soup, anyone? Stay well, my friends...

OK, that wore me out...I should go back to bed...
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica

AM~Erica is Working Toward Staying Well

So anyway...

If you are unaware, maybe because you live under a rock or in an actual cave, you will probably know that there is major-crazy buzz around the flu season this time around. However, if you do live under that rock...I guess you are well, anyway...

But, for everyone else, schools have closed due to the outbreak being near epidimic levels, hospitals are overflowing...and there are even M*A*S*H-like tent cities set up outside of the ER's specifically for those who have the flu or flu-like symptoms. There was news that a restaurant in Springfield, MO closed down due to the virus.

Flu tent outside of an ER in Philadelphia to help keep the virus out of the hospital

A set up of famous fictional M*A*S*H unit 4077

I'm gonna make something clear: IT'S A VIRUS! Or at least one of a few. So, sadly...when you go to the doctor or the hospital because it's so bad, they are probably going to give you IV fluids. If Tamiflu is working for you (for any of you who have needed to try to take it), then that's good. However, I am wondering how many of you out there got the flu vaccine, and still got sick!

Some of you reading this may be shocked & mortified, and others will completely agree with me...but...
our family does not get the flu vaccine. Because...guess what...it's based on the previous flu strands. And? There is ALWAYS the "new strand of flu" that could not be included in it. And? There is another virus going around that is flu-LIKE...it is NOT the flu! So, the vaccine & Tamiflu ain't gonna touch it, people.

I have no idea what my affinity is about going to the doctor, but I just get so bothered to have to pay anything to go & have them shrug & say there's nothing they can do...then wish me luck.

So, there's some things that many of us...OK...well...ALL of us should be doing to help ourselves & others. Some of it just makes sense (I've decided not to call it "common sense" any longer...more on that in a future post), but there are many who are too prideful & over-confident to keep up on some practices...

One of the biggest things to do? WASH YOUR HANDS! A lot...a WHOLE lot. Then carry lotion so viruses to sneak into the cracks of over-dried hands. And try to avoid a lot of handshaking, high-fives, cheek-kissing, etc. Maybe we should just be like Howie Mandel for a while & just fist-bump people. Oh, and we could learn from what children are taught when washing their hands: sing a 20-second song (even if it's just in your head). It's been brought up to use the "Alphabet Song", "Twinkle-Twinkle, Little Star", or "Baa-Baa, Black Sheep". (Actually, all 3 of those are the same tune...so multi-task & simplify by washing hands while humming 3 songs at once. You'll be an amazing party trick.) You can carry hand sanitizer, too...but do not become a slave to it! Only use it when needed only when there is no soap & water combo to get a hold of. A certain amount of germ exposure helps build immunity. Don't forget it!

Oh, and please...PLEASE...cover your face/mouth/nose when coughing or sneezing. The best place? In the crook of your elbow or into a tissue. Please do not do it in your hands or just out in the open! *shivers* I'm getting grossed out just thinking about it. The crook of your arm won't have as much contact with things nearly as often as your hands, and you can throw away the tissue that caught your nasty germs-in-flight. Don't let fly everywhere. No need to have your nasty nose &/or spit particles attach themselves to the 3 people across the room, as well as anyone in between that flight pattern. *shivers*

Lots of water! Keep hydrated, folks. And, if you have already lost serious hydration & that flu-y stuff has already taken you over, get some Gatorade or Pedialite down you. Get those electrolites going again. Yes, there is the salts & sugars in them, but your body will need a little extra sumpin'-sumpin' to get back on track!

Also, continue taking in Vitamin C to boost the immunity stuff in your body. Make all those stuffs (yes, I'm using technical terms...so sorry if you can't keep up) into little fighting ninjas!

Now then...there is an old wives' tale that chicken noodle soup can help you in getting well. What's one of the first things people want you to do when you get sick? Yep! Have some chicken (noodle) soup! As I have come across some different research on this, it turns out this is true! There are natural antibodies that happen when homemade chicken (noodle) soup is made. So, not only is it soothing...but it is building up those little ninjas, too!

When that throat is scratchy, sore &/or tingly...I have a really awesome tea that I make. Here's what it is:

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Throat-Soothing Tea

2 parts lemon juice

1 part water

2-3 T honey

¼ t salt

1 lemon-honey cough drop or throat lozenge (I use Halls)

1 black tea bag

1 green tea bag

1 Throat Coat tea bag

1 t ginger

Fill a microwaveable mug with the lemon juice & water.Add the cough drop or throat lozenge along with the green & black tea bags.Heat up the liquid for about 2 minutes, on high, then let rest for about 1 moreminute. Take out of the microwave, remove the tea bags, then replace them withthe Throat Coat tea bag, and let stand, covered for about 15-20 minutes. Afterthat time, uncover, remove the tea bag, then add the honey, ginger & salt.Stir well & make sure the cough drop/lozenge is dissolving.

Drink it until gone. An occasional gargle with it before you swallow, as itcools to just above luke-warm, is recommended.

Make this upon the onset of a scratchy or sore throat. Repeatseveral times through the 1^st couple of days, then back off to 1-2times for a couple of days after that.

** It is not meant to be delicious!! It's not bad, but it isintense & strong! Brace yourself, but it works.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One of the things that is an old wives tale is about cutting up onions & putting them around your house to ward off flu and illness. I had seen this around so much lately, I thought I'd look into it. Ummm...please don't do it! First, an onion is not a sponge...it is full of juices that have already been given rights to reside in those oniony pores. And viruses are not going to cling to the onions...they are passed around thru contact. Unless you are breathing ON the onion...it's not gonna work. And? The smell is so strong! You're just gonna make everyone cry...or sicker the next day due to the overwhelming odor. If there's gonna be a smell of onion in my house, they had better be cooking! That smell is amazing! And...if you're gonna cut up onions to help with the flu, put 'em in your homemade soup. If there ends up being a Great Onion Shortage of 2013, it had better be because they were being used to make soup...not to be left out to dry up & just get gross, as well as bringing a different bacteria of mold & such into your home...making people sicker. Maybe?

And? STAY HOME! Fever? Coughing? Nausea? Sniffles? No one else wants. And you're not just giving it to other students or coworkers...they are taking it to their other jobs, families, stores. See how this works?

If you are smart enough to stay home, get rest! Your body needs to just close off the rest of the world to concentrate on getting better & fighting this junk! But, if you can't sleep...or your body is taking a break from sleeping, it has been suggested that you watch comedy, play board games, and/or drink hot chocolate. Why? These things keep your brain active (so a different kind of workout), plus laughing gets your feel-goods going, and the warmth, chocolate & sugar (minimal) of the cocoa gets those feel-goods moving, too. Oh...and steam! Let the steam from a hot bath or shower help loosen things up. Plus...a good bath or shower usually helps make you feel better, anyway.

Now then...if you are well & just want or need to keep up your immunity...here's some stuff for you to try:

Continue to wash hands. See above. This cannot be stressed enough.

Keep taking Vitamin C. See above.

Drink water. Keep hydrated. Actual water...not just the other drinks that have water in them. WATER!

Oh...and you're supposed to exercise. Guess I should try to do this again. I just haven't gotten there. But still, exercise & stuff. Cuz it's good for you anyway.

Take your vitamins! TAKE 'EM!

Oh...and keep feeding yourself healthy stuffs! Fruits, veggies, soups, balanced meals...and some people do the smoothie thing. I have an immunity smoothie that I have from time to time. I would make sure to inhale it before volunteering at Lil Guy's school. Here's how to make it:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sweet & Tart Immunity Smoothie 

(aka to my kiddos - blood punch)

Orange Juice

1 bottle DanActive immunity yogurt smoothie (I like Strawberry Banana or the mixed berries)

1/2 - 1 packet Crystal Light Cherry Pomegranate (this used to be under the "immunity" & "antioxidant" label)

Add a little OJ at the bottom of the glass
Add the Crystal Light powder
Stir very well
Pour the DanActive into a juice glass
Fill the rest of the glass with OJ
Stir well again

** It's really sweet & tart...and looks like blood punch. But I really like it!!!

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I'm also all about lots of color in dishes & meals...like multi-colored pasta, lots of veggies...I love color anyway & sure love it within my food, too. And more than just M&M's & Skittles. I use a 15-bean mix for my ham & beans, and I love using all the bell pepper colors when making dirty rice, and I love using squash & root veggie mixes with my pasta, or a beautiful stir fry with a lot of color...even a really good fruit salad with lots of berries is fantastic. Froot Loops totally count too, right? No? Although, I do see chocolate & coffee as vegetable based...cuz, you know...they come from beans! Duh! Oh...and wine comes from grapes. Hey! Those things do have their own health benefits, too, you know...
Can you totally feel the antioxidants working just by reading all of that?

People...what it comes down to is a matter of taking care of yourselves. Please! It's considered the worst flu season in years! (I know, I know...when isn't it, right?) But there have seriously been places closing. Churches have been handling services differently. Not sure how host/hostesses & door greeters are gonna handle their jobs soon. There is a Wally-World close by that has their cashiers wearing gloves. Seriously. i'm guessing masks might be next?

Aye-yi-yi!

Stay healthy, people. Take the extra measures. It won't hurt your ego or confidence if you're doing this stuff to be healthy.

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica

Dear Friends of AM~Erica (the hard post)

So anyway...

Many of you know that March was a very difficult month for our family. It still hurts from time-to-time. But, below, I am posting a version of what I posted on my FaceBook & MySpace pages recently about it:

"Hello to all of my friends.

I want to thank everyone who has shown concern for our family situation the last couple of weeks, as well as the prayers.In a tragic string of events that have come to light, Chris' 17-year-old daughter, Chelsea, has made the decision to move back to Las Vegas with her mother. It has been a gut-wrenching time & a lot frantic moments have been spent, a lot of tears have been shed.

I want to make a couple of pleas to those reading this:

1. to all of the teenagers who read this, your family loves you no matter what. They want to help you through any hurts & problems you may have or encounter. You are not alone. You are trying to show your independence by making adult decisions, but you must realize you still need guidance in doing so sometimes. We all make mistakes; no one is perfect except for Jesus Christ. Even if you don't want to admit it, your family is there to help you through no matter what it is. Pray through your decisions. If it feels wrong, or you know it's wrong...then...it's wrong. If you stumble, ask your family to help you back up. You are or will be a role model to at least one person or more whether you like it or not. Be the role model that you would like to have. This is my plea to you.

2. to all of the parents & adult mentors - it is a difficult job, but we love our children no matter what. Remind them ALWAYS! Never assume they are doing just fine - check, often. Get to know the friends & parents of your kid's friends. It may prove to be an important asset to posess. If your child gets into trouble, hopefully the other parents will have your back if they know the situation to let you know; and if you believe one of your kid's friends are in trouble, make sure their parents know. It is NOT ok to cover up the situation in ANY circumstance! Be as involved in your kid's life, even if they are teenagers, as possible. It won't prevent heartache, but it should help prevent a heart from breaking. This is my plea to you.

Continued prayers are appriceated for all involved: Chelsea, family & her friends. She will realize one day what she has done, and will have to face up to the hurts & wrongs of her (not-so)"adult" decisions.

Hugs & Blessings to everyone. It is now in God's hands."

We are so grateful for the support our friends have shown our family as we continue to get through this & heal.

Some of you may know that I love doing some of the random quizzes on FaceBook. I came across one about "What God wants you to know"....so, whatever - some random thing to read. I did it, and I would like to share here what was on my screen:

"Erica got a message that on this day, God wants Her to Know...
... that it is time to finally forgive yourself.You've carried the guilt, the shame for long enough. You've kept your wounds open for long enough. The time has to come to let go, to heal. Keep the lessons and let the pain heal. Yes, you know what we are talking about it."

Wow...that one hit hard. I have been talking about this still being a "wound". So, here is part of my attempt of "healing" as I continue to loosen my grip & let God just take it. Why is it so hard to let go??

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica