AM~Erica's Dark Side of Despair: There's Work to be Done

So anyway...

Quite some time back I made a decision to be as open & honest as possible about my mental health.

I hit a hard low, very recently. It had been building, but the depths of despair became unbearable. It was to the point that I knew I had to make good on a promise to find help.

Luckily I'm blessed with friends who can oddly sense when I'm entering a dark place - even when they are no where near my vicinity.

I hit a major low. It had, apparently, been slowly building...apparently. I just know I had a new symptom kick in that I am not used to: sensory overload. I have not been handling it well, and it has been affecting my actions & reactions. Irritability, snap reactions, all the sound being too loud & garbled at a level 12 through the air, people (yes, even my family) are just too close in my bubble, everything is making me feel claustrophobic - like I'm slowly melting & collapsing on the inside, as well as not handling the ebb & flow of an ever-changing schedules well. Yeah - that. It was leading to empty despair that I was getting lost in. A deep, dark abyss was swallowing me up - I was drowning on dry land.

My hubby wanted to bring it up, but didn't want to scare me & possibly bring me down any more. I have a very dear friend who messaged me to see if I was OK.

As I am training for a big race coming up, I am needing to get some hard running in. I had a plan of how I would work in a couple miles of hills, not too long ago:
My hubby headed back to work from his usual extended lunch at home, so I had some time to perfectly work in the time needed to get the hill work in before the hustle & bustle of getting the kiddos picked up was to commence. I was coming onto AND on my first big hill when my phone was vibrating like crazy on my arm. I knew I needed to cut the run short, knowing I at least got one hill in. As I looked at my phone, I realized my hubby AND daughter had been trying to call me! I called my daughter back first, and she exclaimed, "Oh! thank God! You're alive!" I was very confused by that, and really wrote it off as usual over dramatics. She told me she was done with work...and hour & a half early! Without getting to get rehydrated, proteined or changed, I had to take my semi-sweaty self, still in full layered running gear, to pick her up. I was NOT happy for the shake up.

I usually tell someone when I go on a run, but I was just going to be gone a short time. I didn't have to start getting kids for at least an hour, plenty of time to get my run in...and didn't figure my hubby would be calling since he JUST left the house with some meetings to prep for. So, I was just going to work it in...

Come to find out, I had been exhibiting an upswing in my odd symptoms, and when neither by hubby NOR my daughter could get a hold of me, they truly thought I'd taken drastic measures with my life.

**********

When my friend flagged me down (one who lives NO WHERE near me), she said she was worried about me. She gave me the number to NAMI so I'd have it right in front of me so I could call & get help. Because I already knew I was probably at that point to make good on a promise that I would try to see someone if I started to become consumed by the abyss.

I got myself together, called NAMI, and a guy very quickly asked where I lived, then gave me a number for a very close by place to call, and that was it. So, I took another deep, and labored breath to call the place. Since I'd never been before, I actually had to leave a message in hopes someone would call back with help.

In the meantime of the wait, I broke it to my hubby that I had called to find help. That's when he said he was glad, and started breaking down all of the signs I had been showing for longer than I'd realized. And here we were, at my lowest point in a very long time.

I sat nervously wondering if I'd get a call back from the ONE place I was given a number for. All of my energy was put into those two phone calls: NAMI & place NAMI gave me the number to...

In my estimated guess (because I was in a slump of time in this moment), it took anywhere from 3-4 hours to get a call back. My thought process, in this time, was feeling forgotten by a place you were told could help me. My thoughts were going to dangerous places. If I couldn't get help, and if I couldn't deal with everything going on around me, and if I was truly frightening my family with my apparently-obvious burden...well...

...however, when they finally called, I had a release. I told them my despair & why I needed to see someone. I let them know I was given their number by NAMI, who's number I was given by an important friend. I let them know what I was going through, and that, yes, I had thoughts of taking my life...but I wouldn't. My safety net is that the means my brain goes to for using isn't allowed in the house; I don't have the energy to seek it out, either.
I was put on hold to see what they could do for me...
Then I was told they didn't have much room for me, that they really only help the uninsured & those in financial need, and, "...here's some numbers for you to try. But if you can't get to them, please call us back. Make sure you have the crisis line close by incase things escalate for you. And take care of yourself." I was told this after hearing what I was going through AND acknowledging the tearful despair in my voice!

I took down the numbers, but here's a basic rundown of options I was given, even in the state I was in:

~ Call you insurance & maybe they can give you some numbers of doctors in your network

~ Here's numbers to two different psychiatrists if your insurance covers them

~ Write down the crisis line to have handy if you think you will truly hurt yourself

You know what? It took every fiber of my being just to call this place. After two phone calls & waiting for the second to maybe call back...I was spent.

I looked at my list of numbers, and I knew I physically & mentally didn't have it in me to call any of them. My despair became even greater...

My hubby just kind of stood idly by. Not because he didn't care, but he was shocked by the despair & the lack of help this place was willing to give me. He reminded me of a counselor who comes highly recommended, and someone I have met before. He gave me the number (of course), but I wanted to be able to just quietly research each of these names I was given...

I couldn't get any reviews of names I was given, and the list on my insurance was too great to try to get through or to make heads or tails of to even know where to begin.

So I looked up the counselor, and this one didn't take my insurance, but had a list of questions I SHOULD CALL MY INSURANCE ABOUT BEFORE MAKING AN APPOINTMENT!!

At this point, when someone is so low in despair & pain, one should NEVER have to deal with this kind of runaround. Ever. Because, if I'd had the means necessary, that would have been my problem solver rather than having to make even one more phone call...even to the crisis line.

**********

Here's something I need you to understand about me:
I thought I had my depression under control enough that I could shake it when needed. I knew what to do & mostly how to deal with it. I was NOT prepared for a new symptom to kick in. I didn't know how to deal with it. At all.

I haven't seen a doctor about any of this for a VERY long time! Why? I had this in the bag! Was I cured? Nope. Just figured I had a good enough handle on it.

I was wrong.

As I advocate for people to go see someone when they need to, and I am such an advocate for mental health & suicide prevention, nothing truly prepared me for this shake up.

This is where I'd been oblivious & selfish. I thought I had a grip on all of this. Not in a pompous way, just really thought I didn't need to see someone at this point. I didn't need medication & I could get a handled on my down times.

So now I need someone. And someone who needs help so badly can't get the help they need in that moment...

Imagine someone who's never been through this before:
They get to a point of needing to call someone, and they get just enough energy to do so. But it turns out they have insurance & make too much money to get to the one place they were told to call. They have no idea they shouldn't have a means to take their life, but they can't deal with calling another number, even the crisis line they are told to keep handy, along with 3-5 other phone numbers. There's not energy to call anyone else; there's no energy to call yet another number...so they do all they can think to do to get rid of the pain since no one is taking time to help them get better...

We are in amazing times right now, people! Right now, mental health awareness is at an all time high! The stigma is lowered, but not gone. So, we are in a time when healthcare is supposed to be great for all of us & taking care of all of us, especially with mental health...
...but it's not. The system is continually failing those in need. When someone is in desperate need of help, the last thing that should be happening is to be given the runaround & told they need to go elsewhere with a list of numbers they cannot make sense of, or energy to call.

We wonder why we lost yet another wonderful soul to the devastating abyss of the fatal outcome of suicide because no one was willing to help them in the mental illness state of their health.

This is deplorable.

People can't get meds when they need them, people can't get in to see someone when they are in desperate need of someone professional to get them back on track. So, when they can't get the help they need WHILE in their time of need...we are about to lose someone else.
If a place is supposed to be there to help, is willing to listen why they need help, but won't help them, it's like a diving instructor helping someone dive off the diving board into an empty pool.

Those of us who do suffer with a mental illness are still expected to live our lives.

These illnesses do not discriminate. They don't care your gender, your color, your height, your financial situation, your living situation, who you love, your relationship status, your age, your religion or beliefs, your nationality (background)...and it certainly doesn't care what you've got going on or what your plans are. It will strike when it wants to.

I have a summons for jury duty. And, right now, I cannot get a medical release for my state of being. I have to try to help the system when the system is failing me greatly.

I am trying to be an advocate for those in my place, right now, as I am battling to stay afloat - even while trying to make plans for greater advocacy.

**********

Now then, as part of our overall health, we should have a counselor (at the very least) to be able to see when things aren't going so well. Do this while you are not at a low point. Give yourself time to get to see someone. Because they won't help you get started when you're at your lowest.

This is a sad truth right now. You want despair? There it is!

As for me, I'm on a slow upswing...
I'm not back to where I need to be, but wow! I have sure learned a lot about my dark side, as well as the dark side of the system - you know, the ones who are supposed to be stepping up to help those in despair.

But I'm working on myself right now. I will get to those phone calls when I have the energy to talk to someone about them. Someone new, anyway.

So let's all get behind each other, know how to handle each other in an actual mentally ill state, and let's get set up with someone professional so that you can have better access when you are in those horribly low times. Because I never want anyone to be passed around while they just need the help of one person.

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica

AM~Erica's Dealings With All at Level 12: It's Too Much

So anyway...

Believe it or not, I've been working on this blog post for almost 2 months. Stopping & starting with every little distraction around each festive corner.

I literally scrapped what I'd worked on & decided to start fresh & new. After several days & weeks of not completing a blog post...you can begin to wander.

Look, I've been struggling. Big time. More than I realized.

Me today. Not all of my days are full
of happiness - this is one of them.

My depression has kicked up. But it's different this time.

Something has kicked up in me, though, that I need to make note of: sensory overload.

This has thrown me off. This happened to me only once before only a few months ago.

I had been down one day. Someone brought up heading to a book store. There's a Half Price Books close by, so I thought I'd go over there to see what I could find...however, when I walked in the door, something happened...
...I began to look around, and it became too much to deal with. Too many choices, too many books, too many stuffs. I began to have a near anxiety attack just thinking of having to choose a book from any section - from walking by the featured section & the knick-knacks up front. Just. Too. Much.
I promptly held my breath, spun a 180 on my heel, and bolted out the door! I couldn't take it!
A book store.
A book store was too much for me to deal with.
That seemed ridiculous.

Now it only happened that once. I don't remember anything to that magnitude ever happening before.

Until a few days ago:
My hubby & Teen Boy enjoy some back & forth about politics along with world happenings. But deep & nearly debating - loudly. They both know how to project anyway...but each sentence gets a little louder, and then a little louder...
I don't deal well when a "casual" debate strikes up as it is, but it got over-the-top! I actually went & hid in the master bathroom to get away from the seemingly tense air of the discussion. They weren't even arguing - just discussing. But it was too much to deal with. I couldn't do it.

Then, regularly, we get verbal interwebz. What does that mean? It means at least one of the kiddos has come across something (generally a list of some sort) on the interwebz, and then just launch into reading it ALL to us/me. Often. No prep - just BOOM! Random interwebz list.

Now then, this can generally happen from Teen Girl as she tries to talk over the ridiculously loud politico discussion happening...while...a video game is going on & someone is probably verbally showing disgust in how it's going - loudly.

Now then, when does it bubble up? When I'm trying to research something, read something, discover something, create something. I cannot focus on what I would like to, or even need to, because there is SO much other stuff happening. All at once.

Then, we only have 2 cars. So when the kiddos need to be somewhere or need picked up, it's up to hubby or I to take care of that. When we have at least a good idea of schedules, something always seems to happen that switches things up: a different or shifted lunchtime, a different work schedule, last minute pickup change...
So, when I'm trying to plan to have things done, it doesn't happen. Why? I'm dealing with the schedule changes within the household.

All of this has been happening at once!

Hence the ever changing feel & tone of this very blog post that I've worked on, changed, trashed, restarted since the beginning of December.

Good things have come with the new year. I swear. But at this moment, I'm overwhelmed, irritable, can't deal with being questioned about everything (ever get to the point where you feel like you have to tell the family you have to go to the bathroom or just walk to the kitchen?), micromanaging for what THEY are wanting/needing & forgetting there's others...and only 1 me.

*sigh* 

I'm running on empty. I can't seem to get footing on some of the things I love being a part of. I'm too busy dealing with everyone else, the schedule changes, the lack of audio courtesy, the being pulled 8 other directions - even last minute.

Today, I had hoped to get in a bit of a run: hill work. I'm working training for a big race! (more on that another time) So, I waited until my hubby went back to work from an extended lunch time, got myself bundled, stretched, hydrated, and headed out. I wouldn't be getting Lil Guy for about an hour, then off to pick up Teen Boy, then over to get Teen Girl from work. This timing would work. Not a long run, just enough to get in about 3 big hills - and maybe just under 3 miles.
In the midst of one of my big hills, my phone was vibrating like crazy on my arm...they would have to wait. I'm in the midst of focussing! But it kept buzzing - I looked & saw hubby was calling. Looks like I might need to cut things short. I finished that hill & one more that would get me back home. Not even a mile & a half, but realized Teen Girl had been let off an hour & a half early! Now all was thrown off - again. I took my sweaty self over to get her so I could get back to actually rehydrate, then change quickly to get Lil Guy, head straight over to get Teen Boy AND let hubby know I was fine. Angry & frustrated, but fine.

This has been happening so often!

When you suffer with a mental illness, it's important to get in "me time."

Bad thing is, I can't get footing to get any of that done.

I don't have time for my steampunk stuff lately.
I don't have time to bake too often (I will make sure a King Cake is done for Mardi Gras)!
I don't have much time to play with my new dresses - except for church. There's SOMEWHERE!
I don't have time to work up any dances.
I don't have much time to blog anything (this post should be some proof of that).
I don't have time to enjoy running. It's all about training.
I'm barely getting in celebratory time.

I'm constantly working around others' schedules. Yes, yes...I'm a mom! I know! But there's a point when I can only give of myself so much.

If I could go away for a day or two, that would be awesome. But I can't.
There's too much other time being filled with other stuff happening. Not even counting my summons for jury duty soon.

I'm just trying to keep afloat. I know the crisis line incase I need it. Because I feel like I've been close. I have a jumping reality as I'm trying to deal with this new overwhelment of sensory overload. Trying to figure out if it's something new, or if it's a new onset symptom of my depression.
I don't get anxiety attacks. At least not too often. I can generally explain the few I get. But these last couple coming on with the overwhelming sensory stuff has thrown me, for sure.

Until then, I need everything coming at me at a level 12 to be toned down to at least a 5. But not sure how or when that will happen. I may need help in dealing with this very loud air. It's tense. I'm not dealing well.

Hoping putting it down here will keep me in check.

It's nice to be needed...but at the same time, I don't have much left give...something needs to change.

Let it be known that I truly love my family! The mental illness I struggle with is just making it difficult to cope.

I made a promise to a select few that if I was feeling worse, then I would find help. It think the time has come...

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica

AM~Erica Wants to Describe the Pain

So anyway...

If you have kept up with me the last couple of years, or a little longer, you will know I speak up about my mental health, as well as advocate for treatments, preventions, and hopefully cures.  (reminders HERE) And, even though I am better most of the time, I still have my moments. Sometimes the moments are triggered, sometimes they seem to come out of no where...

Full disclosure at this moment: I'm having one of my days. Not one of my deep dark ones, but I feel my insides feel like I'm dangling my feet over the deep, dark abyss. Trying very hard to stay on top of it. I promise. I recognize it. I want you to know that it's a good thing.

It's a day a feel bad about myself. Like I've done something really wrong. I haven't...but there's the days, the moments, you suddenly feel like the worst person on Earth. It could be stress, not sure. But I know it's there...creeping. It's uncomfortable while making it's presence known. And it's very real.

I want to make that very clear. These feelings are real & exist. And I hate it!

So, I'm putting it out there, today, for a couple of reasons:

1. I have found when I find ways to talk about it, I can keep this thing at bay. So, I'm "talking" about it.

2. This is a good opportunity to explain this invisible illness in yet another way.

Not only do I suffer from depression, but I also get migraines. Ugh. Like a lot of women, as a matter of fact. It bums me out that I'm such a statistic. But I gotta deal with it as these things come.

With my migraines, I try to catch them as early as I can. Because if one of my headaches get rolling & I don't have the chance to try to put on the brakes...the atrocious pain levels become excruciating! Every sound hurts. Every light hurts. Every thought hurts.
Sleep certainly helps in the long run. And I have to hope my nausea doesn't come to fruition...because I will be camped out on the bathroom floor with a rice pack &/or a bag of frozen veggies for my head &/or neck as I try to get comfortable enough.
You can see it in my eyes when one hits. And, when they are bad enough, the thoughts get dark...

...I want help. But not the appropriate help. I get the "suicidal migraines." These are headaches that hurt so much, and you feel you cannot bear it any longer...
For me, I will have the thought, "If I only had a gun to forcefully put a hole in my head, I might be able to relieve the pressure."
Oh man...just putting that out there is breaking my heart. But that's how great the pain can be with my migraines! And? No one doubts when I have one.

No one tells me to think more positively to get rid of it. No one tells me it's a sin that I'm suffering with a migraine.

Here's my point: I liken my migraine pain to my depression pain & beyond.

Even though my suicidal migraine thoughts are actually separate & different than my typical (I promise I'm using the word "typical" loosely), they run quite parallel.

When I have a migraine, no one questions. People want to help. People want it to go away & want to go out of their way to help with what they can. People will leave me alone when they know I need to be alone. But when the pain is so great, and I cannot think clearly any longer, any thought that already hurts can actually become harmful in thought. But I'm so wiped, I would not & could not act upon it.

When I am having a down & empty day, a day when I'm feeling sad & worthless, no one should question. The pain can become so great, I cannot think clearly any longer...and there are the times when I think there is no other way out of the abyss than thoughts of great harm...I want to relieve the pressure. Since the pain is in a different place, it could be very easy for me to act upon it.

My thoughts in my depressive & suicidal states become different. I know how I would want to relieve the pressure. But it's those factors that cannot be around within my grasp. In my lack of logic, and in a state of an off reality (because that off reality is still my reality in that moment), I want to relieve the pressure of a pain that is so great. But...sometimes I can sleep it off. Note: SOMEtimes...

I want to make it clear that not all of my episodes of either state are like this...but...they have been known to get there. Also...I am never "committed" to that! EVER! I DO NOT CHOOSE that kind of state to be in. So the fact I want out of it should say a whole lot.

This goes for anyone else who has been, or is, in that position. They are so ill, they are in a lot of pain. They want out of it. They cannot seem to find another way out. Tomorrow doesn't feel like it will help. And that's where the promise of tomorrow from supportive people come into play.

When someone is feeling so ill, how do you treat them?
If someone comes to you saying they have cancer, do you doubt them? Do you doubt their pain? Do you think it's something they choose? Or do you want to help them anyway you possibly can knowing they want it out of their body?

This week, the Senate actually got along. There was a vote for a bill, called the Clay Hunt Veterans Suicide Act, that went up for vote. It passed, overwhelmingly, 99-0. There was one vote absent, but they were a co-sponsor of the bill. You realize this was a unanimous vote...from ALL sides...right? This means so much...but it also means every person in that room understood the magnitude of this. They were affected in someway (i.e. whether losing someone they love, they know someone who suffers, they may suffer themselves). And it begins with the ones who sacrifice so much of themselves for our own freedoms...many of them suffer. The ones we owe so much to, for our freedoms being defended so fiercely, are finally getting the help they may need recognized.

(Read about it HERE)

It's a huge & important step toward the fight for suicide prevention...and mental illness. And I'm so proud of the Senate for allowing it to start there.

The Clay Hunt Veterans Suicide Act is now on it's way to the White House. And it's exciting! And moving. We have to start somewhere...so why not with our veterans? At least! But I think it should grow from here. And we are on the way to diminishing this ugly thing of mental illness using suicide to take lives.

It is still a touchy subject for many. I have had several come to me, in absolute confidence, about their situation: whether for themselves or about a loved one. I will never breach that trust. It's hard to talk about. But it shouldn't be.

I'm not ashamed when I have a migraine. Why should I be ashamed when I am having an episode of depression...and maybe even thoughts of life escape? It means I'm ill.

Are you ashamed when you have a cold? Allergies? Sinus flair up? The flu? Announcing we have strep throat? When your child has chicken pox?
We put it all out there on social media & in our circles...so why can't we talk about the mental illness with the same amount of ease?

So I'm trying. Today I'm feeling under the weather. I'm down. I have an illness kicking up. And I'm talking about it. Because I know it's one of the remedies that works...for me.

And I will be OK.

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica

AM~Erica Sees Heightened Awareness

So anyway...

I am one who gets shocked &/or saddened by any celebrity death. Then I ponder their life, career, family, fans...and it gets really sad. But then August 11th was different. Very different.

Not only America, but the whole world, lost one of the greatest legendary talents & biggest entertainment icons in all of forever...

"You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it." 

                                                                                      ~ Robin Williams

We lost the spark of Robin Williams' greatness. Gone. Just like that.

Gone.

Though I get shocked &/or saddened by celebrity deaths...this one was different. 

This man who I remember so well in my young life & on my family's television screen would wear long red pajamas with a big silver triangle on the chest or rainbow suspenders while uttering alien phrases like:
"Shazbot" & "Na-nu Na-nu".

Then I remember a great movie that brought a cartoon to life. I still love watching the corny cheesiness of "Popeye", along with it's catchy tunes.

I remember knowing about "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD MORNING, VIETNAM!!" I didn't get to watch it until years later.

Then, my view of Robin changed in a deeply changing movie for me. A story so brilliant, it was in a rigid ruled-school where the same gender dressed alike & were expected to be cookie cutters to enter the world...when an English teacher broke that mold. Ripping up a rule book & letting them know about a bigger world out there...and letting them know they are individuals. Oh...and using their smarts at the same time. The story has a tragic turn...and a situation happens that mirrored Robin's actual end 25 years later. And the tribute of acknowledgment still remains. "Oh Captain! My Captain!" It remains one of my all time favorite movies.

From a spin on Peter Pan to being Aladdin's Genie, to playing a cross-dressing nanny to see his kids to getting lost in a magical game, from heights of goofy or even dark comedy to hardcore dramatic roles, and to amazing standup & living in total improv...he made people cry. Whether it was with laughter, or with sadness...his gifts knew no bounds. At least to our knowledge...

In fact, he had been battling demons of depression & addiction for years. One of the most kindest, gentlest human beings who could light up a room or screen just by showing up was the same one who hurt so much. And, he was such an amazing actor that he could use his gift of humor and a well-chisled mask to cover the pain to the naked eye.

I had not heard any of the derogatory remarks about this, personally, until I came across something this morning. I came across a doubting remark from someone, who obviously does not suffer or is not aware of those who do, as to why the passing of this celebrity is so monumental. 

And I am going to keep this death out there since I am a passionate advocate of the very thing that killed him: Mental Illness.

No, many of us didn't know him personally...but...he made his way into our lives in amazing ways. It should also make all of us realize this nasty disease really can happen to anyone. And if it can take someone like Robin...then imagine what it may be doing to the person next to you while you may have no idea. His death should be making us talk about why the stigma still lingers. It makes mental illness even more real.

As a reminder as to why I advocate for this SO much is because I do suffer. (the reminder of my coming forward HERE) I have also attempted to take my own life because I was hurting SO badly on the inside. (reminder of that coming forward HERE) But when I attempted, and obviously failed, I had no idea I was dealing with this madness. It took years before it was brought to light in the midst of another very low time. It all began to make sense. Because I didn't know I needed help at that time.

You know what? I know of those close to me who refuse to acknowledge what I just told you, above. When I begin to advocate & make this awful illness known from my own experience, I know the ones who blow me off. I have also heard, from those close to me, that those with depression just have issues & they need to get over it. Ugh! If only it were that easy. It's not. 

Along the same lines, I am really hurt by those who talk about suicide being some selfish decision & that it shouldn't be lifted up in awareness. It's actually disgusting to know that people who have no idea what those of us who do deal with it actually go thru. At least try to understand & to listen. 

I am so thankful for my husband. Though he's never really been in my shoes, he sees what it can do. He can see it's not some decision I've made to cower in a corner & just be a shell of me. He tries to help me talk it thru, or knows to leave me alone for a little while, but is always checking. I appreciate him so much for that...and just another reason why I love him so much.

A former pastor of mine, mentor to my husband, and still very good friend, Geoff, also suffers. He wrote an amazing blog post when the world found out about the death of Robin Williams. I would like for you to take a moment & read it HERE. And, interestingly enough...I have noticed that some who blow off my story (like it never happened) have rushed to Geoff's blog postings (by him or others) & and 'liked' it on Facebook. I'm hoping it's like when your own kids don't listen to you, but if someone else says it, then it sinks in. Maybe it will start to sink in.

Also, for any doubters & those who spew any level of vile lies about suicide...I challenge you to actually look at the resources that have been so readily available since Robin's death, and actually for quite some time before that. Read it. All of it. And if you refuse to read it, then please do not give a misguided opinion on what you, the unaffected,  believe mental illness, suicide, and their connection is about. Because...you are usually in the presence of at least one person everyday, unless you live under a rock or a complete hermit, that is suffering or has suffered from mental illness. 

The autopsy results came out for Robin. They are gruesome...and it shows how much despair he must've truly been in. A pain so great that he was doing anything to longer be a burden to others in his life. Which is not true...but he was not in a reality mindset. He must've been in such darkness that the only way out was to leave life. There was so much good happening for him that he could not see by the clouded view of mental illness.

Why should we be talking about this celebrity who did something so awful when so many other people have done the same thing & we aren't talking about them? This is not just some other celebrity death. Life is precious. But we don't all know each other. However, we are all familiar with Robin Williams. It's the familiarity of the name & the person that has all of us realizing what we have lost in this person, collectively. Should we be lifting up these other folks? Absolutely!

My friend, Jenn, has an amazing support system she has created. I want each of you to go check out SOLOS - Survivors Of Loved Ones to Suicide (HERE). She created it after losing her mom to suicide. And I want you to read the stories shared thru SOLOS. This is one way to bring this nasty disease to the forefront, as well as having names of loved people attached to it. 

Because I'm a failure, I am so honored to be walking Out of the Darkness on October 4th. This is raising funds & awareness for those who have been lost to suicide, those who continue to fight suicide (like myself), and the mental illness(es) that can lead to these. Here's where you can help in this. Be a philanthropist & give to this cause. Here's a couple of ways:

You can fund my fundraising effort HERE. I have raised my goal again since that last post. So anything to help would be amazing! Or you can also click on the graph at the top right of this blog page.
You can also join us on Team SOLOS HERE, and you can join in the cause & raise funds, too.

click above photo for fundraising page & story

For the next 9 days, ONLY (as of today), you can support my friend, Jenn (our team captain), by showing your support & getting your own t-shirt HERE. This is the shirt most of us will be wearing for the walk.

click above picture to purchase a SOLOS shirt

Your help would be greatly appreciated!

Do you know what else would make me & many others grateful? Educate yourselves. Keep educating yourselves. I do...often. Just reading an article or two is not enough. Another thing to do is to talk to someone who actually has suffered or who does suffer. Know that there is not going to be a lot of logic in what you hear. It's because the brain is sick & has difficultly deciphering why we are so down, alone...even when others are around. If you want us to find help, quit using us as a punchline or looking down on those of us who go thru it. 

On September 10th is World Suicide Awareness Day. Just to let you know, the high-profile Robin Williams will be used as an example then, too. Be ready.

So...for all of you who question why we are even talking about a 63yo celebrity, named Robin Williams, who died due to mental illness & suicide...this is why. For those of you who are annoyed by those of us who have banded together in great grief over this particular passing, be wary as to what words you spew. We should mourn any suicide that happens. Because it could be any of us at any time. I'm envious of those of you who don't understand. It's a sad & broken place to be in.

If you go back & watch "What Dreams May Come," please pay attention to how suicide is covered. I grieved that part in the movie. I felt every moment of it...because I get it. 

Please do not turn your nose up or back upon this very real thing in anyone...celebrity or not. At times I still get that low. And if you don't understand that, then try to attempt to understand & get educated. Otherwise you are spewing hate against a very misunderstood illness.

And now, in our sadness, we should take some solace that Robin's soul may now rest.

And let us not allow Robin's spark to be completely lost &, instead, let's allow it burn brighter as we carry it on like a torch...

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica

AM~Erica has Raised the Goal

So anyway...

If you read my last post (HERE), you can see I am asking for help to walk Out of the Darkness.

Since then...big & generous things have transpired!!

Due to a few who are very moved, touched & committed to this cause because they suffer or know someone close to them who has suffered, or even have a loved one who died by suicide...the contributions to my fundraising page have been emotional for me.

My original goal was $150; the Team SOLOS goal was $500 overall. I surpassed both goals in less than 2 days due to some very generous donors. Just overwhelming...and amazing!

Well, I already have $660 donated, at the time of this post...which includes a donation from my very supportive & wonderfully loving husband. So, I've slightly raised my goal from here to $750.

I am one that hates asking for money. I'm not the fundraising-type of person. But I am unbelievably passionate about this cause! As someone who as suffered depression & failed my suicide attempt...my story tends to resonate with folks. The private conversations I have had with several have been moving! And I'm so grateful I am able to have these conversations.

The stigma must go! I have found that I am in a rare few who have opened up about my struggles. The numbers who actually suffer is astronomical! And it's the downtrodden comments, looks & overall judgmental responses from those who don't understand is exactly what keeps so many from telling their own stories of struggle. And believe me when I say that I have certainly heard some those & read some of those judgmental comments.

Even though the walk is happening in October, won't you help me & my team do our part to help beat this illness, stop the suicides, and just get rid of the stigma so those who struggle with these thoughts & feelings won't implode from feeling so embarrassed by what society says is OK & isn't?

If you click on my picture, below, it will take you to my Out of the Darkness fundraising page. Pray on it if you don't struggle or haven't been affected by this illness & if there's a spot in your heart to help out, we would appreciate it. If you ARE or have been affected (either yourself or someone close to you) by depression & mental illness that can lead to suicide, or by losing someone to suicide, let's beat this! Let's fight this fight! Even if you can only do $5...that's $5 more toward the research & resources needed. The donations are 100% tax deductible, too!! There will be more info on my fundraising page...

Click the image for my story & to donate

And if I get to my $750 goal...that's awesome!!! I look to raise my goal again. Considering my original goal was $150...this is HUGE!! Who else wants to step up? Anyone wanna force me to raise my goal again?? Let's do this!

Also...if you are one of the ones who have struggled in any way (either yourself or a loved one), and if you are or can be in the KC area on October 4th...you can walk with us, too. Let me know so I can get the info to you to join Team SOLOS (Survivors Of Loved Ones to Suicide)!

Your help would be appreciated & would help so many!! Plus...I got a bunch of '6's going on this moment. Not so fond of that either! ($660 raised by 6 generous donors...would you be donor 7? Even for $5?)

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica

AM~Erica is Gonna Walk Out of the Darkness

So anyway...

I'm gonna do it this time. I am...I'm actually gonna do it...

This girl, right here, is going to walk out of the darkness.

I was asked to so this last year, but I could not work it.

The time is coming, and I am so moved to finally be a part of this.

If you haven't figured out by now, I have picked up running. (reminder HERE) I have even done a couple of races...with some more on the way very soon. Several of them are raising money for different charities. Most of the ones I've seen & looked into all have the donation from sent from your registration fee.

Well...I have now registered for a 5k coming up this fall. It's a walk. It's the walk Out of the Darkness. And it's a fundraiser to help with research & resources, as well as bring suicide awareness.

This is where I will need YOUR help!

On October 4th, I am walking with a team. Team SOLOS has graciously asked me to be a part of their team. Survivors Of Loved Ones to Suicide is headed up by my friend, Jenn, who lost her mother to suicide. And she has actively & beautifully been building a support system to family & friends who grieve for their loved ones due to suicide. And the stories are heartbreaking.

Jenn has been a friend of mine since high school, and who I haven't seen face-to-face since that time. And I have been so glad to have reconnected with her in the last couple of years. And she has become quite a rock for me in my own struggles.

My #SelfiePortraitProject, "Overthinking"

If you click HERE, you will get to the blog tab of my blog posts about my own struggles of depression & suicide. And it will tell you a lot as to why I have been so moved to have her ask me to be apart of this. But she knows I need it, too.

I will be in a group of thousands who have lost those they love due to suicide. That's overwhelming. And I'm sure there will be others who are in my very position, too. That's terrifying...and beautiful. It means we are fighting the fight. We are fighting the fight for the ones who will surround us who are still living in the aftermath they were dealt. They didn't ask for it. But it happened. And I will be in that atmosphere...as the failure I am. Which is a good thing, by the way...

WHEW! Geez...I'm chilled thinking about it. And I know how important it is.

I have also, very recently, come to the understanding of the beatitude, "The meek shall inherit the earth," may possibly be referring to using our weaknesses as our strength to help others with our same weakness. We just keep using our sympathetic reach from our soul to help each other out. And then prevail! Over and over and over again...

So here's where I ask for your help.

I have a personal goal of raising at least $150 BY October 4th. My team's goal is $500 overall. Anything over that is incredible & generous bonus!

If you click on the link, below, you can donate to the cause. I also have a link set up, to your right at the top of the page, that you can also use until October 4th as I continue to blog about the insanity of my life.

I want to thank you in advance for anything you can do. Especially if you are struggling with these things, or if you have lost someone to suicide...let's try to work on the research to move forward in getting rid of these suicides & the attempts, the depression & mental illness that leads to it.

Our local news station, Fox 4 KC, lost a very popular weather guy, Don Harmon, to suicide. It was a shock across the city. But the news anchors & staff continue to do stories keeping depression & suicide in the forefront of some of their newscasts, as well as doing commercial spots reminding viewers that, "You Matter."

Yes. You. You matter! Let's keep this rolling...as I work on my own journey as I continue to walk Out of the Darkness.

My #SelfiePortraitProject, "Out of the Darkness"

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

UPDATE!!!

Due to a very generous donor who this cause has effected greatly, not only is my personal goal met...but my team goal, too!!! But don't let that deter you!! The more we can get for research & resources, the better!! I still ask for your help for the sake of the cause! Thank you!!

AM~Erica is Better

So anyway...

The last few days have been difficult in my depression struggle. (reminder HERE...in case you want/need to read it)

Though I don't get the onsets very often, it's hard when it does hit. And I've had it last for weeks, but usually maybe a day or two.

After this 3-day span, I can finally say that I feel better. Started getting a few upswings yesterday...and I think it finally took hold. YEA!

I find that when I blog about my current or former struggles, it's actually very therapeutic. Not only does it record like a journal about my struggle at that point, but also how I feel, etc., and there's a couple of other benefits that go along with it:


1. It lets others who struggle know that they are not alone in their battle. It also allows me to gage if there's something in the air when others step forward saying they've been feeling the same things right at that moment, too. And it helps give them a reciprocal gage on their feelings, too.

B. It keeps this illness in the forefront & allows those who do not have the struggle to know what the rest of us can go thru. It's hard when we hear things from non-sufferers that just say it's in our heads, we just have issues, and what a sin it is...and many other harsh misconceptions. Gosh those are awful...and it continues to tear down those of us who do suffer.


I will tell you some of what has helped me:

Talking about it.
Believe it or not, just stepping out to kick a hole in the stigma has been part of my own personal therapy. I haven't been on meds for a long time. I'm so thankful for that. But I also feel, in my own battle, that I go thru this so infrequently that I really don't need the meds around. They would expire before I might need a third dose.


Helping others thru it.
Bizarrely, I am (usually) still in OK shape to help someone else going thru it at the time, or to just be an ear about their struggle. It's like forming a support system with those who know what you are going thru. It's a strange comfort to know you are not totally insane feeling the way you do.


A solid support system.
When I hit my lows, it is so hard on my family. My kids want me to carry on, but my hubby tries to understand. I do have family who don't suffer but try their best to help me out & try to pick me up. They try to give me my space, but try to involve me. But I realize it can drag them down, too. So, for families who have a loved one who suffers, just please know that (more than likely) you are not cause of an onset...unless you were a real jerk. That can be an onset. But a lot of times, it's underlying triggers that may seem to come out of no where. Please be supportive of them. It's hard enough as it is, but when you start voicing concern that you're the blame...wow, can it ever drag down the sufferer more. Because they will spiral faster in the vicious cycle of sad thoughts that they have now made you feel bad. Pick a different time to discuss this. Just keep trying to get them to talk, if they want to. Don't push. Just love them. They love you, too...but it's difficult in an episode to appropriately let you know. Sometimes they think they are showing more than they actually are because they have clouded thoughts. Don't take it personally. That's important to help in the upswing moments.


Boy, do I ever pray.
And I attempt to pray a lot. At least how it goes in my comprehension during that time. But I always keep an open line with God. I hate closing any prayer...it's my own thought that we should be in constant contact with Him. So, when I hit those lows...I try so hard to talk to God about finding that light...finding that wholeness that I lost somewhere. God doesn't leave me. So I pray it leads to guidance and comfort somewhere.


Now then...the support system is the most important for anyone suffering. The others (along with other smaller things like blogging, trying to laugh, and eating chocolate) are part of my own healing each time. Yours might be different, just try to have that support system of trusted family &/or trusted friends.

A friend shared this video. It's an interesting illustration of depression.

Please take the 4+ minutes to watch & help you understand.

I'd like to throw in here that I never look for sympathy when I put out my own struggle. I feel bad when I get sympathy. It's not being a drama queen or whatever. Remember what I said earlier in the post? It's therapeutic & I hope it's helpful information. Not just for me, but truly for others. Because I get such an outpouring of support from closeted, not-as-closeted, and out-in-the-open sufferers. And I mean from all different levels...

And I want to make it clear that this is an invisible illness. You don't necessarily know who suffers & what they've been thru. In the last year & a half, I have had several come to me privately about their struggle. And don't worry, my friends, you & your struggle levels are totally safe with me. I was in that place for so many years. And I pray for the lot of you often.

And, in that sense, I want to thank those of you who have offered up love & prayers for me. The additional support is amazing. That kind of positive energy is unbelievable.

I also want to thank a couple of friends who were frighteningly on with a couple of triggers I think I had this time. Ones that I had no inkling about me going thru until pointed out.

Now then...I'm not an illness hypochondriac. Just because someone brings it up doesn't mean I automatically have it. But it does peak interest.

And, just for my sake of journaling, and after talking to the greatest of my support system, my hubby, I think there was a combo of triggers that seemed to come out of nowhere, but were actually underlying.

It is not my place to put out there what happened to a particular family, but my hubby had to deal with a ministry situation that was very difficult. I had some ties to a situation like it, and I was discussing my experience with my hubby so he knew what he'd be heading into a little bit more. It involved some grieving. (For those who know of the situation, please respect the family by not discussing the situation. Thank you.) As it appeared, bringing up those memories again may have been part of the trigger. A dear friend, privately, brought up the possibility of this being a trigger...and I was blown away. I never even thought about it because my experience happened so long ago. My hubby wondered if it was a possible trigger, too. Wow.

Also, there was another dear friend who brought up the idea that it could be seasonal blues (aka - SAD). That threw me off since I've never been one to experience it. I know others who have, but this has never been one of my triggers. However, with freshly getting back into a regular routine, the hustle & bustle of the holidays had faded, and the twinkles go away...it's almost like a let down, just being left with the cold & gray of winter with lifeless trees & brown grass. The color is gone...and it can zap you. Believe it or not, my hubby wondered if that was another facet of my underlying trigger.

Have I mentioned talking it out actually helps? It does. It can be weird if you're not used to it, but it does help. I hope it has helped any of you who have turned to me to feel a little better, at the very least.

Now then...deep down, I still have a feeling of wandering. I think I'm headed somewhere in my own journey. I feel led somewhere...but I don't where that is yet. I've had lots of interesting signs of things & just trying to piece it together.

And, for anyone who has these feelings of self-doubt, emptiness, sadness, loneliness...as my friend, Katy, says, "Feel all the feelings." If you need to just let someone know you are in that place, please track me down. If you haven't been diagnosed with depression, but think you might need to be...please go see a professional. Please. To help you get back on the right track for you.

Whew! It feels good to be back. It feels good to laugh. It feels good to...well...feel good.

And I hope this continues to give insight on what a struggle looks like & what you can do to help.

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica

AM~Erica May be in a Wilderness

So anyway...

As the new year is off & running (some of that is a literal resolution for some of you), there are those who are taking their resolutions & changes by the reins...and riding it out. Then there's those who are trying so hard to stick with the resolutions they made & are already chasing that shiny squirrel down a different path.

If you might remember, I talked about HERE, I am not a resolution maker. My brain & moods take me to all different places so often, I forget which path I started on. I tend to follow the shiny squirrel, that happens to be a dysfunctional hologram, as it appears, disappears & then reappears while it dances with a mobile disco ball. The dancing shiny hologram squirrel also does karaoke sometimes, too.

I know so many folks have made the resolutions to be more positive & such. I think a lot of people want to try to be that way (except the ones happy wallowing in their own self pity). I try really hard to be that way anyway. Try to give the encouraging word...but I freak out on the inside often. And I try to force the happy positivity; however, I do realize that there's times where it's obvious it's forced.

There is not much secret, anymore, that I suffer from depression. (you can read about some of the struggle HERE) And here we are at the beginning of this new year, and I've got that feeling rearing its ugly head.
I've gotten that distant feeling setting in...
...the emptiness...
...the sadness...

It's that feeling of being in a rut...and we just got back into the routine after the extended break we just got thru with (my thoughts on that HERE).

The biblical part of me starts setting in & I think about Jesus wandering in the wilderness while fasting for 40 days & 40 nights...to be led to the tempter (the devil) to be tested. (Matthew 4:1-11)

I feel like I'm stumbling into the wilderness. And I feel like I'm being led to something. I just have no idea what that is. But I'm in the stage of feeling lost...just wandering.
And today is the first time, in a long time, that I've had the overwhelming urge to cry about it. I get the down feelings, empty feelings, distant feelings...but that needing to open up & cry out of no where is a rarity in my case. But it's hard & heavy today.

Then I get thinking about that wandering & fasting for 40 days & 40 nights. That makes me realize it was the same amount of time that Noah & his family were sent afloat when God drowned out the world...for 40 days & 40 nights...with it raining...

...drowning the world...
...yeah...that feeling...

And I try to stay afloat. Because, biblically, the number 40 stands out as the number of years that Moses led the Israelis out of Egypt to the promised land. People...40 YEARS!! And Moses didn't even get to see the promised land!

Then...I get thinking about those I went to school with...and I cringe at each of them slowly-but-surely turning 40 years old. *AAACCCKKK*

Maybe that's part of my issue, too. It's my own biblical wilderness? Maybe?

I don't know.

Right now, it's hard to see that I might be strong enough to make it thru dealing with an evil temptation, to be able to stay afloat while the new shows itself & there's a rainbow (I am gnawing on Dove chocolate at this moment), and maybe I'll get to see whatever that promised land might be.

In the meantime...I'm wandering, drifting & trying to stay motivated to drudge forward. Because there's times like this when it's hard. This is one of those times when I'm not necessarily OK. And I also know that it's OK.

Don't get me wrong...I know I am blessed with so much around me & in my life where others struggle with not having the things I do. But there is a battle I fight. And right now...it's a battle.

In the meantime, I'm going to find one of those trees in my wilderness to sit under & cry for a bit. Then I will continue my journey to see where I'm being led...

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica

AM~Erica Just Making You Aware

So anyway...

I'm still here. I'm still here. Some days I cannot grasp that I'm still here.

And today is one of those days when I look in a mirror & realize it's OK to be a failure.

Yes...I said it. I'm a failure. And I'm OK with that today.

If you're horrified right now, it's OK. I do understand. I really, really do. But I have my own reasons for being a proud failure. Today.

It's a hard thing for me to share. I SHARED IT LAST YEAR. But it always bears repeating. Why? Because there's so many of you...of us...who need the constant reminder.

That's what this week is all about. September 8-14 is Suicide Prevention Week. Today, September 10th, is World Suicide Prevention Awareness Day. And it's so important!! It so important for so many.

I have a friend that I know from high school who has started something so important...and sadly it's the support from the aftermath.

If you or someone you know has lost a loved one from suicide, I highly recommend what she does. Her name is Jenn, and she has SOLOS ~~ Survivors Of Loved Ones to Suicide ~~. Please checkout her passion for these people. She is one of these people. You should read her heartbreaking story that has brought her to this place. She has a calling. And it's beautiful. And she has helped be a rock for me.

Sometimes you see signs from people when they seem to be going downhill. Sometimes the signs are hard to see. I was so sad & shocked to find out another friend from high school recently died by suicide. He had some hard things in his life, but never realized what a toll it must've taken on him. Just heartbreaking. But I know several other high school friends who stayed very close to him & are still deeply affected by the loss of him.

Jenn is very involved in the survivors' side of things. There's a series of walks she helps with & participates in called "Out of the Darkness." Please check out her Facebook page (the link is above) for details for that. Seriously.

Now then, last year, I MADE A COUPLE OF T-SHIRTS for Suicide Prevention Week. It began with the design that I put on my wrist & went from there. Well I've updated the design...

Not only is there 'LOVE' there, but I made the 'O' into a heart-shape that reflects the appropriate ribbon colors, but still the red color of a heart. I also incorporated the semicolon. Why? There was a beautiful push for the ';' to be put on wrists to remind those hurting that it may only seem like the end, but there's more to come. That gives me chills & makes me well up thinking about it. Simple & poignant. So I incorporated it, too.

So...I am about to put it on a yellow t-shirt. And I still have the other tees to work in thru the week, too.

I'm not going lie...I have hidden posts. Not so much "hidden"...but more like "unshared". I do have some HARD-HITTING SOAPBOX MOMENTS, but these are different. They are dark, frightening...and maybe that venting saved my own life. I don't shout from the mountaintops when I'm feeling lonely & hurting. I pray, too. A lot. I pray to be a failure in this sense.

So far, I'm a failure. And it's good to share that. Because of it...I am here to share my part of what do go thru from time-to-time. I've been there. I end up there. I don't like it there...but sometimes, in a horrible way...it's a comfortable & familiar place. It's easy to head back there. Would you know if I was there?

Now the question is whether or not you would actually know about the others around you. Would you know if they were in a deep, dark place? Might it be the last time you see them because of it.

I found this to be an interesting full-circle moment:

Almost 2 years ago, Kansas City lost a very popular meteorologist to suicide. Apparently Don Harmon had been fighting depression for a long time. The one morning I didn't tune in to the Fox 4 KC newscast (and I'm not sure why I missed it), but apparently he was acting not-quite-right. So much so, that viewers were asking about how Don was doing & if things were OK. Sadly...later that day...Don took his own life. The next morning, the anchors just kept saying that once they had more information, they would let everyone know. It was so odd. It was because they were trying to let all family know.
It was so sad to find out what had happened. I remember watching the morning newscast as they were crying & laughing & sharing memories. I'm still choked up thinking about it.

Today, September 10, 2013 marks the 1-year anniversary of the new meteorologist brought in to Fox 4 KC. I found that interesting. World Suicide Prevention Awareness Day marks the 1 year since they brought someone in to officially fill the absence of Don with Michelle Bogowith. But that's my own observation. She is a good addition & is completely different from Don...which was a good call.

But these are some things to think about as we continue this week. Take care of yourselves; take care of others. Encourage this kind of failure.

And I am thinking of my friends that came to me privately last year with their own struggles. And there was more than one of my friends who shared their struggles with me. And I was surprised by those who privately came forward. But I hope you all are still doing OK. I think about your struggles, too.

Stay tuned;

God Bless, AM~Erica