AM~Erica Copes with Being Cooped Up

So anyway...

*WARNING: written under duress of cabin fever*

I am sitting here, enjoying my coffee in the quiet moments of my children still sleeping & hubby gone to work...

We are on day #3 of consecutive snow days due to the weather of a crazy snow storm & frigid temps.

I'm glad the kids were kept home for their safety...and, yet...it can be a bit much after a while.

I have seen, just this season, that those in the mid-Missouri regions, for sure, have had so many snow days, it's crazy! The winter has been brutal this time around! BRUTAL!

While I sit here...I reflect on my children...

I love them. I really do. I want to make that point very clear. Because you may doubt me as I keep going...but it's said out of love...and probably some insanity...

With 3 kiddos at home...and being cooped in together...it can be overwhelming.

Don't forget: 2 out of 3 kids, in our household, are teenagers.
Some of you know what that can be like, especially with cabin fever setting in.

However, this can be tricky when you can have parent-hating teenagers actually interact with you when they DON'T need something! Amm-i-rite?

Thankfully, my hubby has been home with us, the last couple of days, so I haven't been quite as overwhelmed...and I'm super excited that all the kiddos still want to talk to me (sometimes)...but it's hard when the kids get very talkative at the same time. They tag team each other to take over my 1 set of ears...and sometimes they will double-team...even triple-team...my ears & brain! It's like Conversation WWF! (yes...I went back to older school wrastlin' terms here)

It is so awesome how weird & random my kids are! And they are all differently weird & random! I love it. And they do enjoy sharing their brand of smarticles & wisdom. But when it all bursts forth at once...well...in my pride as a parent, my brain begins to melt. My brain cannot keep up with all the information being thrown at me! Then they get very upset if I didn't remember that one little detail of an overlapping conversation...like, say...they needed to be at a practice or something. Whatever...I digress...

I have seen awesome pop culture references from other parents about their cabin fever experiences. I've seen where a parent was concerned their home situation had turned into something out of "Lord of the Flies." I have seen parents want to [lovingly] volunteer their own children as tribute. Even ideas along the lines of kid-swapping has been implied...

This amazing compilation, and others, can be found at The D Continuum on Etsy (HERE)

My insanity is setting in at greater levels, I'm afraid...
I offered up, at one point, that Hollywood should take hold of these ideas, place a movie in a winter setting, and then as parents are working out a kid swap for their own sanity actually volunteer their children as tribute...and it becomes a Hunger Games-turns-Lord of the Flies. That, my friends, would be an intense movie, lending to extreme parenting examples to show your children, and then you could remind them that it could end up that way if they don't simmer down!!!

BWAH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....HA-HA....HA-Ha....Ha-ha...ha-ha.....ha...*ahem*

I need to get more coffee...the boys have gotten up...and my ears need to stretch before today's rounds of conversation...time to suit up...

And, I promise: I love my kids...I love my kids...I love my kids...I love my kids...
(Anyone repeating it with me?)

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica

How AM~Erica Almost Got Her Groove Back

So anyway...

There is this new term out there for the weather-talkers began throwing around this week. And has had a frigid effect on much of the U.S. Many of us have experienced...THE POLAR VORTEX!!!

Dun-dun-DUN!!!

As the kiddos had been finishing up the 2-week(ish...depending on where you were at) holiday/winter break, the Polar Vortex decided to show up.

With snows that had come thru during the break that kept families super cozy with each other for a couple days at a time...we had been working around that crazy Christmas schedule & stuffs, too. Right?

And, after a couple of restless teenagers AND Lil Guy nearly bouncing off the walls, we'd gotten thru Christmas (it really was great, folks) & toasted in the new year...tick-tick...it was TIME for those kids to go back. Getting back into a routine was quickly becoming necessary.

Don't get me wrong...I truly love my children! But I also got a glimpse of what it might be like if we were stranded in the middle of nowhere together. It might be entertaining at first...but I'd be worried of who might win that particular version of Family Survivor! *shudders* Not something I honestly want to think about...

So, as we were planning on getting ourselves together to begin a new week & get the kiddos off to school to begin the new semester & in a brand new numerical year...it happened. The Polar Vortex. *sigh*

After the 1st few days of the break, it's not so bad. The change of pace is usually a welcome one. But when you start hitting day #6 of begging to play Go Fish...it's time to start making an appointment with the men in the little white coats. As the kiddos count down to Christmas...the parents usually count down to when the kiddos head back to the regularly program...

|||| |||| ||||

the total number days the break should last

...then...the super chill of the Polar Vortex happened...and schools began to close. But if we had another day...that's fine. We understood. We couldn't believe that the high would maybe not even hit 0 degrees F, and we knew it was miserably colder in other areas. Dangerous! And we got the call. But we figured. But I hadn't had any, just, time! Sunday, church got cancelled, too, so we'd been inside since the Polar Vortex had hit on Friday night & into Saturday. We had cabin fever. As I was trying to figure out how to get a small break from my beloved children (I swear I love them dearly), I had hoped I could get out to pick up the Sunday paper for the sales ads & coupons (of course). Well, hubby & I bundled up, headed out to QuikTrip (by car) to get a paper & get drinks for the kiddos. It was 10 minutes, but it was nice. Because we were getting another day closed up inside.

|||| |||| ||||

OK...one more day...

So we stayed bundled up, inside, on Day #15...I was trying to keep my cool, especially since hubby needed to go into work for just a little while. However, as the day went, and as hubby still had folks coming into his office & got caught up in a couple of meetings...I can only take being asked to play Go Fish & listening to the strains of teenage voices attempting to "softly" sing what is being piped into their ears & the TV blaring Skylanders. The kiddos arguing over video games & who is singing & who won't play nice with whom...a mama can only take so much. Only. So. Much.

However...as the day wore on...and after a few more games of Go Fish (which is a game that does not like me...and I really hate playing games anyway), I was ready for the temps to warm up the following day so my beautiful children could GO...BACK...TO...SCHOOL...already.

We did see that some of the rural areas were canceling school for the next day, but early that evening. With the high temps the next day getting into the 20's...the brief interlude of below 0 temps wouldn't hurt the kiddos too much. Amm-i-rite?

So, by the time we went to bed, we were pretty confident (Ok...maybe 75% confident) that I could get up early & shift these kids out! (Totally out of love...for all of our own sanity.) With that...we drifted off to sleep, planning the morning & breakfasts & everything...

However...when we got simultaneous phone calls at 4:36 AM...we just ignored the calls & said, in stereo, "Oh no..."
We shut off our alarms...since we could get a little extra sleep (except when we got a 2nd simultaneous call from the schools around 4:47), but we would just surprise the kids of the their continued extended break. *sigh* Apparently some of the busses weren't exactly working well, and they couldn't send them out to pick up kids...so...

|||| |||| ||||  |

That extra marking for the extra day is what was nearly the breaking point

to bring in the men in the little white coats, mad laughing, and soft crying while needing
a straight jacket & padded cell (or at least a corner with bubble wrap)

On day #16 proved to be a near breaking point. First began hearing the sounds of a loud zipper down the hallway. After a couple of minutes, Lil Guy sauntered into the living room while dragging his backpack with him. It was about 8:30 (I was up & enjoying my coffee, thank you very much). He asked me why I didn't get him up. I explained there was no reason to. He looked confused & then lit up as he realized school had been called off...yet...again...

Around 9:15, I figured I should wake up Teen Boy...otherwise he gets really grumpy if he doesn't get his day started by 10:00. So, I woke him up letting him know the time. He semi-sat up, looked confused, paused...and then started laughing! I think he realized why I woke him up with daylight shining into his room.

Teen Girl could care less. She said she woke up around 6:30 & thought she was sleepy-hilucianting. But she figured out around 7:30, and I no one had checked on her...she figured out there was no school. But she still had to get around for play practice anyway. (Yea! She's in another play!)

However...as the day went on...

...kids were fighting, children complaining they are bored AS they are messing with their iPads/laptops, knowing you can only play certain games a certain amount of times before wanting to throw the games out the window, nearly eating us out of the house while complaining they are hungry, and we all could only deal with each other so much....NEEDED A BREAK!!!!!!!!

Luckily, the boys headed out for a little time in the snow, but we watched the weather carefully, all day, to make sure we were still on track for tolerable weather in our area to get these kids back.

Finally! We got the kids to bed, we got to bed, and I was thrilled to have my alarm go off at 5:30 AM. This meant we were on track to get a school-day routine going! WOO HOO!!

Remember the part in the song "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas" where the lyrics go:

And moms & dads can't wait

for school to start again.

ah-HA, HA-HA, HA-HA, HA-HA, HA-HA!

Found at AnneTaintor.com
(click the pick to follow the link to the page)

I was ready to get my own days back. Errand s & things on my time...
And then we got word about a short-but-sweet graduation we might want to attend (that was on, then off, then on, then off...and apparently on again). OK, that's in the morning & have the day to do what else I need to do! I did get an errand done...and then I realized...

...it's the high school's short day! They get out an hour early on Wednesdays!!!

*cries*

I was so close to getting the groove back in my "routine". But it may have to wait...
At least I have a new workout routine to be doing to help out. (read about it HERE)

(this choice was rocking back in forth in my padded corner while in fetal position)

And as for the others who have been terribly affected by the Polar Vortex...I have no words. I would send straight jackets in bubble wrap with the men in the little white coats for you...but I think they would all freeze on the way to you.

Stay safe & warm, my friends...and may we all get our groove back...soon...

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica

~~~~~

P.S.  This post took me pretty much all day to write. Why? Timing of listed above, plus Lil Guy came home and automatically started on wanting to do a scavenger hunt & play Go Fish...

AM~Erica Will be Watching the NFL Draft: the DVR'd Special

So anyway...

Today.

Today is a big day.

Today is a big day for KC.

Today is the 1st round of the annual NFL Draft.

Today...Kansas City Chiefs have the #1 pick overall in that draft. FINALLY!

And, as my entire day has been turning upside-down & inside-out...it's taken me hours to get to this part in this post. And we are just under an hour until the draft begins...


Now then...today isn't going down as hoped...

It's about being a parent. Being a parent can throw some wrinkles into timing of things. Sometimes it thwarts our original plans all together. You know...kind of like MISSING COMIC-CON to be a parental unit instead.

Well...I am missing (again) meeting my kicker. That's right... Ryan Succop is the player I root for. Ever since the 2009 draft.

A. He was crowned that year's draft's "Mr. Irrelevant" (aka - the last player chosen); went to KC

2. He's a kicker

III. His last name is pronounced "suck-up"


Everything was against this poor guy. So I took it upon myself to be his fan. Someone needed to be rooting for him...and I decided it would be me. And this is while we were living in St. Louis. He may have been crowned "Mr. Irrelevant", but I crowned him as my very own Chiefs' player.

Well...he was making a couple of quick appearances at a couple of draft parties in town. Because of being a mommy on kiddo time...going to either of these was now out of play (sorry for the pun)

I barely missed him when we checked out Chiefs' training camp last year. I was so close to get my pic with him...in my very own Succop jersey...but it was the one day in the entire drought-like conditions that sent a storm a-brewin'...and the quick evacuation of the players before I could get to him. *sigh* figures.

Hard to see...but it's my #6 Succop jersey

Then...who schedules things around here during a BIG drafting moment? Oh...how about Lil Guy's very last football make up practice (irony?) & a meeting hubby had to be at. Go figure.

Yes...DURING the draft. What is wrong with this pic??? So much...that's what.

However...we are in an age where we can record, via DVR, and watch the event later. But I'm super bummed that we couldn't get to a party, or just watch live...or take in big festivities. Cuz it's an exciting time in KC right now, yo.

This week has had me in many different places:

1. A fine-dining/antioxidant-fortified Jesus water outing at OUR LOVE LOCK SPOT with great company

II. A poetry & music filled concert at the Kauffman Center, called Verses & Voices

C. Took in a night of the Young Playwright Festival at the Coterie Theater at Crown Center - in which Teen Girl is PART OF THE ROUND TABLE

#. I will be helping with costumes for Teen Girl's play next week

As you can see: I am having a very cultured week. I think my pinky finger may be permanently raised with so much culture taken in. I really NEEDED this sporting event!

Don't get me wrong...I love the cultured stuffs! LOVE IT!!! But there's gotta be some balance for me...

If you weren't aware, or might have forgotten, I REALLY LOVE FOOTBALL. Especially my Chiefs. It's totally my hubby's fault, too.

But we will have to enjoy this as a delayed special. And not until my hubby is home from his meeting.

And now as I start this part of the post, the draft has been going for 30 minutes. And we must wait...
TICK-TICK!

But it didn't stop me from dressing the part.

I will always show my support!

Even the Royals (who are doing very well so far) even pulled off an unbeliveable extra inning win in celebration of the great things in Kansas City! Amm-i-rite?

2013 is a good year for sports in KC. We can feel it!!

GO CHIEFS!!

So it looks like we will get to start watching the NFL Draft: DVR Special in about 1 hour delay. You know...for censorship...and stuffs. Amm-i-rite? *shrugs*

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica

**** Oh...and because of kiddos getting cleaned up for the evening...it may be on an hour-&-a-half delay. Go figure in the Parenthood...*sigh* Tick-Tick...

***** OK...maybe only 1 hour & 15 minutes. Whatever...still behind. But gonna watch...GONNA WATCH!!!

AM~Erica Seems Stuck on Shell Mountain

So anyway...

This is going to be another one of those posts where I'm just venting my feelings. Not one I will openly share on social media, but if you have come across this post...be warned.

In the last POST LIKE THIS ONE, I really had my heart torn out of my chest. Or it felt that way. I am back in that place. It sucks.

Part of it is hormonal right now...and lots of migraines. Weather changes & stress are all mixed in that ugly, poisonous cocktail. And I get grumpy. I say things I shouldn't. But this time around really got me down.

In the last few days, the same words keep ringing in my ears & resonating throughout my head:

"...not that it matters...but..."

And it's weird cuz I can totally hear it in the voice, too. The voice of Shell Mountain: Morla, the Ancient One. Remember her? The incredibly large, fantastical tortise from "Never Ending Story"?

Yeah...her. And that's what I feel like right now. A gloomy, grumpy turtle with answers that probably no one will listen to. The one mistaken for a landmark until it's too late. The one who dwells in the Swamp of Sadness. Yeah...describes me right now. And about the same level of care.

And I feel myself sinking into the swamps. Not that it matters...

*sigh*

You remember the sad moment when Atreyu is trying to get Artax out of the sadness after that? Remember when the swamp consumes him anyway? Yeah...that. But I'm still trucking on like Atreyu...in the sadness as I trudge along in the mud of the emotion...with the sad synthesizer music in the background...

*sigh*

Yeah...that...

And I hope to shake the feeling of this swamp soon. Before I'm consumed by more than just the swamp...but consumed by the Nothing.

With the amount of disregard & disrespect I've gotten from most of the kids...and just kicked to the side...yeah...this is where I'm at. And it all hits at once.

So for now...I will deal with this emotion & what the migraines do to me...

...not that it matters...but...

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica

AM~Erica Has Come to an End of a Bittersweet Journey...Emphasis on "Sweet"

So anyway...

After about a 5 & half year path taken...the journey came to an end today.

Many of you know Lil Guy...just at different parts of his life. And if you don't really know...YOU CAN FIND OUT SOME BACKGROUND HERE. (be entertained & see how my blogging has evolved)

After watching "The Avengers", Lil Guy asked which Avenger he would be. Hands down...Captain America (aka - Steve Rogers). I'll explain why later...

However, there is something we fought for a very long time with him. His speech. This has been quite a battle we have been trying to get thru as he has fought so hard...

For a long time, we figured he wouldn't try to talk because he had older siblings who would totally talk for him. Makes sense, amm-i-rite? We would try to get him to speak...but when he was about a year & a half to about 2, he was only saying 3 things:

1. "No"
2. "Yah" (his version of "yes")
3. "Hah" (his way of saying "hot")

He loved rice at the time...so we'd try to convince him to say "rice"...he would respond back with word #1, above.

Lil Guy is so young here. During a time he would refuse to talk much if at all.
So cute...and so frustrating, too.

As he did eventually try to start talking...it wasn't all coming out quite right. We got in a very frustrating situation. Either we couldn't understand him...or he just wouldn't say anything at all.

Remember when I brought up in MY POST ABOUT GIVING ADVICE about Lil Guy being a leash kid? Some of you remember him as "The Leash Kid" with his little monkey backpack on. He got his brother's sense of exploration & his sister's sense of wandering...and all of this without talking to us about it. It was frightening during many, MANY occasions! My heart is racing right now thinking about those days...

He was frustrated because we couldn't communicate with him. We got him into preschools (well, where I worked), and the teachers had the same frustrations...and he would sneak out of their classrooms. We are blessed that I worked in those places...that was the only saving grace from him not being expelled...I'm sure of it!

Finally, we got him looked at...and after several ear infections, we thought there might be an issue. There was...
Poor Lil Guy had steady fluid in his ears. It just wouldn't move & was muffling anything he was hearing...which meant that was the reason we had such an issue understanding him trying to speak. He wasn't hearing anything right! So, we got him into an ENT & it was determined he needed tubes in his ears after a series of testing. We agreed! He was going to need speech therapy, too.

Well, right before time came for his tube insertion surgery...the doctor's office called & canceled. Not "postponed"...actually CANCELLED! We were shocked & demanded to know why. We were told there was a clause in our insurance that they weren't comfortable with...so the aborted the operation. Basically...they were more concerned about getting their money. Oh man...now I'm getting angry about it all over again...

*breathe in...breathe out*

Well...we never got to see another doctor & didn't get it rescheduled. This is while we were still in St. Louis.

However...thru a complicated turn of events...there was a speech pathologist who could work with him at his preschool. It took a lot of cutting thru red tape, a lot of signing our lives & souls away, meetings, talking to different teams from different districts...it was just short of getting NASA involved...but we were going to do what we could. He was 2 & a half...and the journey began...

It was going pretty well...and loved his pathologist! But we ran into a new situation...I got a new job...and that took me away from the preschool...and, sadly, this awesome pathologist. *sigh*

This led us to finding a new daycare & a new preschool. The new preschool was amazing! It was thru the public schools, so it was free...and he would get the focused & extra help he desperately needed! My only concern was whether or not this place was for real...
Once we figured out this was for real...we jumped on board!

Lil Guy made amazing strides! Here was this 3yo who we were finally beginning to really understand! Imagine my shock when I picked him up one day, and his little class had been discussing emotions. He sat in his car seat behind me & proclaimed as plain as the sun in the sky, "Mama, I am very frustrated with this!" I think I stomped on my brakes out of disbelief and nearly repeated him..."Did you just say that you are 'very frustrated with this'?" He responded with, "Ye-sssssss." (he was working VERY hard on finishing his words)

Eventually...after much hard work, one-on-one classroom time & more work with another pathologist (that we really did like), we got some news that I was torn about: they were going to have to give him up since he exceeded their levels in that class. It was so bittersweet since we really loved his teaching team & pathologist. After shedding a few tears...he moved onto another class. It was a bigger class & would ready him better for kindergarten since he had just turned 5 at that point.

He was still far from where he needed to be...but communication was at amazing levels! His ears cleared up on their own & he was working VERY hard on forming his words. When we would correct him, he wouldn't hesitate to try again until he got it right a couple of times. It's warming my heart thinking about it again...

Then...another change was happening...we moved again. We came back to the KC area & had to set up a new IEP (Individual Education Plan). This was not new to us any longer. We had to meet with teachers & teams a few times to set goals, see where he was at & see what goals have been met...that kind of thing. And not only was a new goal setting in order...he was also beginning kindergarten. Whew! That's my baby...my LAST one starting a whole new chapter in his little life...

I remember one of the meetings we were supposed to have to update the IEP if needed. His super sweet Kindergarten teacher was so angry in this meeting. Why? It's because we had to put down that he had a disability in order to keep receiving services. After seeing how far he'd worked & had come...and knew he had a slowed development in his speech because of his ears early on...this was not an issue for hubby & I. It was infuriating to his teacher...
She was upset because he was so smart & so social...she just didn't understand...
We informed her it was fine. And he continued to work so hard...

Lil Guy at his Kindergarten graduation: Teacher at the podium & shaking hands with the principal

Keep in mind...even while he wasn't talking right at age 2...he was still very social & a total ladies man! He could make a friend in the blink of an eye! It was wild to watch. He was even in a preschool classroom of 20: 5 of them were boys...and of the 15 girls, 14 of them were blondes. And most of them were in love with my son. HE COULDN'T EVEN TALK TO THEM RIGHT!!!

Last year, he was the most popular kid in his class...all the kids wanted to be in his group &/or try to sit by him. Going to speech didn't bother the other kids at all! It's a beautiful thing...

When this year rolled around, not only was he only having a couple of speech & language issues, he remains to be very popular (it's always been that way), he does super well in school...excelling at everything he does: reading, math, spelling...he just hates writing. But he keeps pushing himself, too.

He's one of the top readers in his class, he's on the student council, and he excels at sports...and is quite the leader. See? Very Captain America! And he is always willing to help out!

Tall for his age, good looking, leader, athletic, big heart...yep...totally Captain America!

His teachers always brag on him...so does the principal. He is very helpful to others, too. Lil Guy does have a big heart. And I truly believe it's because he can hang with the most popular of kids as well as the outcast ones...like many who go to speech.

I do believe this journey has molded more in him than just his speech & language.

He got to be a voice of a puppet for the children's Christmas play at church and have a line to say during VBS (Vacation Bible School) Sunday. These moments choke me up...this is something that I didn't know if he'd ever be able to do...

We've already had some of the IEP meetings this year. He's always done well & the speech pathologist loves him! So does his teacher. And still the principal.

Today...
*ahem*
Today...was a strange & bittersweet meeting...
After discussing that he's met his goals...and after some thorough testing, we were told his journey is complete. He is officially released from speech therapy services. Done. Over.

A long fought battle...and an hard journey has reached its destination.

I'm so proud of Lil Guy! What is has done is beyond amazing! But it's so weird to know we won't have anymore IEP meetings. Done. Over.

What a journey! What a wonderful young man & leader is will become. They've already figured he'll do great things. And that's not the parents talkin'...

And he is the coolest, funniest, goofiest, smartest, most athletic kids I've ever known. *Proud Mama*

Plus...I want to thank all of you who have been behind us thru this whole thing. It's had mostly ups & he's worked so hard! If only many of you could hear him now...I might have to work on that so you can listen to how far he's come & what he's worked so hard toward...

I'm a bit choked up thinking about it.

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica

Why AM~Erica's Heart Aches & Breaks

So anyway...

This is going to be one of THOSE kinds of posts, y'all. You know the ones, the "I NEED ON MY SOAPBOX OR I'LL EXPLODE" types.

So you can stop reading here if you'd like. Otherwise, if you keep reading, just be warned that it ain't gonna be pretty.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Are you still here & reading? Then brace yourselves. If you don't like what you read, it's your own fault for continuing...

This is one of those moments that I CAN FEEL THE COLD METAL ON MY RIGHT TEMPLE. If I don't say that right now, I might actually try to find a way. I hate being that dark about it, but if I talk it out, maybe it will help me talk myself out of it.

I'm not one who likes to blame others for my life or things in it. And I hate when I get in those modes when I do. It's hard when I know there's blame to be given & it is planted like a seed in my mind & there becomes rapid growth with it when I'd hoped it was dormant or dead. It's not. It rarely is...it just creeps up sometimes.

When I am one who does try hard to remain positive about things, the combo of coming off or into a migraine mixed with demons from my past are a nasty cocktail. It's a poison. And yet I face that dose from time-to-time.

If I truly had a manifesto of sorts, there are people in or a part of my life who would be heartbroken & might even disown me. So, I will not put out there a full manifesto, but I will touch on the demons I face. It seems to be one of those days. The poison cocktail has had a reaction & is boiling over. This is my need to clean it up before it literally kills me.

I know I'm not the only one who struggles as a parent. Especially one with teens. But it is difficult to deal with them when they don't view me as fully their parent. It goes back to some things in the past, things that were apologized for, but years too late to do much or anything about it. It's so hard when it comes to such a level of disrespect out of totally disregard to anything a particular parent tells them.

Now then...my situation comes from being thrown under the bus from all directions. I am & have been in a no-win situation for my entire parenting life. And I didn't realize how bad it was until SOME THINGS HAPPENED a few years ago. My eyes were slowly opened to the fact that absolutely no one had faith in me in my role. But it was under all different circumstances. Not just one or 2 people viewing an odd quirk of mine...it was literally a mishmash of different things, depending on the culprit who was choosing to shove me under the bus at any given moment.

Whether someone felt the could undermine me by thinking their parenting would be better, or if I came into a situation at a wrong time, or if I was literally viewed as nothing, or to the point that everything is always my fault (I wish I was exaggerating that)... There have been folks that have been in my shoes that somehow forgot where they were at during that point & threw me under the bus anyway. I have been conspired against many, many times.

A lot of this happened during the times in my older children's lives when they were very susceptible to their relationship building & personality formation. I didn't realize I was being forced out of that part...it was happening without my knowledge. By the time I figured it out, that part of them had already been formed & solidified. So, I was forced out of more parenting situations.

My heart breaks in this moment when my children are more drawn to horribly destructive people. Negative people. People who are OK to conspire against their parents & be vocal about it. I cannot count how many times I have been discounted in my parenting due to the back door that many others have taken.

So, the chaos continues. And, my children stand up for the negative people who have helped form these off-putting relationships.

I do not condone playing favorites at all. When I taught dance, worked at preschools, or helped with Vacation Bible School type deals I made sure to spread my love & attention, even if my own kids were in my presence. I would also make it clear to them as to why, but would show my love to my kiddos after & before. However, I have noticed that I have a much stronger bond with Lil Guy. I began to understand why. He's the only one that did not spend the extra time with any of these negative people. I got to be a parent to him. Especially in those most important years of forming the relationship. I didn't have anyone to tell him I was wrong or to undermine me.

When my older kids were young, I had to work. I had to work in order to keep our family afloat. So I had to have help watching them. I have the largest difficulty with them when I try to parent. Even as I stay home now. I stayed home thru most of my youngest's impressionable years...or at least got to be around him. I see my older two forming personalities that I worry will hurt them as they grow older. It may have to do with the fact that they were told that, at least their mother, was not fit in making decisions with &/or for them. Not in those terms, but in actions & other words.

I see such instability in those impressionable outlets my older 2 had. But I've only become aware of them in the last VERY few years. I started seeing why they might have such a negativity toward anything I might bring up or tell them.

Then I have Lil Guy who is willing to come to me for things & wants me around. If I talk to him about something, he listens (mostly). His downfall is when he sees how the older ones act. He tries to pick up on those negative actions, but then apologizes because he feels bad about it.

I'm not going to necessarily advertise & share this particular post. I hope you understand.

It is my hope that, if you find this post & read it all the way thru, you will not have a lesser view of me. My past haunts me. Even before my life as a parent...there are things I dealt with that bleed into this chaotic mess. I was traumatized by others...and most of them had to do with these same negative people. I just try so hard to keep it buried, or to rise above the ugliness that I had to deal with...and still do.

Most of the time, I can keep it in check. Today is not one of those days. Today, because of circumstances & seeds planted by the negativity in these people, it has caused a riff in one of the relationships with one of my children. It hurts so badly watching the destructive nature consume someone so much. I want to parent them to be better suited for society without compromising who they are...but it doesn't matter what I say. And they may be living with us until they are 40...or until we pass away.

The misfortune of instability forced upon any family is near sinful. If the parents are not doing their job, that's different...but if you are ever in a situation of helping out family or friends with their little ones...help build & support the parent/child relationship. It is never OK to tear it down to lift yourself up. I've seen it. And our household suffers from such things.

Daily we struggle with what they were taught to believe. And it continues. I see it all of the time.

I even wrote these poems out of the frustration I have felt about this mother/child relationships in the past few years. Here's a few of them to get an idea of what goes thru my head & where I'm coming from:

*****

* I'M YOUR MOTHER *

I'm invisible
I'm useless
I'm your mother

I'm ignored
I'm clueless
I'm your mother

I'm contradicted
I'm condescended
I'm your mother

I'm enemy
I'm vilified
I'm your mother

I'm sick
I'm tired
I'm your mother

*****

* Untitled *

I am alone
and no one cares
Thrown under the bus
Thrown down the stairs

Go out of your way
to prove I'm wrong
do all you can
to not get along

It's so obvious
to not acknowledge my rights
by a major ignore
or the war it ignites

pushed into a pit
with spider and snake
to rattle my fear
and spirit doth shake

On this warm night
the Winter I feel
in this body of life
you've made me the heel

Dramatics, Theatrics,
big show & more
a ridiculous show
getting applause with a roar

Flowers & ovations
you think that's a hit?
But I'm forced out of tune
and trapped in the pit!

If you keep rooting on
that behavior's kind,
then I will disappear
to a place you won't find

So it's my final bow
I bid you adieu
It's my last curtain call
So now take your cue...

*****

* But Not For Me *

The phone rings,
* but not for me *
a message is left
* but not for me *
and the love is shown.
*but not for me *

A new member is chosen:
* but not for me *
a deafening decision
* but not for me *
to co-exist.
* but not for me *

Back home again,
* but not for me *
time alone
* but not for me *
to just relax!
* but not for me *

Bloodlines shed & flee;

completely railroaded;

time's cut short

It's all out of love!
* but not for me *

*****

* BLACK *

Black is the sky
Black is the night

Black is my mood
Black are my thoughts
Black are my dreams

Black is the aura that surrounds me

Black is the emptiness
inside the pit

Black is the pit
of my stomache
of my heart

Black is under my nails

trying to claw out of it

Black is the ice

that fools me & won't let me out

Black is the shadow

I cannot escape from

Blackballed

Blacklisted

(but not in the Black)

Black is the cloud
pillow under my head

and canope hanging over me
Black is the thick, heavy quilt
covering me

and the single tear shed
is Silver

*****

* No Mother's Day *

Don't celebrate Mother's Day
I can't stand to see it come:
Don't want it,
Don't deserve it;
Thoughts of the pedestal makes me numb.

The higher you (p)Raise your mother,
The more you inflate her head,
up & up
with flowers & cards -
That sweet tear you watch her shed...

But the tears become more painful,
for as the pedestal you tip...
She falls...
She plunges further...
Can't you hear her heartstrings rip?

Don't celebrate Mother's Day
with sentiments, gifts & such.
Don't want it,
Don't deserve it;
It hurts way too much.

*****

*sigh* I shall rise above these feelings. I have in the past...but it doesn't make the situation go away. But I am hoping, for the sake of all around me (in my own household & with the negative people who are still in our lives) that I don't feel the cold metal against my head...or make up for it. This is my DEPRESSION SETTING IN AGAIN...

This post has had to be a cooling down for me. A calming down. So if you see me, you will know that this post has helped me. If you do not hear from me or see me again, let this post be the doorway into what I've been led to. As of now, I see a future. That's the positive in me that I hope will be instilled within this household...even if it kills me.

Today, life sucks...the death thing remains to be seen...

Now it 's my attempt to pick myself back up, yet again, and try to move beyond this. Because here's where I take the blame: I didn't see all the widespread backstabbing happen much sooner. I could have prevented much of this ugliness & could have a more stable household. Until then, we will do what we can. And I will promote healthier households for any parent/child relationship who may ask me to help out. The suffering stops here.

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica

AM~Erica Says Farewell to Little Timmy

So anyway...

It's been about a year & a half since Lil Guy has had any sort of dental removal. He was in kindergarten when he lost his 1st 2 teeth about a month apart from each other. So, we just figured we were off & running with the whole "Hey, My Kid Looks Toothless" thing.

After those 1st 2 teeth...we checked around his mouth often. We we couldn't figure out why there was no more extra movement going on with the pearly whites of his pie hole. What was going on?

When WE ALL WENT TO SEE THE DENTIST, we were shown Lil Guy's X-rays...ALL of his roots were still running deep. Apparently it would still take a while before much would happen. Great...that means he'll be 14yo & still yanking out baby teeth, then! Amm-i-rite? Geez!

Now...remember I said he lost those 1st 2 teeth in kindergarten? He went thru the entire 1st grade without a single tooth budging. How annoying! All these other kiddos losing teeth...but not Lil Guy... *sigh*

Here he is, into the 2nd grade...and late in the fall, we starting noticing the slightest bit of movement in his 2 front teeth! Woo Hoo!! We figured that he'd be singing a certain Christmas song come holiday time...

"All I wan' for Chrithmath ith my two fron' teeth, my two fron' teeth, my two fron' teeth. All I wan' for Chrithmath ith my two fron' teeth, tho I can with you Merry Chrithmath!"

But...Christmas time has come & gone, and so has a new year. Guess what we are still working on! Yep...those pesky front teeth! Even the teeth on either side of them are wiggly, but we just knew those front ones would be coming out soon!

Here lately, one of those teeth has been much, MUCH more wiggly. As I spoke to Lil Guy about it, and because he's my son, and our brains tend to work differently than most, we had a discussion about these teeth. It went something like this:


ME:  So, let me check those teeth. *messes with teeth trying not to be bitten* Whoa! Little Timmy is still hanging on for dear life! When is he going skydiving?

LG:  Little Timmy? Who's 'Little Timmy'?

ME:  Your tooth, silly! The one hanging on for dear life!

LG:  Oh!!

ME:  So...when is Little Timmy going skydiving? Is he waiting for Little Tommy, you know...your other tooth...to push him out?

LG:  No...Little Timmy isn't going anywhere just yet. And Little Tommy isn't pushing him out yet.

ME:  Oh, OK. If you're sure...

LG:  So, what's my tooth's name?

ME:  Well, I don't know. What is it?

LG:  Hmmm...I think it's Little...hmmm...TERMINATOR!

ME:  Really? You're gonna call it 'Little Terminator'?

LG:  *grinning* Yep!

ME:  That's impossible! When he jumps, he 'won't be bahhk'. *face palm* (yep...think Arnold-like)

LG:  *laughs*

ME:  So, does Little Timmy need help skydiving? Looks like he's just bungee jumping right now...

LG:  NO! *face palm*


Now then...we've been trying to coax Little Timmy into going skydiving. I just knew Little Tommy wanted his own space & just figured he'd be pushing Little Timmy out at any time!

We even offered to throw a couple of punches at Little Timmy to try to help out. For some reason, Lil Guy wasn't too excited about that thought. Whatever!

Yesterday, during the very final couple of seconds of Lil Guy's basketball game, he ended tangled with another kid & went down to the floor as the other kid tripped over Lil Guy's face! YIKES! Apparently there was quite a bit of blood coming from where Little Timmy has been residing. So, we figured that the eviction of Little Timmy was immanent! But...no. Little Timmy just didn't want to leave.

Last night, Lil Guy was really working on Little Timmy. I really figured Little Timmy would've taken the leap last night. It was making me crazy seeing Little Timmy pointing at me. I'm pretty sure I saw Little Tommy roll his enamel at the whole situation. But Lil Guy decided to give Little Tommy a break for the night. Grrrrr...! As SOON as I got in bed, Lil Guy called me into his room. I was prepared for Lil Guy to be hoisting Little Timmy...but...no. Instead I was beckoned just to be told that Little Timmy was just hanging by a thread...he felt his tooth pop out of place. We were getting vewwy, vewwy close.

I got Lil Guy up this morning for church & saw that Little Timmy was still in place. I guess Little Tommy was still asleep or something...
But I did tell Lil Guy that I just KNEW that Little Tommy's skydiving would be inevitable today! Within about 10 minutes...Lil Guy called for me...and...

That's right! Little Timmy took the plunge! Or Little Tommy couldn't deal with it anymore...not sure which...

But now Lil Guy's looks have already changed drastically. *sigh* And soon enough, Little Tommy will jump, too. That will really change up Lil Guy's looks. I'm guessing he'll start looking older with the big teeth coming in. *cries a little*

Yes, I've been thru this before. Keep in mind that it's been a long time. OK? And...this is my baby! Remember?

Alright...guess we need to prepare for Little Timmy's ascension trip with the Tooth Fairy. He has taken his final leap into Tooth Heaven...

Good Bye, Little Timmy! Good Bye!

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica

AM~Erica Delivers a Near Parenting Win

So anyway...

As a parent, you have to figure out a different way to get a point thru to your kids...I have done several in the past, but I wanted to share my newest one that I was prepared to use. I didn't get to use it, but a particular child of mine now knows what I can be capable of.

Teen Girl (I bet you knew I'd be talking about this kiddo) had a part in her high school play this weekend. Somehow, at some point along the way before Teen Girl ever got to this school, there has been an interesting tradition of a cast party following every show. I mean, seriously? They pick a different restaurant after every show. I don't know why...but it's what happens.

The show that was picked this time was "The King and I." If you are familiar with this story and show, you know it's a 3 hour event. If the evening shows don't begin until 7:00 or after, that puts the show being over around 10:00 or after. Then, costumes must come off & getting ready to go. So the kids don't even really head away from the school until 10:30 (since they greet the masses afterward). Many places close around 11:00 around here. So, they were having difficulty finding suitable places. (should've been a hint to cut off the "tradition", but whatever)

Well, I ended up being one of the drivers for Teen Girl & a friend...so imagine my shock when yet another hopped in, too. Not a bad thing, just didn't expect it. But off we went. And, come to find out, Teen Girl needed me to pick her back up by midnight. UGH!!!

So, I came home, did a couple of chores & then had a brilliant parenting idea...

I'd already texted her that I planned to get HER & that I wasn't going to be driving around all over the place after midnight. We had church in the morning, too...so the quicker to bed, the better! Since I didn't hear anything back, I wasn't sure what she might pull. So, I pulled out the big guns...

I put on my pajamas, slippers & a bright red robe to go get her. This served several purposes:

1. I was already for bed, so all I had to do was come home & make sure all was closed up so I could get some shut eye.

B. It would be delightfully embarrassing for her if she promised a friend or 2 a ride home & mom is doing it in her PJ's. Oh yes indeed.

III. If she was not out there by midnight and she wouldn't answer her phone or text from me...I would epically embarrass her by strolling into the restaurant dressed for bed. Oh yes. Oh yes.

Quatro. I'd be comfy.

Well, when I pulled up, she was standing outside waiting for me...with a friend. Then only she got into the car. Only a slight let down. I mean, she did what she was supposed to, but I didn't get to use my awesome parenting superpower of embarrassment. *sigh*

She got it & looked at me. Then she said, "Well, you look cute." I don't think she realized what was up my sleeve. Then I turned all super villain & told her my plan (much like Heinz Doofenshmirtz would to Perry the Platypus [aka - Agent P] describing the Emarrassment-o-nator).

Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz describing to trapped Agent P about his grand plan to take over the
Tri-State Area with some invention.

She looked at me with a delightfully horrified look...and said, "No! Just no. You look 'stay-in-the-car' cute." *snort*

However, I did let her know that I am not afraid to pull that card again. I just told her I was prepared with warfare. She might think the next time she pulls a surprise of extra people or not being ready when I need to get her. She might not know what to expect...

Dr. Evil & Mr. Bigglesworth
~awesome super villain~

Bwah-hahahahahahahaha...BWAH-hahahahahahahahaha
BWAH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
A-HA...Ha-Ha...ha...
*ahem*

Feel free to tap into your super-villain parenting super powers. It's kind of fun. The look you'll get...is...PRICELESS...

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica