A Christmas Poem From AM~Erica

So anyway...

I penned this in 2006 to be a children's nativity play. I thought it would be fairly easy to track down a version of "'Twas the Night Before Christmas" with a spin of the telling of the Nativity Story to be adapted into a narrative children's Nativity play. To my shock...there wasn't. So, with a copy of the original poem, a plate of pumpkin pancakes & some coffee at IHOP, and opening myself up to His Word & guidance...I just wanted to be a vessel in His storytelling. And this is what happened. And we did a play that year.

And I wanted it to have the same kind of feel of being gathered around the selected family member to read the story of the night before Christmas by the fire, everyone in their jammies getting ready for bed in anticipation for the following morning...

So, I have made it an annual thing to share it with anyone who is willing to read it.

As your Christmas season winds down, don't forget what was actually going on that night. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

(a few revisions to wording from it's original debut...still the same story)

I bring to you now, "'Twas the Night That was Christmas":

~~~~~~~~~~

'TWAS THE NIGHT THAT WAS CHRISTMAS

‘Twas the night that was Christmas, when all through the stable,

not a creature was stirring beneath the barn’s gable.

The signage was hung outside the inn with care

with the statement of “No Vacancy” there.

Poor Joseph, with Mary about to give birth,

traveled to Bethlehem to pay up their worth.

Only a stable stall left to shelter Mary from danger

so she could bear a son and place Him in a manger.

***

The shepherds were resting upon the hillside

of Bethlehem’s outskirts, where their sheep do reside;

after making sure no wolf was around,

they took a nap right there on the ground.

When all through the skies, there arose such a clatter!

The shepherds sprang up to see what was the matter;

they each picked up their staff and their sash

to see that an angel appeared in a flash!

“Please, don’t hurt us,” they shouted and prayed;

the angel of God said, “Do not be afraid:

I bring you glad tidings with good news to tell!

The Savior is here in a manger knell.”

Then heavenly hosts joined in from above

to help deliver this message of love:

“Glory to God in the highest, and peace on the Earth

to all whom His favor rests,” was sung of the birth.

“Now run, see the babe in swaddling clothes –

you will find Him in the stable where the large starlight shows.

We give you our word, and on angels’ wing

your flocks will be safe as you bow to the King!”

***

Now there were magi from the Orient, afar,

who studied the skies and found a new star.

They told this king, Herod, by name,

and he sent them to follow after making this claim:

“If this leads you to the ‘King of the Jews,’

please come tell Herod so he can praise the little King, too.”

But the magi knew (because they are wise)

that what Herod wanted was the baby’s demise.

So, off they set, with no plan to return,

bringing with them gifts: gold, frankincense and myrrh.

The journey was long to find Joseph and wife,

and the baby boy Savior, who would change every life.

That star shown brightly, much more than the moon;

a spotlight for the One delivering God’s people soon!

The stage is now set for those who come by

to listen to the mother sing a soft lullaby.

Now lay there, the babe in the manger stall,

being adored by those who received the great call.

So tiny, yet regal, in such a low place,

adorning a halo surrounding His face.

God chose to come to the Earth as a child –

(to be with, and like, the ones that He’d styled)

as a sweet baby boy in a place so lowly,

to arise so divine, and perfect, and holy.

The time has now come to worship and sing

that Jesus Christ is crowned Savior and King!

Now the Savior is here to save us from strife!

So…Merry Christmas to all, and to all, eternal life!

~~~~~~~~~~

Merry Christmas, everyone! May it be merry, bright, meaningful & thoughtful.

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica

AM~Erica Hears the Bells

So anyway...

I have thought process today. And the process surrounds the events of 12 years ago.

I'm not going to completely go back into where I was at during that fateful day, but you can read about it HERE. It's when I posted about it last year. But there's something about this day that rings a bell...

Maybe I shouldn't be, but I am a fan of the works of Edgar Allen Poe. I'm not the only one, but the ones that know & get his work has got to have something not quite right with them. It's one thing to appreciate the work & try to understand it...and then it's the understanding it &/or having it have some meaning to you is another...

A few months ago, I had the privilege to take in a one man show (well...2-man show counting the music) at the Coterie Theater. An incredible actor, Hughston Walkinshaw, played Edgar Allen Poe in the reciting & interpretation of a few of Poe's works while trying to give a view of what might have been happening inside EAP's head. It was amazing, bone-chilling, terrifying & mesmerizing. It was called "Tell Tale Electric Poe", and there was haunting electric guitar sounds as background & filler music, as well as used as sound effects. It was 50 minutes of psychotic weirdness with only the rhythms & rhymes of the words taming the chaos. (read about when Teen Girl & I saw it in March HERE)

Hughston Walkinshaw as Edgar Allan Poe

One of the pieces done was "The Bells". If you have never experienced the poem of "The Bells"...you should. This poem brilliantly shows the chaotic mindset of Poe. It really shows that he really was all over the place in his head. And he tells it thru the different forms of bells.

He focuses on happy jingly bells, mellow ringing of wedding bells...then moves into frightening alarum bells...and then the toll of funeral bells.

I got thinking that these bells that EAP wrote about are telling of different parts in his life. They tell time...like chimes on a clock or in a bell tower.

As I witnessed hearing tolling of bells today, it made me think about this poem.

Twelve years ago, today, there were frantic bells being rung!

Hear the loud alarum bells,
Brazen bells!
What a tale of terror, now, their turbulency tells!
In the startled ear of night
How they scream out their affright!
Too much horrified to speak,
They can only shriek, shriek,
Out of tune,
In a clamorous appealing to the mercy of the fire,
In a mad expostulation with the deaf and frantic fire,
Leaping higher, higher, higher,
With a desperate desire,
And a resolute endeavor
Now—now to sit or never,
By the side of the pale-faced moon.
Oh, the bells, bells, bells!
What a tale their terror tells
Of Despair!
How they clang, and clash, and roar!
What a horror they outpour
On the bosom of the palpitating air!
Yet the ear it fully knows,
By the twanging
And the clanging,
How the danger ebbs and flows;
Yet the ear distinctly tells,
In the jangling
And the wrangling,
How the danger sinks and swells,—
By the sinking or the swelling in the anger of the bells,
Of the bells,
Of the bells, bells, bells, bells,
Bells, bells, bells—
In the clamor and the clangor of the bells!

I can only imagine the fire alarms, the emergency sounds, the bells at fire stations, the dispatching sounds, and the sirens coming thru on radios all thru New York. It breaks my heart & leaves me near claustrophobically breathless. The fright in the eyes of dust-covered people of all walks of life running or frozen in shock. The horror of the clanging & twanging of the bells that tell of danger is horrifying. Watching it on TV, keeping up on the computer, listening to the radio...the horror, the crying, the shock...it resonated so loudly over the country & the world.

Then, it hit me this morning during some coverage of live memorial events going on:

Hear the tolling of the bells,
Iron bells!
What a world of solemn thought their monody compels!
In the silence of the night
How we shiver with affright
At the melancholy menace of their tone!
For every sound that floats
From the rust within their throats
Is a groan.
And the people—ah, the people,
They that dwell up in the steeple,
All alone,
And who tolling, tolling, tolling,
In that muffled monotone,
Feel a glory in so rolling
On the human heart a stone—
They are neither man nor woman,
They are neither brute nor human,
They are Ghouls:
And their king it is who tolls;
And he rolls, rolls, rolls,
Rolls
A pæan from the bells;
And his merry bosom swells
With the pæan of the bells,
And he dances, and he yells:
Keeping time, time, time,
In a sort of Runic rhyme,
To the pæan of the bells,
Of the bells:
Keeping time, time, time,
In a sort of Runic rhyme,
To the throbbing of the bells,
Of the bells, bells, bells—
To the sobbing of the bells;
Keeping time, time, time,
As he knells, knells, knells,
In a happy Runic rhyme,
To the rolling of the bells,
Of the bells, bells, bells:
To the tolling of the bells,
Of the bells, bells, bells, bells,
Bells, bells, bells—
To the moaning and the groaning of the bells.

It was breaking my heart, as it should, to hear these slow, methodical bells. They are there for remembering particular times &/or people. They are often used during Memorial Day or All Saints Day in remembering those who have gone before us. And then, today, they strike a large iron-sounding brass bell at particular times of the morning:

*CLANG* 

at the exact time when the 1st of the Twin Towers was hit

*CLANG* 

at the exact time when the 2nd of the Twin Towers was hit

*CLANG* 

at the exact time when the Pentagon was hit

*CLANG* 

at the exact time the plane crashed in Pennsylvania

*CLANG* 

at the exact time of the collapse of the 1st Tower

*CLANG* 

at the exact time of the collapse of the 2nd Tower

Each and every one of these tolls is gut-wrenching.
Each and every one of these tolls breaks a thick, somber silence.

It's the telling of time in a clock that seemed to stop a long, long moment that didn't seem to have an end to it.

Each of those bells still chokes me up & gives me chills. As I know it does throughout an entire nation.

As we hear these bells at significant points of time in our lives, they wake up those memories...like an alarm clock that just goes off annually.

My hope for these tolling bells now is that it wakes us up as to how we felt toward each other right after the alarm bells went off initially. Because we could not be further from those times than we are now. Like a face ringing a bell, we need to think back to our patriotism that came after that. We've lost it. We need a wake-up call...but hopefully without the turbulence of sirens & emergency bells to do it. Because it happened on our own emergency number of 911 when it happened 12 years ago.

I have pointed it out before that on September 11, 2001, the terrorists changed the course of how we live. In that sense, they succeeded. And in the midst of it, we have turned against each other.

In this moment, a toll of a large, iron bell clangs in the memory of shared patriotism. The good news is that patriotism can be resurrected...if we allow it.

Are you doing your part to bring it back in togetherness...or crashing it in your own ideals?

Do you hear the bell?

Never, ever, ever forget, fellow Americans...ever.

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica (<<<=== still meant wholeheartedly)

Why AM~Erica's Heart Aches & Breaks

So anyway...

This is going to be one of THOSE kinds of posts, y'all. You know the ones, the "I NEED ON MY SOAPBOX OR I'LL EXPLODE" types.

So you can stop reading here if you'd like. Otherwise, if you keep reading, just be warned that it ain't gonna be pretty.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Are you still here & reading? Then brace yourselves. If you don't like what you read, it's your own fault for continuing...

This is one of those moments that I CAN FEEL THE COLD METAL ON MY RIGHT TEMPLE. If I don't say that right now, I might actually try to find a way. I hate being that dark about it, but if I talk it out, maybe it will help me talk myself out of it.

I'm not one who likes to blame others for my life or things in it. And I hate when I get in those modes when I do. It's hard when I know there's blame to be given & it is planted like a seed in my mind & there becomes rapid growth with it when I'd hoped it was dormant or dead. It's not. It rarely is...it just creeps up sometimes.

When I am one who does try hard to remain positive about things, the combo of coming off or into a migraine mixed with demons from my past are a nasty cocktail. It's a poison. And yet I face that dose from time-to-time.

If I truly had a manifesto of sorts, there are people in or a part of my life who would be heartbroken & might even disown me. So, I will not put out there a full manifesto, but I will touch on the demons I face. It seems to be one of those days. The poison cocktail has had a reaction & is boiling over. This is my need to clean it up before it literally kills me.

I know I'm not the only one who struggles as a parent. Especially one with teens. But it is difficult to deal with them when they don't view me as fully their parent. It goes back to some things in the past, things that were apologized for, but years too late to do much or anything about it. It's so hard when it comes to such a level of disrespect out of totally disregard to anything a particular parent tells them.

Now then...my situation comes from being thrown under the bus from all directions. I am & have been in a no-win situation for my entire parenting life. And I didn't realize how bad it was until SOME THINGS HAPPENED a few years ago. My eyes were slowly opened to the fact that absolutely no one had faith in me in my role. But it was under all different circumstances. Not just one or 2 people viewing an odd quirk of mine...it was literally a mishmash of different things, depending on the culprit who was choosing to shove me under the bus at any given moment.

Whether someone felt the could undermine me by thinking their parenting would be better, or if I came into a situation at a wrong time, or if I was literally viewed as nothing, or to the point that everything is always my fault (I wish I was exaggerating that)... There have been folks that have been in my shoes that somehow forgot where they were at during that point & threw me under the bus anyway. I have been conspired against many, many times.

A lot of this happened during the times in my older children's lives when they were very susceptible to their relationship building & personality formation. I didn't realize I was being forced out of that part...it was happening without my knowledge. By the time I figured it out, that part of them had already been formed & solidified. So, I was forced out of more parenting situations.

My heart breaks in this moment when my children are more drawn to horribly destructive people. Negative people. People who are OK to conspire against their parents & be vocal about it. I cannot count how many times I have been discounted in my parenting due to the back door that many others have taken.

So, the chaos continues. And, my children stand up for the negative people who have helped form these off-putting relationships.

I do not condone playing favorites at all. When I taught dance, worked at preschools, or helped with Vacation Bible School type deals I made sure to spread my love & attention, even if my own kids were in my presence. I would also make it clear to them as to why, but would show my love to my kiddos after & before. However, I have noticed that I have a much stronger bond with Lil Guy. I began to understand why. He's the only one that did not spend the extra time with any of these negative people. I got to be a parent to him. Especially in those most important years of forming the relationship. I didn't have anyone to tell him I was wrong or to undermine me.

When my older kids were young, I had to work. I had to work in order to keep our family afloat. So I had to have help watching them. I have the largest difficulty with them when I try to parent. Even as I stay home now. I stayed home thru most of my youngest's impressionable years...or at least got to be around him. I see my older two forming personalities that I worry will hurt them as they grow older. It may have to do with the fact that they were told that, at least their mother, was not fit in making decisions with &/or for them. Not in those terms, but in actions & other words.

I see such instability in those impressionable outlets my older 2 had. But I've only become aware of them in the last VERY few years. I started seeing why they might have such a negativity toward anything I might bring up or tell them.

Then I have Lil Guy who is willing to come to me for things & wants me around. If I talk to him about something, he listens (mostly). His downfall is when he sees how the older ones act. He tries to pick up on those negative actions, but then apologizes because he feels bad about it.

I'm not going to necessarily advertise & share this particular post. I hope you understand.

It is my hope that, if you find this post & read it all the way thru, you will not have a lesser view of me. My past haunts me. Even before my life as a parent...there are things I dealt with that bleed into this chaotic mess. I was traumatized by others...and most of them had to do with these same negative people. I just try so hard to keep it buried, or to rise above the ugliness that I had to deal with...and still do.

Most of the time, I can keep it in check. Today is not one of those days. Today, because of circumstances & seeds planted by the negativity in these people, it has caused a riff in one of the relationships with one of my children. It hurts so badly watching the destructive nature consume someone so much. I want to parent them to be better suited for society without compromising who they are...but it doesn't matter what I say. And they may be living with us until they are 40...or until we pass away.

The misfortune of instability forced upon any family is near sinful. If the parents are not doing their job, that's different...but if you are ever in a situation of helping out family or friends with their little ones...help build & support the parent/child relationship. It is never OK to tear it down to lift yourself up. I've seen it. And our household suffers from such things.

Daily we struggle with what they were taught to believe. And it continues. I see it all of the time.

I even wrote these poems out of the frustration I have felt about this mother/child relationships in the past few years. Here's a few of them to get an idea of what goes thru my head & where I'm coming from:

*****

* I'M YOUR MOTHER *

I'm invisible
I'm useless
I'm your mother

I'm ignored
I'm clueless
I'm your mother

I'm contradicted
I'm condescended
I'm your mother

I'm enemy
I'm vilified
I'm your mother

I'm sick
I'm tired
I'm your mother

*****

* Untitled *

I am alone
and no one cares
Thrown under the bus
Thrown down the stairs

Go out of your way
to prove I'm wrong
do all you can
to not get along

It's so obvious
to not acknowledge my rights
by a major ignore
or the war it ignites

pushed into a pit
with spider and snake
to rattle my fear
and spirit doth shake

On this warm night
the Winter I feel
in this body of life
you've made me the heel

Dramatics, Theatrics,
big show & more
a ridiculous show
getting applause with a roar

Flowers & ovations
you think that's a hit?
But I'm forced out of tune
and trapped in the pit!

If you keep rooting on
that behavior's kind,
then I will disappear
to a place you won't find

So it's my final bow
I bid you adieu
It's my last curtain call
So now take your cue...

*****

* But Not For Me *

The phone rings,
* but not for me *
a message is left
* but not for me *
and the love is shown.
*but not for me *

A new member is chosen:
* but not for me *
a deafening decision
* but not for me *
to co-exist.
* but not for me *

Back home again,
* but not for me *
time alone
* but not for me *
to just relax!
* but not for me *

Bloodlines shed & flee;

completely railroaded;

time's cut short

It's all out of love!
* but not for me *

*****

* BLACK *

Black is the sky
Black is the night

Black is my mood
Black are my thoughts
Black are my dreams

Black is the aura that surrounds me

Black is the emptiness
inside the pit

Black is the pit
of my stomache
of my heart

Black is under my nails

trying to claw out of it

Black is the ice

that fools me & won't let me out

Black is the shadow

I cannot escape from

Blackballed

Blacklisted

(but not in the Black)

Black is the cloud
pillow under my head

and canope hanging over me
Black is the thick, heavy quilt
covering me

and the single tear shed
is Silver

*****

* No Mother's Day *

Don't celebrate Mother's Day
I can't stand to see it come:
Don't want it,
Don't deserve it;
Thoughts of the pedestal makes me numb.

The higher you (p)Raise your mother,
The more you inflate her head,
up & up
with flowers & cards -
That sweet tear you watch her shed...

But the tears become more painful,
for as the pedestal you tip...
She falls...
She plunges further...
Can't you hear her heartstrings rip?

Don't celebrate Mother's Day
with sentiments, gifts & such.
Don't want it,
Don't deserve it;
It hurts way too much.

*****

*sigh* I shall rise above these feelings. I have in the past...but it doesn't make the situation go away. But I am hoping, for the sake of all around me (in my own household & with the negative people who are still in our lives) that I don't feel the cold metal against my head...or make up for it. This is my DEPRESSION SETTING IN AGAIN...

This post has had to be a cooling down for me. A calming down. So if you see me, you will know that this post has helped me. If you do not hear from me or see me again, let this post be the doorway into what I've been led to. As of now, I see a future. That's the positive in me that I hope will be instilled within this household...even if it kills me.

Today, life sucks...the death thing remains to be seen...

Now it 's my attempt to pick myself back up, yet again, and try to move beyond this. Because here's where I take the blame: I didn't see all the widespread backstabbing happen much sooner. I could have prevented much of this ugliness & could have a more stable household. Until then, we will do what we can. And I will promote healthier households for any parent/child relationship who may ask me to help out. The suffering stops here.

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica