Why AM~Erica's Heart Aches & Breaks

So anyway...

This is going to be one of THOSE kinds of posts, y'all. You know the ones, the "I NEED ON MY SOAPBOX OR I'LL EXPLODE" types.

So you can stop reading here if you'd like. Otherwise, if you keep reading, just be warned that it ain't gonna be pretty.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Are you still here & reading? Then brace yourselves. If you don't like what you read, it's your own fault for continuing...

This is one of those moments that I CAN FEEL THE COLD METAL ON MY RIGHT TEMPLE. If I don't say that right now, I might actually try to find a way. I hate being that dark about it, but if I talk it out, maybe it will help me talk myself out of it.

I'm not one who likes to blame others for my life or things in it. And I hate when I get in those modes when I do. It's hard when I know there's blame to be given & it is planted like a seed in my mind & there becomes rapid growth with it when I'd hoped it was dormant or dead. It's not. It rarely is...it just creeps up sometimes.

When I am one who does try hard to remain positive about things, the combo of coming off or into a migraine mixed with demons from my past are a nasty cocktail. It's a poison. And yet I face that dose from time-to-time.

If I truly had a manifesto of sorts, there are people in or a part of my life who would be heartbroken & might even disown me. So, I will not put out there a full manifesto, but I will touch on the demons I face. It seems to be one of those days. The poison cocktail has had a reaction & is boiling over. This is my need to clean it up before it literally kills me.

I know I'm not the only one who struggles as a parent. Especially one with teens. But it is difficult to deal with them when they don't view me as fully their parent. It goes back to some things in the past, things that were apologized for, but years too late to do much or anything about it. It's so hard when it comes to such a level of disrespect out of totally disregard to anything a particular parent tells them.

Now then...my situation comes from being thrown under the bus from all directions. I am & have been in a no-win situation for my entire parenting life. And I didn't realize how bad it was until SOME THINGS HAPPENED a few years ago. My eyes were slowly opened to the fact that absolutely no one had faith in me in my role. But it was under all different circumstances. Not just one or 2 people viewing an odd quirk of mine...it was literally a mishmash of different things, depending on the culprit who was choosing to shove me under the bus at any given moment.

Whether someone felt the could undermine me by thinking their parenting would be better, or if I came into a situation at a wrong time, or if I was literally viewed as nothing, or to the point that everything is always my fault (I wish I was exaggerating that)... There have been folks that have been in my shoes that somehow forgot where they were at during that point & threw me under the bus anyway. I have been conspired against many, many times.

A lot of this happened during the times in my older children's lives when they were very susceptible to their relationship building & personality formation. I didn't realize I was being forced out of that part...it was happening without my knowledge. By the time I figured it out, that part of them had already been formed & solidified. So, I was forced out of more parenting situations.

My heart breaks in this moment when my children are more drawn to horribly destructive people. Negative people. People who are OK to conspire against their parents & be vocal about it. I cannot count how many times I have been discounted in my parenting due to the back door that many others have taken.

So, the chaos continues. And, my children stand up for the negative people who have helped form these off-putting relationships.

I do not condone playing favorites at all. When I taught dance, worked at preschools, or helped with Vacation Bible School type deals I made sure to spread my love & attention, even if my own kids were in my presence. I would also make it clear to them as to why, but would show my love to my kiddos after & before. However, I have noticed that I have a much stronger bond with Lil Guy. I began to understand why. He's the only one that did not spend the extra time with any of these negative people. I got to be a parent to him. Especially in those most important years of forming the relationship. I didn't have anyone to tell him I was wrong or to undermine me.

When my older kids were young, I had to work. I had to work in order to keep our family afloat. So I had to have help watching them. I have the largest difficulty with them when I try to parent. Even as I stay home now. I stayed home thru most of my youngest's impressionable years...or at least got to be around him. I see my older two forming personalities that I worry will hurt them as they grow older. It may have to do with the fact that they were told that, at least their mother, was not fit in making decisions with &/or for them. Not in those terms, but in actions & other words.

I see such instability in those impressionable outlets my older 2 had. But I've only become aware of them in the last VERY few years. I started seeing why they might have such a negativity toward anything I might bring up or tell them.

Then I have Lil Guy who is willing to come to me for things & wants me around. If I talk to him about something, he listens (mostly). His downfall is when he sees how the older ones act. He tries to pick up on those negative actions, but then apologizes because he feels bad about it.

I'm not going to necessarily advertise & share this particular post. I hope you understand.

It is my hope that, if you find this post & read it all the way thru, you will not have a lesser view of me. My past haunts me. Even before my life as a parent...there are things I dealt with that bleed into this chaotic mess. I was traumatized by others...and most of them had to do with these same negative people. I just try so hard to keep it buried, or to rise above the ugliness that I had to deal with...and still do.

Most of the time, I can keep it in check. Today is not one of those days. Today, because of circumstances & seeds planted by the negativity in these people, it has caused a riff in one of the relationships with one of my children. It hurts so badly watching the destructive nature consume someone so much. I want to parent them to be better suited for society without compromising who they are...but it doesn't matter what I say. And they may be living with us until they are 40...or until we pass away.

The misfortune of instability forced upon any family is near sinful. If the parents are not doing their job, that's different...but if you are ever in a situation of helping out family or friends with their little ones...help build & support the parent/child relationship. It is never OK to tear it down to lift yourself up. I've seen it. And our household suffers from such things.

Daily we struggle with what they were taught to believe. And it continues. I see it all of the time.

I even wrote these poems out of the frustration I have felt about this mother/child relationships in the past few years. Here's a few of them to get an idea of what goes thru my head & where I'm coming from:

*****

* I'M YOUR MOTHER *

I'm invisible
I'm useless
I'm your mother

I'm ignored
I'm clueless
I'm your mother

I'm contradicted
I'm condescended
I'm your mother

I'm enemy
I'm vilified
I'm your mother

I'm sick
I'm tired
I'm your mother

*****

* Untitled *

I am alone
and no one cares
Thrown under the bus
Thrown down the stairs

Go out of your way
to prove I'm wrong
do all you can
to not get along

It's so obvious
to not acknowledge my rights
by a major ignore
or the war it ignites

pushed into a pit
with spider and snake
to rattle my fear
and spirit doth shake

On this warm night
the Winter I feel
in this body of life
you've made me the heel

Dramatics, Theatrics,
big show & more
a ridiculous show
getting applause with a roar

Flowers & ovations
you think that's a hit?
But I'm forced out of tune
and trapped in the pit!

If you keep rooting on
that behavior's kind,
then I will disappear
to a place you won't find

So it's my final bow
I bid you adieu
It's my last curtain call
So now take your cue...

*****

* But Not For Me *

The phone rings,
* but not for me *
a message is left
* but not for me *
and the love is shown.
*but not for me *

A new member is chosen:
* but not for me *
a deafening decision
* but not for me *
to co-exist.
* but not for me *

Back home again,
* but not for me *
time alone
* but not for me *
to just relax!
* but not for me *

Bloodlines shed & flee;

completely railroaded;

time's cut short

It's all out of love!
* but not for me *

*****

* BLACK *

Black is the sky
Black is the night

Black is my mood
Black are my thoughts
Black are my dreams

Black is the aura that surrounds me

Black is the emptiness
inside the pit

Black is the pit
of my stomache
of my heart

Black is under my nails

trying to claw out of it

Black is the ice

that fools me & won't let me out

Black is the shadow

I cannot escape from

Blackballed

Blacklisted

(but not in the Black)

Black is the cloud
pillow under my head

and canope hanging over me
Black is the thick, heavy quilt
covering me

and the single tear shed
is Silver

*****

* No Mother's Day *

Don't celebrate Mother's Day
I can't stand to see it come:
Don't want it,
Don't deserve it;
Thoughts of the pedestal makes me numb.

The higher you (p)Raise your mother,
The more you inflate her head,
up & up
with flowers & cards -
That sweet tear you watch her shed...

But the tears become more painful,
for as the pedestal you tip...
She falls...
She plunges further...
Can't you hear her heartstrings rip?

Don't celebrate Mother's Day
with sentiments, gifts & such.
Don't want it,
Don't deserve it;
It hurts way too much.

*****

*sigh* I shall rise above these feelings. I have in the past...but it doesn't make the situation go away. But I am hoping, for the sake of all around me (in my own household & with the negative people who are still in our lives) that I don't feel the cold metal against my head...or make up for it. This is my DEPRESSION SETTING IN AGAIN...

This post has had to be a cooling down for me. A calming down. So if you see me, you will know that this post has helped me. If you do not hear from me or see me again, let this post be the doorway into what I've been led to. As of now, I see a future. That's the positive in me that I hope will be instilled within this household...even if it kills me.

Today, life sucks...the death thing remains to be seen...

Now it 's my attempt to pick myself back up, yet again, and try to move beyond this. Because here's where I take the blame: I didn't see all the widespread backstabbing happen much sooner. I could have prevented much of this ugliness & could have a more stable household. Until then, we will do what we can. And I will promote healthier households for any parent/child relationship who may ask me to help out. The suffering stops here.

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica