Saturday, July 28, 2012

He was AM~Erica's Godson

So anyway...

It's July 28th. In the year 2012, it's National Dance Day (last Saturday in July). However, today proves to strike me much differently.

Today, Douglas would have been 18. I can't believe it's even been that long...but it has. And it is crazy to me that it still hurts so much that he's not even here.

You see, 18 years ago, my childhood best friend, Nikki (I've brought her up before) was pregnant with a boy. His name was to be Douglas...and I was to be his godmother. You see, 18 years ago, yesterday, I was with Nikki helping her put the finishing touches on the nursery. The last thing put into place was the teddy bear mobile on his crib that I had gotten just for his arrival. I remember reveling in our hard work & knowing that this little guy was going to be coming any day. Even thought Nikki had been quite ill throughout the pregnancy, she was holding up very well & was ready for all of us to see little Dougie.

The next day, which was 18 years ago today, I got a call at the wee hours of the morning from Dougie's dad, in tears, that we had lost Dougie. He was stillborn after some complications that night before...after I'd left.

No words, even today, can express how awful of a moment that was. I couldn't focus on work the next day as word had already gotten out by another family friend I'd worked with. I didn't get to make it to the hospital, but I was around for some of the funeral planning of the nearly 10 pound baby that didn't get to see his future.

I do know that boy still visits me from time-to-time. I'm not going to say how here...that is a private moment of my godson coming by for a quick hello. And I always make sure to let Nikki know that he stopped by.

Today, my friend posted this on her Facebook wall:

Just a note to my son: 
I can't believe you'd be 18 today. Wow... You'd be a high school graduate and you'd be able to vote in the upcoming election. Wow... I am just floored that this much time has gone by so quickly. I can't imagine what you'd look like or be like any more. I still have the image of you as a little baby burned in my mind. Still, there are times that I get a small inkling from looking at your sisters at what you might look like...but who would you be now? How would your plans for life be unfolding at this time in your life? Would you be going to college or trade school? Would you be in love? Would you be in the military? Would you be an athlete, artist, musician, scholar? I guess these questions will be with me forever...but it's official that you wouldn't be a child any more...and I think that hurts more than anything right now, and I don't know why. Days like this the pain is so fresh... I've learned to cope with it on my own now 99% of the time and most days it's just a twinge when I stop to think of you, but I miss you still and always will. You're precious and I will always be grateful for your presence in my life and all the valuable lessons that you taught me. I love you Dougie. Happy Birthday.

Indeed. Happy Birthday, Dougie. Your godmother still loves & misses you, too.

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica

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