AM~Erica was Running With a Reason

So anyway...

I realized I haven't done a post since the end of June. A lot of life & chaotic schedules kind of took over July & bled into August. But I thought I'd sum up a few of the things since our last race happened. (reminder HERE)

We went on vacation. We went back to Colorado! We didn't think we'd be able to do a whole lot for vacation this year due to monetary depletion (we did have a GRADUATING SENIOR & such), so we were trying to come up with something on the cheap. It came to our attention that we could use a shared discount on a condo in Colorado, very close to where we stayed last year, for a killer deal! So...we took it! And we spent the week of Independence Day at Lake Dillon. A parade in Breckinridge, a concert & fireworks by the lake, as well as some other things. Like? Mountains.

Ahhhh...mountains! My hubby & I love the mountains. And with us picking up running (reminder on my journey HERE), we were excited to take in the scenery during our runs...as well as the weather.

As we planned our runs in the high elevation, we knew it would be odd breathing as we ran & tried to brace for it. We did run slow & not nearly as far...but running around the lake's dam AND having the mountains around us...during the sunrise...in 50-something degree weather...was magical. I would like to throw in that we were running 3 miles at 9,016 feet...thank you very much.

We had also heard that once we came back down to sea level, our running would increase & be amazing. You know what? It felt amazing to run when we got back! And? I even ran a whole 4 miles shortly after our return home!! CRAZY!!

But then something happened. I felt it. It was a lot like the feeling I had for the week before we lost my grandmother 3 years ago (reminder HERE). I'm in MUCH better shape now, though. And I couldn't breathe on my runs. My last living grandparent, my grandmother who I had so many of you PRAYING FOR last year, had been in not-so-good health. We knew she may be slipping, but I didn't want to believe it. The time was coming that I had been dreading so hard for so long. And I was getting that feeling. I didn't like it. I couldn't even run for a mile & a half because it felt like someone had me pinned down with a steel boot on my chest...even while I was upright.

After a couple of days of this, my concern was heightened for my grandmother. We were being told we should probably see her very soon. I already made up my mind we were going on Monday, July 21st. We would make it work, and that was that. She was not cognizant & was seemingly snoring loudly. The hospice nurse with her was talking about seeming all of my grandmother's CDs & noticed a lot of gospel & hymn themed collections. So...she found an all-hymn station on her iPad, turned on the bluetooth option to play thru my grandmother's TV, and just played hymns for my grandma as her body was failing. The nurse told me she could see my grandma's eyebrows going up and down & her jaw was moving...we guessed she was trying to sing along. The nurse simply said they were enjoying having church. Loved it. We spent a little while there with her, letting her know we were there & letting her know we loved her. It was hard to see her that way...so hard. Then...on Tuesday morning, July 22nd...my dad called to let us know she'd gone. The day I had dreaded for years. Wow...it hurts all over again just putting that back out there...

I was grieving so hard...I had to take some time off running. It hurt to breathe. And it was hard admitting that. My physical grief had taken over & I just turned my focus on helping getting things prepared for her funeral. Which was SO hard. I'd known this woman for 40 of my 24 years. And I wasn't looking forward to the funeral (duh! right? I know...I  know...) because I knew it would be the very last time I would gaze upon her. That may be weird to think about...because it wasn't her...just her shell...but still...the very last time.

After all of that, I knew I needed to start running again. Why? I had race a week later! And hoping I could pull myself together to get thru the 3 miles of the Royals Charities 5k at The K (aka Kauffman Stadium) that even includes running the warning track of the field! So...I got in some distance, a bit easier, and even some hills...
I wasn't even looking to PR (set a Personal Record) this race due to my training set-backs. But I wanted to run for my grandma, and someone brought up wearing an angel pin during the race. She had so many angel pins, I could have quite a pick. I also decided to write her name on my arm...and then to just go have fun. Especially since I probably wasn't gonna PR anyway...

My hubby was running, as well as my friend Beqi (who also ran our last race)...and our encourager from our last race, Rob, ran this one, too!

And...Holi Stromboli! My hubby is a stud & PR'd in a HUGE way!! He was a RockStar!! And...AND?? I totally PR'd, too!! You wanna know what else? Well, I'm gonna tell ya anyway. I decided I would pose for the camera. Especially since I "wasn't gonna PR". LOL!

That's right...I finished the race by doing a grande jete' over the finish line...as a dancer/runner should.

Also, I came in 508th over all of 1500+ racers, 23rd in my division. HUGE!!

Then, in the time since then, we've gone to Chiefs' training camp and been getting the kiddos ready for school. Also...I haven't lost any weight, but it's been redistributed & I'm down a dress size.

We now are getting Teen Girl ready for college...and then another race.

I've picked up my training & getting ready to do the Blacklight Run in a couple of weeks...the first race I ever registered for. Ever!

Mourning my grandmother's passing while coming across so many reminders, and also continuing training...so many changes gone thru & still to come. It's been a lot. But still going...

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica

AM~Erica Wanted it to be a Dream

So anyway...

I want to tell you all about someone I met almost 11 & a half years ago. I met Renee on my first day of work. Several of us went out to lunch on that first day, a first day that I shared with someone else. Renee was training the other one who started with me.

Over the first few weeks, I started getting to know Renee & her fabulously quirky personality. Over-the-top & innuendo-filled conversations led to a crazy-fun friendship. But we also got to know the deeper part of each other's personalities & began supporting each other thru work situations & beyond. She was single & going thru some relationships that were not the best. She helped & supported me emotionally thru some things I was going thru, too.

We went to lunch often & had several "adventures". I think my favorite one was the time we took a lunch break to walk around Wild Oats (connected to Whole Foods stores). There were samples everywhere that day. At that time, there was a fairly new snack food on the market called Pirate Booty. There was some out to be sampled. It a puffed corn snack, and we decided to try some. We ended up at the deli where she got Naked-brand drink with her lunch. When we got back to the office, people were generally curious as to what we'd been up to. That day was no different. So when asked what we did over lunch, we told people, "Well, we got ourselves some pirate booty & Renee got naked." Well...it was true! And the looks on our co-workers' faces was totally priceless!

Another one, that I still talk about often, is when she introduced me to the "little Chinese buffet" that we worked close to. It was run by a group of Mexicans. There was a taco bar at the back of the Chinese buffet. We would go eat there & the little Latino guy would seat us, and he would ask, "How many?" Renee would hold up 2 fingers & proclaim, "DOS!" *snort* I miss that...

Eventually, Renee began having some health issues. I eventually had a dramatic exit to the workplace. As I left, I called Renee to tell her I would not be returning. I do know she didn't stay much longer & she called to tell me that she turned in her notice. 

We kept up with each other for sometime. Our staying connected slowed, but didn't stop. I was very concerned about her health. She went thru some things that I didn't know about & I got onto her that she needed to at least have her mom call me if she was in too bad a shape to tell me if things were not going well.

At one point, her mom did call me. She was in a situation where her mom had hoped that I could contact her to maybe help Renee feel better. So I did call. I talked to Renee & I was very worried about her. And I did what I could to talk her thru that rough time. She did get thru it & was getting back on her feet...but she had more health issues that drug her back down.

I would check on her occasionally, and she would check in with me, too.

During an up time, I got to meet her for lunch & I was so excited about it! Then she had more health things happen. I did get to see her about 3 years ago when she came to hear my hubby preach while we were in town. Her mom had to bring her, but it was so good to see her & give her a big ol' hug!

We've talked on the phone a few times since then & had hoped to get together. Her health & our schedules kept conflicting. But we talked from time-to-time.

A couple of days ago, I got a call from her. She had told me she was going thru more crazy health stuff, about her crazy stay in rehab after a surgery she needed to have. She sounded good. She sounded positive & we were planning on getting together once she got out of there! I couldn't wait to see her cane that she was going to have bedazzled! And it was the first conversation we'd had since we first met that we only talked about the here-&-now. We didn't talk about our past adventures, but where we were going to go from that moment on. Before we got off the phone, we said good bye & shared our love for one another. Like sisters, we could pick up at any point in our friendship like we never lost a day. And I couldn't wait to talk to her very soon once she got out of the health facility.

So I thought it was very weird to receive a call from her last night, late. I missed the call, but saw there was a voicemail. It was from her mother...*gulp*

She was trying to track down "Renee's friend, Erica." Eventually...the words came out of her mouth: Renee passed away in her sleep.

I've been afraid of hearing these words for years...but certainly not after the conversation I had JUST HAD with her. It's devastating. She was about 6 weeks out of turning 42...

This is a difficult day. I keep replaying the last couple of days in my head. I took notes that her mom gave me about where the funeral will be. I look at them knowing it's reality...wishing it wasn't.

Last night was a fabulous night with friends at our own Oktoberfest that we'd been planning for weeks. I got the call literally as the last guests were leaving. Such a high to such a low in the snap of a finger.

You know those dreams you have that are so weird, or euphoric, or awesome that turn really awful, or scary, or sad so quickly? That was my night. I was hoping it was a dream like that...and just that: a dream. But it is, in fact, reality. One I must deal with. One that has a crushing outcome. One that is devastating.

I await the funeral arrangements & dread going. Because it doesn't seem possible.

It was a blindsided blessing I got. I got to tell my friend goodbye & that I loved her. Not everyone gets to do that. But she didn't call me to say she had cancer or that she had a short time to live. She was planning her life afterward. And I was in that plan. That's what makes it so hard.

I pray for her mom to deal with all of this. It's the only blood family she really had left. There are cousins around & an aunt, too...but her mom is the one who was taking care of her & hoping to get her back on her feet.

Last night was such a hard conversation with her mom. I'm still in shock. So are many others.

I am going to miss this beautiful & kindred spirit of mine. Terribly. She was like a sister. And we will have no more wacky adventures. So my memories are going to have to do me just fine. And they will. It's just hard right now.

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica

AM~Erica Goes to a Funeral

So anyway...

There is going to be a lot in this post, so bear with me.

For those of you who know what happened this last week, my family & I truly appreciate the prayers, thoughts, and words of encouragement. They have truly meant so much.

For those who are trying to figure out what the heck I'm talking about, I got word this past Sunday morning I got word from my mother that my grandmother, Connie Burr, passed away. The past several years have been rough as she developed Alzheimer's. It is a cruel & ugly disease! It is something that took a fabulously witty, intelligent & creative mind to leave a shell of a woman. It was very difficult for me when I had to be reintroduced to her about 3 years ago. By the time this was over, she wasn't recognizing her own 6 children. She left behind quite a legacy, for sure! And, what's even more amazing is how much she put her growing family first! I had a connection growing up with her as we both collected dolls. All kinds of them! I remember comparing them with her, or I would bring whatever new doll I got for Christmas over to her house to show her my new addition. She would take me to a room or to the attic to show my a doll she's had or one she'd just received. Many years ago, I made doll for her. I made a Martha Washington doll (at least in my head). I poked my fingers so often from the LARGE needle I used to attach the porcelain head, arms & legs to the soft, stuffed body; I got glue on my trying to make the doll wig stick; I completed her with, what I felt was, the perfect dress. My grandmother was quite a special woman, indeed! I even learned so much more about her when I read her obituary. What a remarkable woman! How sad how much of that left so long ago.

I am at peace with her passing. It was difficult to see her for the last time at Easter seeing what Alzheimer's had done to her. I know she is in a much better place. It will be hard dealing with the grieving process from my mom, my aunts & even my uncle. On big holidays, the family would gather together (6 siblings & spouses, 10 grandchildren & spouses, 23 great-grand children) for meals & company. It was always in her presence. And now it will be different without our matriarch. I miss her soft & raspy laugh, I miss her loving & ornery since of humor. But she celebrates now & awaits the rest of us to join her.

When I found out about her passing, my husband & I were at the Missouri United Methodist Annual Conference in Springfield, MO. I was keeping the news a little under wraps, not wanting to draw attention, especially since I was at peace. If you know me well, you will know that I have a thing for butterflies. They bring a spiritual sense to a situation & at least one seems to show up somehow when I need it most. I was speaking with a pastor at the conference, Angela Olsen, about a beautiful butterfly necklace around her neck. She did not know my situation, and she said to me, "Can I tell you my butterfly story?" Of course I welcomed it! It was a beautiful story filled with God's love & vision. I watched her get chills...and it gave me chills & hope. A spiritual butterfly showed up for me in that time. I tell you that story to move onto this story...

I was at my grandmother's visitation when one of my aunts began to tell a story about that Sunday morning after she received the new of her mother & a butterfly came & landed on her friend. It stayed & visited for a while. My aunt wanted to know why it landed on him if it was really her mother. She held out her finger & the butterfly went to her & stayed with her for quite some time. They walked around with it for a long time for a butterfly. Then she exclaimed that she knew it was her mother, because, you see, my grandmother loved butterflies. Every time my aunt saw a butterfly, she thought of my grandmother. Apparently, my grandmother's favorite song is called "The Lucid Butterfly". Interesting since everyone tried so hard to hang onto every lucid moment during her Alzheimer's. So I feel like my grandmother visited some of us maybe to let us know she is OK.

Now we move to the day of the funeral...
I put out some wording lately that was taken out of context...kind of. The pastor who gave the message & officiated the service is not Methodist. That's where I will choose to leave it. The family wanted my husband to speak in some capacity during the service, but was denied. The family was told that no one else could say anything until the body was committed to the ground at the gravesite. It would not have been a big deal if the message was that of comfort & love. Instead we got very little comfort from the pulpit that day. We were reminded about Adam & Eve and the original sin. I am unsure as to why that had to be brought up just to tell us that my 88-year-old grandmother died of sin. It was a horrible & awkward moment. It really was. He also spoke about he would visit with her, but that's where it should have stopped, because he added the words, "once a month". It sounded like it was something in his schedule that he had to do. Those three words could have been left out & it would have been much more personable...instead it sounded like a civic duty that he HAD to do. There was only a brief celebration-of-life moment when he compared to the shepherd by herding & caring for her family. That was it. The obituary was more of a full celebration of life than the entire funeral service. This was also a service that was promised a choir or song leading, and neither happened come time for the service. The family had hoped my hubby would give words at the graveside or give the blessing during the luncheon back at the church. These didn't happen either; it was my mother who offered extra words at the graveside since this pastor didn't open it up after the body's committal. When we got back to the church, the pastor is the one that took the blessing. The family was very disappointed & knew that my grandmother would have loved for my husband to have done or said something besides being a pall bearer.

I want all of the clergy out there to know that you do what you can to bring comfort to the family; make it a celebration of life instead of a full-on theological lesson. I am letting you know that the words spoken from that particular pulpit did NOT help! We were/are blessed to have each other as a family with lots of love & humor. All of that was so much more helpful in this case.

Once again, my family & I are so thankful for all of you who have given words of hope, been vessels of God's word knowingly or not, prayers & thoughts. It has meant a lot...and the grieving begins & the celebration of a beautiful life continues.

If you are still reading, thank you for sticking it out & let me get this out.

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica