AM~Erica's Dark Side of Despair: There's Work to be Done

So anyway...

Quite some time back I made a decision to be as open & honest as possible about my mental health.

I hit a hard low, very recently. It had been building, but the depths of despair became unbearable. It was to the point that I knew I had to make good on a promise to find help.

Luckily I'm blessed with friends who can oddly sense when I'm entering a dark place - even when they are no where near my vicinity.

I hit a major low. It had, apparently, been slowly building...apparently. I just know I had a new symptom kick in that I am not used to: sensory overload. I have not been handling it well, and it has been affecting my actions & reactions. Irritability, snap reactions, all the sound being too loud & garbled at a level 12 through the air, people (yes, even my family) are just too close in my bubble, everything is making me feel claustrophobic - like I'm slowly melting & collapsing on the inside, as well as not handling the ebb & flow of an ever-changing schedules well. Yeah - that. It was leading to empty despair that I was getting lost in. A deep, dark abyss was swallowing me up - I was drowning on dry land.

My hubby wanted to bring it up, but didn't want to scare me & possibly bring me down any more. I have a very dear friend who messaged me to see if I was OK.

As I am training for a big race coming up, I am needing to get some hard running in. I had a plan of how I would work in a couple miles of hills, not too long ago:
My hubby headed back to work from his usual extended lunch at home, so I had some time to perfectly work in the time needed to get the hill work in before the hustle & bustle of getting the kiddos picked up was to commence. I was coming onto AND on my first big hill when my phone was vibrating like crazy on my arm. I knew I needed to cut the run short, knowing I at least got one hill in. As I looked at my phone, I realized my hubby AND daughter had been trying to call me! I called my daughter back first, and she exclaimed, "Oh! thank God! You're alive!" I was very confused by that, and really wrote it off as usual over dramatics. She told me she was done with work...and hour & a half early! Without getting to get rehydrated, proteined or changed, I had to take my semi-sweaty self, still in full layered running gear, to pick her up. I was NOT happy for the shake up.

I usually tell someone when I go on a run, but I was just going to be gone a short time. I didn't have to start getting kids for at least an hour, plenty of time to get my run in...and didn't figure my hubby would be calling since he JUST left the house with some meetings to prep for. So, I was just going to work it in...

Come to find out, I had been exhibiting an upswing in my odd symptoms, and when neither by hubby NOR my daughter could get a hold of me, they truly thought I'd taken drastic measures with my life.

**********

When my friend flagged me down (one who lives NO WHERE near me), she said she was worried about me. She gave me the number to NAMI so I'd have it right in front of me so I could call & get help. Because I already knew I was probably at that point to make good on a promise that I would try to see someone if I started to become consumed by the abyss.

I got myself together, called NAMI, and a guy very quickly asked where I lived, then gave me a number for a very close by place to call, and that was it. So, I took another deep, and labored breath to call the place. Since I'd never been before, I actually had to leave a message in hopes someone would call back with help.

In the meantime of the wait, I broke it to my hubby that I had called to find help. That's when he said he was glad, and started breaking down all of the signs I had been showing for longer than I'd realized. And here we were, at my lowest point in a very long time.

I sat nervously wondering if I'd get a call back from the ONE place I was given a number for. All of my energy was put into those two phone calls: NAMI & place NAMI gave me the number to...

In my estimated guess (because I was in a slump of time in this moment), it took anywhere from 3-4 hours to get a call back. My thought process, in this time, was feeling forgotten by a place you were told could help me. My thoughts were going to dangerous places. If I couldn't get help, and if I couldn't deal with everything going on around me, and if I was truly frightening my family with my apparently-obvious burden...well...

...however, when they finally called, I had a release. I told them my despair & why I needed to see someone. I let them know I was given their number by NAMI, who's number I was given by an important friend. I let them know what I was going through, and that, yes, I had thoughts of taking my life...but I wouldn't. My safety net is that the means my brain goes to for using isn't allowed in the house; I don't have the energy to seek it out, either.
I was put on hold to see what they could do for me...
Then I was told they didn't have much room for me, that they really only help the uninsured & those in financial need, and, "...here's some numbers for you to try. But if you can't get to them, please call us back. Make sure you have the crisis line close by incase things escalate for you. And take care of yourself." I was told this after hearing what I was going through AND acknowledging the tearful despair in my voice!

I took down the numbers, but here's a basic rundown of options I was given, even in the state I was in:

~ Call you insurance & maybe they can give you some numbers of doctors in your network

~ Here's numbers to two different psychiatrists if your insurance covers them

~ Write down the crisis line to have handy if you think you will truly hurt yourself

You know what? It took every fiber of my being just to call this place. After two phone calls & waiting for the second to maybe call back...I was spent.

I looked at my list of numbers, and I knew I physically & mentally didn't have it in me to call any of them. My despair became even greater...

My hubby just kind of stood idly by. Not because he didn't care, but he was shocked by the despair & the lack of help this place was willing to give me. He reminded me of a counselor who comes highly recommended, and someone I have met before. He gave me the number (of course), but I wanted to be able to just quietly research each of these names I was given...

I couldn't get any reviews of names I was given, and the list on my insurance was too great to try to get through or to make heads or tails of to even know where to begin.

So I looked up the counselor, and this one didn't take my insurance, but had a list of questions I SHOULD CALL MY INSURANCE ABOUT BEFORE MAKING AN APPOINTMENT!!

At this point, when someone is so low in despair & pain, one should NEVER have to deal with this kind of runaround. Ever. Because, if I'd had the means necessary, that would have been my problem solver rather than having to make even one more phone call...even to the crisis line.

**********

Here's something I need you to understand about me:
I thought I had my depression under control enough that I could shake it when needed. I knew what to do & mostly how to deal with it. I was NOT prepared for a new symptom to kick in. I didn't know how to deal with it. At all.

I haven't seen a doctor about any of this for a VERY long time! Why? I had this in the bag! Was I cured? Nope. Just figured I had a good enough handle on it.

I was wrong.

As I advocate for people to go see someone when they need to, and I am such an advocate for mental health & suicide prevention, nothing truly prepared me for this shake up.

This is where I'd been oblivious & selfish. I thought I had a grip on all of this. Not in a pompous way, just really thought I didn't need to see someone at this point. I didn't need medication & I could get a handled on my down times.

So now I need someone. And someone who needs help so badly can't get the help they need in that moment...

Imagine someone who's never been through this before:
They get to a point of needing to call someone, and they get just enough energy to do so. But it turns out they have insurance & make too much money to get to the one place they were told to call. They have no idea they shouldn't have a means to take their life, but they can't deal with calling another number, even the crisis line they are told to keep handy, along with 3-5 other phone numbers. There's not energy to call anyone else; there's no energy to call yet another number...so they do all they can think to do to get rid of the pain since no one is taking time to help them get better...

We are in amazing times right now, people! Right now, mental health awareness is at an all time high! The stigma is lowered, but not gone. So, we are in a time when healthcare is supposed to be great for all of us & taking care of all of us, especially with mental health...
...but it's not. The system is continually failing those in need. When someone is in desperate need of help, the last thing that should be happening is to be given the runaround & told they need to go elsewhere with a list of numbers they cannot make sense of, or energy to call.

We wonder why we lost yet another wonderful soul to the devastating abyss of the fatal outcome of suicide because no one was willing to help them in the mental illness state of their health.

This is deplorable.

People can't get meds when they need them, people can't get in to see someone when they are in desperate need of someone professional to get them back on track. So, when they can't get the help they need WHILE in their time of need...we are about to lose someone else.
If a place is supposed to be there to help, is willing to listen why they need help, but won't help them, it's like a diving instructor helping someone dive off the diving board into an empty pool.

Those of us who do suffer with a mental illness are still expected to live our lives.

These illnesses do not discriminate. They don't care your gender, your color, your height, your financial situation, your living situation, who you love, your relationship status, your age, your religion or beliefs, your nationality (background)...and it certainly doesn't care what you've got going on or what your plans are. It will strike when it wants to.

I have a summons for jury duty. And, right now, I cannot get a medical release for my state of being. I have to try to help the system when the system is failing me greatly.

I am trying to be an advocate for those in my place, right now, as I am battling to stay afloat - even while trying to make plans for greater advocacy.

**********

Now then, as part of our overall health, we should have a counselor (at the very least) to be able to see when things aren't going so well. Do this while you are not at a low point. Give yourself time to get to see someone. Because they won't help you get started when you're at your lowest.

This is a sad truth right now. You want despair? There it is!

As for me, I'm on a slow upswing...
I'm not back to where I need to be, but wow! I have sure learned a lot about my dark side, as well as the dark side of the system - you know, the ones who are supposed to be stepping up to help those in despair.

But I'm working on myself right now. I will get to those phone calls when I have the energy to talk to someone about them. Someone new, anyway.

So let's all get behind each other, know how to handle each other in an actual mentally ill state, and let's get set up with someone professional so that you can have better access when you are in those horribly low times. Because I never want anyone to be passed around while they just need the help of one person.

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica

AM~Erica's Dealings With All at Level 12: It's Too Much

So anyway...

Believe it or not, I've been working on this blog post for almost 2 months. Stopping & starting with every little distraction around each festive corner.

I literally scrapped what I'd worked on & decided to start fresh & new. After several days & weeks of not completing a blog post...you can begin to wander.

Look, I've been struggling. Big time. More than I realized.

Me today. Not all of my days are full
of happiness - this is one of them.

My depression has kicked up. But it's different this time.

Something has kicked up in me, though, that I need to make note of: sensory overload.

This has thrown me off. This happened to me only once before only a few months ago.

I had been down one day. Someone brought up heading to a book store. There's a Half Price Books close by, so I thought I'd go over there to see what I could find...however, when I walked in the door, something happened...
...I began to look around, and it became too much to deal with. Too many choices, too many books, too many stuffs. I began to have a near anxiety attack just thinking of having to choose a book from any section - from walking by the featured section & the knick-knacks up front. Just. Too. Much.
I promptly held my breath, spun a 180 on my heel, and bolted out the door! I couldn't take it!
A book store.
A book store was too much for me to deal with.
That seemed ridiculous.

Now it only happened that once. I don't remember anything to that magnitude ever happening before.

Until a few days ago:
My hubby & Teen Boy enjoy some back & forth about politics along with world happenings. But deep & nearly debating - loudly. They both know how to project anyway...but each sentence gets a little louder, and then a little louder...
I don't deal well when a "casual" debate strikes up as it is, but it got over-the-top! I actually went & hid in the master bathroom to get away from the seemingly tense air of the discussion. They weren't even arguing - just discussing. But it was too much to deal with. I couldn't do it.

Then, regularly, we get verbal interwebz. What does that mean? It means at least one of the kiddos has come across something (generally a list of some sort) on the interwebz, and then just launch into reading it ALL to us/me. Often. No prep - just BOOM! Random interwebz list.

Now then, this can generally happen from Teen Girl as she tries to talk over the ridiculously loud politico discussion happening...while...a video game is going on & someone is probably verbally showing disgust in how it's going - loudly.

Now then, when does it bubble up? When I'm trying to research something, read something, discover something, create something. I cannot focus on what I would like to, or even need to, because there is SO much other stuff happening. All at once.

Then, we only have 2 cars. So when the kiddos need to be somewhere or need picked up, it's up to hubby or I to take care of that. When we have at least a good idea of schedules, something always seems to happen that switches things up: a different or shifted lunchtime, a different work schedule, last minute pickup change...
So, when I'm trying to plan to have things done, it doesn't happen. Why? I'm dealing with the schedule changes within the household.

All of this has been happening at once!

Hence the ever changing feel & tone of this very blog post that I've worked on, changed, trashed, restarted since the beginning of December.

Good things have come with the new year. I swear. But at this moment, I'm overwhelmed, irritable, can't deal with being questioned about everything (ever get to the point where you feel like you have to tell the family you have to go to the bathroom or just walk to the kitchen?), micromanaging for what THEY are wanting/needing & forgetting there's others...and only 1 me.

*sigh* 

I'm running on empty. I can't seem to get footing on some of the things I love being a part of. I'm too busy dealing with everyone else, the schedule changes, the lack of audio courtesy, the being pulled 8 other directions - even last minute.

Today, I had hoped to get in a bit of a run: hill work. I'm working training for a big race! (more on that another time) So, I waited until my hubby went back to work from an extended lunch time, got myself bundled, stretched, hydrated, and headed out. I wouldn't be getting Lil Guy for about an hour, then off to pick up Teen Boy, then over to get Teen Girl from work. This timing would work. Not a long run, just enough to get in about 3 big hills - and maybe just under 3 miles.
In the midst of one of my big hills, my phone was vibrating like crazy on my arm...they would have to wait. I'm in the midst of focussing! But it kept buzzing - I looked & saw hubby was calling. Looks like I might need to cut things short. I finished that hill & one more that would get me back home. Not even a mile & a half, but realized Teen Girl had been let off an hour & a half early! Now all was thrown off - again. I took my sweaty self over to get her so I could get back to actually rehydrate, then change quickly to get Lil Guy, head straight over to get Teen Boy AND let hubby know I was fine. Angry & frustrated, but fine.

This has been happening so often!

When you suffer with a mental illness, it's important to get in "me time."

Bad thing is, I can't get footing to get any of that done.

I don't have time for my steampunk stuff lately.
I don't have time to bake too often (I will make sure a King Cake is done for Mardi Gras)!
I don't have much time to play with my new dresses - except for church. There's SOMEWHERE!
I don't have time to work up any dances.
I don't have much time to blog anything (this post should be some proof of that).
I don't have time to enjoy running. It's all about training.
I'm barely getting in celebratory time.

I'm constantly working around others' schedules. Yes, yes...I'm a mom! I know! But there's a point when I can only give of myself so much.

If I could go away for a day or two, that would be awesome. But I can't.
There's too much other time being filled with other stuff happening. Not even counting my summons for jury duty soon.

I'm just trying to keep afloat. I know the crisis line incase I need it. Because I feel like I've been close. I have a jumping reality as I'm trying to deal with this new overwhelment of sensory overload. Trying to figure out if it's something new, or if it's a new onset symptom of my depression.
I don't get anxiety attacks. At least not too often. I can generally explain the few I get. But these last couple coming on with the overwhelming sensory stuff has thrown me, for sure.

Until then, I need everything coming at me at a level 12 to be toned down to at least a 5. But not sure how or when that will happen. I may need help in dealing with this very loud air. It's tense. I'm not dealing well.

Hoping putting it down here will keep me in check.

It's nice to be needed...but at the same time, I don't have much left give...something needs to change.

Let it be known that I truly love my family! The mental illness I struggle with is just making it difficult to cope.

I made a promise to a select few that if I was feeling worse, then I would find help. It think the time has come...

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica

AM~Erica is Talking Suicide

So anyway...

If you've been around for a bit, you know I've stepped up in my advocacy & education for mental health & suicide awareness. I've blogged on it quite a bit (reminder HERE), but I just want to come out and talk about a few things. Just outright.

It's what we should be doing. Amm-i-rite? Having the open conversation to keep it real & honest? It's supposed help break the stigma surrounding it. Right...RIGHT?

Well, this is what we need to be doing.

Found this perfect gem on Grammerly.com's FACEBOOK PAGE.

I've said that I need to talk out my struggles so I don't act on them. It's what's worked for me lately. I'm not on medication now, and haven't been for a long time. That wasn't always the case. Trust me, when I was on my meds...I needed them!

Some people need to be on them all the time. Some don't. All of our journeys are different. We cannot forget that. What is working for one person doesn't mean it works for the next person. Just as we were all made differently, different treatments will affect us differently. I can tell you what worked for me, but that doesn't mean it will work for you.

Just like all the different mental illnesses & disorders out there. They are not the same! Many can have the same symptoms, but it's different for every person who has to live with any of it.

Much like those of us who suffer with suicidal thoughts. The thoughts I have, plus the means I would use in my skewed reality, might be very different than those someone else might think or try to use.

*TRIGGER WARNING* 

(means & methods of suicide to be discussed here)

~if need be, scroll to 'END TRIGGER WARNING'~

I was recently having a conversation with someone who had a run-in of sorts with a guy who was putting down those who have suicidal thoughts. He called anyone who brought up taking their own life a coward, then he said if he heard someone say that, he'd test their cowardice by handing them his gun to see if they'd do it. Then doubted they would, because, you know, they are cowards and all.

OMGoodness!!! Isn't that just horrible?

This is obviously someone who needed some education. I know the person I was talking to tried to explain to this guy that how it's not cowardice, but a cry for help. Also, this person asked the guy if he'd really be OK with someone taking their life by his accomplice of handing his gun to them...what if they used it?

I want to talk about this a bit more. About the means & methods.

When I attempted my suicide, I took a lot of pills. Not an overdose of one thing, but one or two of as many pills I could get my hands on in the house while swallowing them down with one can of Coke. I had enough pills to last me thru every sip or two of that can. And I do mean sips. There were no big drinks taken...just slowly consuming the pills & sipping enough liquid to get them down. I don't know what all I took, or even how many all together, but I do remember 1 or 2 Anacin being in there.

That was my means of choice in my skewed & blurred reality, and it all just needed to end.

I obviously survived it. So, I have lived experience. And, I know I'd never use that type of method again since it didn't work.

I also know what my next means would be in an upcoming attempt I would use. I don't want to! JUST. KNOW. THAT. But when I'm that low, I can feel it...

Here's the deal...
If you know someone who has suicidal thoughts, they probably already know how they want to end things. So if you know what they have talked about using as their means...please make sure they cannot get to it...or that it would be difficult for them to try to use it. Don't leave the opportunity open to see if they'd try it! If that's the case, and they use the means, they are successful in completing their suicide because you didn't think they would...that's on you. Harsh? Yep...because it's true.

Now then, remember that guy that would test the cowardice of someone talking suicide by handing them his gun? If he heard me say I was having suicidal thoughts, and if he handed me his gun...I'd use it.

My original means was to overdose. This was even before I knew I had a mental illness of any sort...I just wanted it to end. But I didn't want to hurt myself. (Remember? I was in a skewed reality...and a teenager.) If that guy heard me talk suicide at that time, and handed me his gun, I wouldn't use it. Why? It wasn't the means I wanted or the method going thru my head. So I guess he would have thought I was a coward. Even though he had no idea what pain I was feeling...the hurt I was dealing with every day of feeling like a worthless failure. I just wanted it to end. But not by someone walking up to me with a firearm & telling me to use it.

Nowadays, when I'm low, I do sense the cold feeling of the metal barrel. I used to feel it against my temple for quite some time, but it has very recently moved position, but the same means, nonetheless.

This is why I cannot have a firearm in my house! And it's why I have the feelings I do about guns & it's connection with anyone with mental illness. (read it HERE, if you dare)

But guess what. Just because that's what I'd use, someone else with the thoughts have a different means lined up. If you walked up with a gun to someone who is actually thinking about hanging themselves, overdosing, jumping off a high spot, cutting themselves, asphyxiation, or anything else...the gun won't suffice.

Don't get me wrong, there might be a few who might be willing to use any method "necessary", but for the most part, a method & means is already in their heads...and that's where the focus is.

By the way...that guy was part of a Christian motorcycle group. Think about that for a moment.

*END TRIGGER WARNING*

I know that was heavy! But I hope it makes sense. We are supposed to be talking about this, right?

Part of why I wanted to bring this up, too, is the fact that we all can look for signs of someone in crisis. If you turn your back, pretend you don't see it, or prefer to stay oblivious to it, it could be a matter of life & death. Literally.

Words are important, especially in promoting a cause or a charity. I try to step up to track down journalists & bloggers who are careless in their wording in articles or on the news. I won't do it publicly to shame them, but will send a private message to them, if possible, to let them know about how words matter. But if that option isn't available, a public comment may have to be the route...if even that's allowed.

Recently, I learned about some more change up in wording & terminology. I'll share them with you, then I'm going to give my take on it as someone with lived experience. So, here goes...

The term "Warning Signs" is now passé. We are supposed to use the term "Invitation."
So, if someone is showing signs, it's supposed to be an invitation for you to maybe take action in some way.

I have no issue with striking the alarmist word of "Warning," but I want to talk about "Signs" & "Invitation."

These are two very different things. They cannot really be lumped together.

If I am having a conversation with you about where my head is at or that I'm feeling low, that is the invitation. I don't do that with just anyone. It would be my hubby & maybe another person or two. But it's directed to anyone I'm discussing my darkness with, especially in the moment.

Now, just because I haven't invited you into my conversation, it certainly doesn't mean you can't spot signs of crisis. (reminder of the Five Signs HERE) <<=== *IMPORTANT LINK*

The invitation is talking about it. The signs are what you show.

When you go to the DMV (oh yes...I just brought that up), you are invited to check in to where you need to go. Then you head to your place, but you can see the signs of what is happening for others there at the DMV.

Invitation; Signs. Two different things. Yet both are extremely important!

When you're driving, that stop sign ahead is meant for you. *Invitation*
As you pull up, you can see the other stop signs or yield signs & you know what the others are supposed to do when they see them. *Signs*

Not necessarily the best examples, but just a thought process into the difference between the two. They cannot really be lumped together. But they can achieve the same thing in the end. In this case, it could be about life or death. Much like in the vehicles...if you ignore the invitation, or if the other signs are ignored, it could be very ugly!

Also, we are still having the issue of having the word "committed" paired with "suicide."
Let me be clear: this continues to add to the stigma. It sounds like a crime has been planned out. This is NOT the case! And we have to stop using it, as well as calling out others (even media) for using this terminology. The individual died by suicide, completed suicide (I'm not fond of this one, but it is used), or took their own life due to fatal complication of mental illness. The fatal breaking point is maybe the worst side effect/symptom of mental illness.

The thing I do is commit to live...not commit to die. Let's not forget that!

~~~~~~~~~~

Whew! There's a lot to unload here. But vital things in the realm of mental health/illness & suicide conversation & understanding.

The more you know, people. The more you know.

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica

AM~Erica and the 'NO' Button

So anyway...

Our summers go by so quickly. By the time July hits, we are supposed to be in the relaxing part of the year. Amm-i-rite?

Not for us. Actually, July has been a blur in our real life timeline. It gets so full of stuff, it's like someone pushing the fast forward button as we keep looking to the next thing...all while trying to enjoy or be IN the thing we are doing at the time.

Here's how it goes:
Around Independence Day, we work trying to get some time in at the lake. Which we did this year.

We are having meetings to prepare for VBS (vacation bible school), then we are trying to get things set &/or finalized for vacation. Then we have VBS for the week (where I've been the storyteller for these past 4 years). It takes incredible set up and possible set changes for these 5 days. Imagine when I'd try to beg, plead, cry & have bribes ready when I was trying to recruit actors. Even doing the story with just me & Teen Girl can be taxing. Oh, and we add in a prep meeting for Creative Arts Camp.

Then, we move into vacation time. When we spent the previous couple of summers in Colorado, though we did several things, we had time to...you know...relax. This wasn't the case this year. Our speedy, information-filled trip to Chicago was a bit harrowing. So, not much relaxing.

When we get back from vacay, Teen Girl & I promptly jump into heading up the dance classes for our church's Creative Arts Camp. It was originally called Worship Arts Camp, but had to advertise it more secularly so it could be shared in the schools. Kids can sign up for the week & take in 3 classes of an array of creative things! Performing, art, playing an instrument...in all sorts of ways! This is my 5th year doing it with Teen Girl. It's really an impressive deal. It's also a WHOLE lot of work! And usually the crazy in the kiddos is flowing by the 3rd night. Plus there's a showcase of all the things on Friday.

WHEW!!! Let me catch my breath...

As things are finally supposed to be settling down, I've realized something...I've got a whole lot of stuff to do still coming...

Here's the thing...
My "NO" button has been malfunctioning for years. Every time I try to fix it, there's something that doesn't connect. And I have issues saying "no" to things.

In my intensely-seemingly packed schedule, I began to think through everything I'm a part of & have coming up. I keep thinking that I should have said no somewhere! But I don't know where that would have happened...

Then I started thinking about it...I've got a lot of things I'm passionate about. I know where my gifts lie. When some of these things crossover, I tend to get asked to volunteer with things...things I know I can do AND be passionate about! How can I say no?

As I began sorting out everything I have had going on, as well as everything I have coming up, I began to realize these are things I have been invited to do & be a part of!

Between doing VBS, Creative Arts Camp, being on the committee to organize this year's DeFeet Hunger 5k Run/Walk (by the way, you can register now HERE), accepted a position on the Greater Kansas AFSP Chapter Board of Directors (find out about our chapter HERE), getting ready to step up with our church's children's Christmas program, been made a moderator on the Welcome to Steampunk social media site (we have a great group HERE), gearing up to help & plan our church's Trunk-or-Treat event...not counting any stepping up we need to be doing as parents for school stuff. There's a lot. There's so many great things I'm so blessed to be a part of! Things I'm excited about! Things I can get excited about!

But I realized why I believe my "NO" button malfunctions when I'm invited to these things.

See, when you have a history or onset of mental illness, like depression, you have these times of feeling worthless. You aren't, but you sure feel that way.

All of these gifts you possess, all the friends you have, all the things you have to look forward to...and you can't feel them. It's empty. Even if you go thru the motions of doing them...still...just...worthless.

When you are someone with mental illness, you have to become self aware enough that you can self care before it spirals. One of the self care things is to destress; you're not supposed to take on a bunch of things. But...

...you get invited. You get asked. Someone recognizes you for your gifts, your presence, your passions. At times, these invites come in like a tidal wave! And we say yes to all the things...because in the times we aren't asked to do anything...well...we go to a place where we feel empty & worthless again. Even when we aren't.

It's a tough cycle to be in, yo! And it becomes hard to set boundaries when you feel needed; when you feel wanted. You feel awful, but you have things to do! They are supposed to keep you going..

...and then it all becomes so overwhelming! All of a sudden we have too much to do to keep up with! And we long for our barren place of not being wanted.

The cycle starts all over again.

Now then, I just wanted to put that out there for anyone who hasn't been in the position to understand this before. I do hope this help.

Just know that I'm OK. As of this writing...I really am OK. As I was thinking thru everything, it hit me why I have trouble saying no sometimes, and to give you some perspective, maybe.

I'm truly excited for the things I'm a part of! I'm so excited for the things coming up!

I also have ideas swirling in my creative brain that I am not going to act on right now. Some things I would love to...but it would be too much right now.

See? I can get my "NO" button to function a bit...even if it's to myself for the moment.

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica

AM~Erica Campaigns to Change Direction

So anyway...

Big things are happening. Important things.

With MY OWN STRUGGLES, I have felt called to become an advocate, in the field & personally, for mental health & suicide awareness moving toward prevention.

Today something important is beginning.
The Campaign to Change Direction!

Today, I have been asked to show I know the 5 signs of mental illness onset.

I know the signs

These signs are very important! If you or someone you know has been experiencing one or more of the 5 signs, I urge you to find help NOW!

I want to take this moment to urge you to also learn the 5 signs, know them, take the pledge, as I did, that you know the signs.

http://www.changedirection.org/make-a-pledge/

I would like to ask you to join the campaign...

After you take the pledge, take a selfie holding up 5 fingers to show you know the signs. Tag it with #ChangeMentalHealth. Then, ask others to take the pledge, too. Next, post it on all of your social media accounts. Be ready to talk about it...mental health AND the signs.

A personal visual of the signs - do they look or feel familiar?

Think of it this way:
If you learn CPR, you would see someone who is in distress & could use what you know. If you knew their signs & knew there's something you could do, would you just watch them suffer? Would you tell them to get over it? Would you make them feel bad about their distress?
Or...
Would you step in & do what you could to save their life until you could get them professional help?

Same thing with these signs.
If you know these signs & see someone in emotional distress...would you just stand by & tell them to get over it, or do you step in & get them to a place so that professional help can take over?

Let's get this rolling!! This is so very important!!
One in nearly every 5 people suffer from mental illness. This is about 42.5 MILLION Americans. And the conditions are more than likely diagnosable AND treatable! And it could be anyone at anytime.

If you see these changes in someone close to you...take care of them. They are in a blurred reality right now.

If you see these in yourself, I am so proud of you. Please find help!

Let's break the stigma & help this campaign explode! It might change, even save, a life, a relationship, a bank account, a job.
This campaign is THAT important.

You're move. What do you plan to do?

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica

AM~Erica Wants to Describe the Pain

So anyway...

If you have kept up with me the last couple of years, or a little longer, you will know I speak up about my mental health, as well as advocate for treatments, preventions, and hopefully cures.  (reminders HERE) And, even though I am better most of the time, I still have my moments. Sometimes the moments are triggered, sometimes they seem to come out of no where...

Full disclosure at this moment: I'm having one of my days. Not one of my deep dark ones, but I feel my insides feel like I'm dangling my feet over the deep, dark abyss. Trying very hard to stay on top of it. I promise. I recognize it. I want you to know that it's a good thing.

It's a day a feel bad about myself. Like I've done something really wrong. I haven't...but there's the days, the moments, you suddenly feel like the worst person on Earth. It could be stress, not sure. But I know it's there...creeping. It's uncomfortable while making it's presence known. And it's very real.

I want to make that very clear. These feelings are real & exist. And I hate it!

So, I'm putting it out there, today, for a couple of reasons:

1. I have found when I find ways to talk about it, I can keep this thing at bay. So, I'm "talking" about it.

2. This is a good opportunity to explain this invisible illness in yet another way.

Not only do I suffer from depression, but I also get migraines. Ugh. Like a lot of women, as a matter of fact. It bums me out that I'm such a statistic. But I gotta deal with it as these things come.

With my migraines, I try to catch them as early as I can. Because if one of my headaches get rolling & I don't have the chance to try to put on the brakes...the atrocious pain levels become excruciating! Every sound hurts. Every light hurts. Every thought hurts.
Sleep certainly helps in the long run. And I have to hope my nausea doesn't come to fruition...because I will be camped out on the bathroom floor with a rice pack &/or a bag of frozen veggies for my head &/or neck as I try to get comfortable enough.
You can see it in my eyes when one hits. And, when they are bad enough, the thoughts get dark...

...I want help. But not the appropriate help. I get the "suicidal migraines." These are headaches that hurt so much, and you feel you cannot bear it any longer...
For me, I will have the thought, "If I only had a gun to forcefully put a hole in my head, I might be able to relieve the pressure."
Oh man...just putting that out there is breaking my heart. But that's how great the pain can be with my migraines! And? No one doubts when I have one.

No one tells me to think more positively to get rid of it. No one tells me it's a sin that I'm suffering with a migraine.

Here's my point: I liken my migraine pain to my depression pain & beyond.

Even though my suicidal migraine thoughts are actually separate & different than my typical (I promise I'm using the word "typical" loosely), they run quite parallel.

When I have a migraine, no one questions. People want to help. People want it to go away & want to go out of their way to help with what they can. People will leave me alone when they know I need to be alone. But when the pain is so great, and I cannot think clearly any longer, any thought that already hurts can actually become harmful in thought. But I'm so wiped, I would not & could not act upon it.

When I am having a down & empty day, a day when I'm feeling sad & worthless, no one should question. The pain can become so great, I cannot think clearly any longer...and there are the times when I think there is no other way out of the abyss than thoughts of great harm...I want to relieve the pressure. Since the pain is in a different place, it could be very easy for me to act upon it.

My thoughts in my depressive & suicidal states become different. I know how I would want to relieve the pressure. But it's those factors that cannot be around within my grasp. In my lack of logic, and in a state of an off reality (because that off reality is still my reality in that moment), I want to relieve the pressure of a pain that is so great. But...sometimes I can sleep it off. Note: SOMEtimes...

I want to make it clear that not all of my episodes of either state are like this...but...they have been known to get there. Also...I am never "committed" to that! EVER! I DO NOT CHOOSE that kind of state to be in. So the fact I want out of it should say a whole lot.

This goes for anyone else who has been, or is, in that position. They are so ill, they are in a lot of pain. They want out of it. They cannot seem to find another way out. Tomorrow doesn't feel like it will help. And that's where the promise of tomorrow from supportive people come into play.

When someone is feeling so ill, how do you treat them?
If someone comes to you saying they have cancer, do you doubt them? Do you doubt their pain? Do you think it's something they choose? Or do you want to help them anyway you possibly can knowing they want it out of their body?

This week, the Senate actually got along. There was a vote for a bill, called the Clay Hunt Veterans Suicide Act, that went up for vote. It passed, overwhelmingly, 99-0. There was one vote absent, but they were a co-sponsor of the bill. You realize this was a unanimous vote...from ALL sides...right? This means so much...but it also means every person in that room understood the magnitude of this. They were affected in someway (i.e. whether losing someone they love, they know someone who suffers, they may suffer themselves). And it begins with the ones who sacrifice so much of themselves for our own freedoms...many of them suffer. The ones we owe so much to, for our freedoms being defended so fiercely, are finally getting the help they may need recognized.

(Read about it HERE)

It's a huge & important step toward the fight for suicide prevention...and mental illness. And I'm so proud of the Senate for allowing it to start there.

The Clay Hunt Veterans Suicide Act is now on it's way to the White House. And it's exciting! And moving. We have to start somewhere...so why not with our veterans? At least! But I think it should grow from here. And we are on the way to diminishing this ugly thing of mental illness using suicide to take lives.

It is still a touchy subject for many. I have had several come to me, in absolute confidence, about their situation: whether for themselves or about a loved one. I will never breach that trust. It's hard to talk about. But it shouldn't be.

I'm not ashamed when I have a migraine. Why should I be ashamed when I am having an episode of depression...and maybe even thoughts of life escape? It means I'm ill.

Are you ashamed when you have a cold? Allergies? Sinus flair up? The flu? Announcing we have strep throat? When your child has chicken pox?
We put it all out there on social media & in our circles...so why can't we talk about the mental illness with the same amount of ease?

So I'm trying. Today I'm feeling under the weather. I'm down. I have an illness kicking up. And I'm talking about it. Because I know it's one of the remedies that works...for me.

And I will be OK.

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica

A Good Cause for AM~Erica to Decorate

So anyway...

It's that time of year again! You know...when October is over right a midnight...all the ghouls & goblins are getting tucked in bed from getting & eating so much candy...and then...BOOM! CHRISTMAS!

You see it a little bit before that as holiday decor & gift sets begin to leak into spiderwebs, masks, makeup & pumpkins...but it just takes over come November 1st!

This doesn't bother a few, but for many it can be really irritating. It's like the precious middle child of Thanksgiving GETS PASSED OVER.

I'm not big on that thought. Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas! It's just a bit of overkill of commercialism the moment we flip our calendars to November. No breather between the Halloween hype. Just turn around and we are smacked with the hype of commercialist, materialist Christmas stuff.

OK...so the elections happened, too. And I am SO thankful the negativity of the mudslinging ads are done, but I'm talking holidays here.

Now then, even though I'm so irritated by the onslaught of Christmas carols loudly piped thru the grocery stores, along with the sound of actual jingle bells & premature twinkling of lights on trees & wreaths, I did some prep work by buying some ornaments, glittery things, clip-on poinsettias, and a tree. Then I went straight to decorating that tree.

Yes. On November 1st, I fell to decorating a tree. But it's not for my home. We certainly aren't ready for that yet!! Instead, it was for an incredibly important cause!

If you remember a couple of years ago, my mom, daughter & I decorated a tree as part of THE ENCHANTED FOREST. It was such an awesome experience, we did it again!

The Marillac Center is an organization that helps children & teens in the mental health department. No matter what payment can or cannot be, they take these kids in to make sure they are put back on track to be able to function in society without hurting themselves or someone else. And I am so proud to be supporting them! We get to help them with creative contributions so that they may auction off these holiday creations to be able to supplement payment for the families who cannot pay for the treatment of their child's mental health.

Find out more about Marillac HERE

So, with an idea I had about 5 years ago, got the stuff, but never got to use it, I got the chance to recreate the idea this year!! YAY!!

We got an unlit tree, gold bow topper, pine cones, gold curly ting ting, poinsettias, ornaments in deep reds, coppers, browns, add gold ribbon, snowflakes & icicles, you get a beautiful tree called "Warm Winter Splendor"...

It was nice to have Teen Girl in town to help decorate. She was amazing wielding the hot glue gun!! And my mom found some beautiful decorations to add to our gorgeous tree! It was definitely teamwork to get this thing together!

Unfortunately, Teen Girl had to head back to college & could not join us for the decorators' reception. But my mom & I fought the insanity of rush hour traffic & parking to get in to a portion of our reception & so we could enjoy taking in & critiquing the other trees & wreaths. It's what we've done for 20 of the past 22 years. And we snapped some pics of our tree set up...

"Warm Winter Splendor" is one of many trees & wreaths up for bid this weekend ONLY! Bidding happens on site, so if you are in the KC area, you can head over to the Overland Park Convention Center to check out the Enchanted Forest for FREE & to make a bid on some beautifully decorated creations!

You can also purchase a ticket to get in to shop at the Holiday Boutique...which also helps benefit local businesses AND help out Marillac!

And if you need an extra push to get there, I want to tell you what happened when the CEO/President of Marillac sat down with my mom & me at the reception. Lynn Lemke introduced himself, sat down with us, and thanked us for donating a tree. He then when into a brief description of Marillac...and then did something amazing! He told us that he'd spent the evening sharing a different story of a child with every person/group he was speaking with. Then he chose to share this particular story with us:

There was a boy who lost his father to an alcohol-related death. His mom was addicted to drugs. He was living with his grandparents, but needed to be helped for his mental health state. He was having a rough time, and was even suicidal. They worked with him until they could get him back living with his grandparents. And at that point, he had told Marillac that he was looking into maybe a career as a therapist thru music! Isn't that awesome?? But the story doesn't end there...
Mr. Lemke went on to say that there was a Marillac fundraising gala recently. He wanted to find one of the kids to speak at the gala to make the awareness very real. He asked Zack (the boy in the story). The grandparents were asked first, and they agreed as long as Zack felt OK with it. Zack was reluctant, but Mr. Lemke informed him that there would be nothing to be afraid of. He told Zack that we are all failures at some point, and it's OK to say that we have issues. And, even though Zack was still going in for outpatient upkeep treatment now, his story would be a great one to share. Zack agreed to speak in front of 200 people. That night, in front of 350 people at the gala, the sound system didn't work the whole time...that was until Zack got up to speak. The sound system worked perfectly for the 20 minutes he told his story to the crowd. Afterward, person after person after person approached Zack with congratulations for a great job, with gushing encouragement, and so many thank yous for him being so open with his story.
This led to Zack telling Mr. Lemke that this experience changed his mind about a career & is now wanting to be a motivational speaker.

Several things about Zack's story resonated with me. And, if you read about MY OWN STRUGGLES, you will know why it hit me so hard & why I tried not to ugly cry in that moment. Only intervention of the Divine led Mr. Lemke to tell us that particular story.

With my recent advocacy with the AFSP (more info HERE), I am also wanting to do more with Marillac. If we can help these kids early, maybe they can be functional prepared & functional adults.

In God's time was it made aware to me why I felt led to do a tree for Marillac after so many years of just attending. But it took until now to truly understand.

So...won't you go to bid on a tree? Not just "Warm Winter Splendor", but any of the trees &/or wreaths to help such a worthy cause?

By the way...as of last night, there was already a bid...now it's your turn thru Sunday!

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica

AM~Erica is Gonna Walk Out of the Darkness

So anyway...

I'm gonna do it this time. I am...I'm actually gonna do it...

This girl, right here, is going to walk out of the darkness.

I was asked to so this last year, but I could not work it.

The time is coming, and I am so moved to finally be a part of this.

If you haven't figured out by now, I have picked up running. (reminder HERE) I have even done a couple of races...with some more on the way very soon. Several of them are raising money for different charities. Most of the ones I've seen & looked into all have the donation from sent from your registration fee.

Well...I have now registered for a 5k coming up this fall. It's a walk. It's the walk Out of the Darkness. And it's a fundraiser to help with research & resources, as well as bring suicide awareness.

This is where I will need YOUR help!

On October 4th, I am walking with a team. Team SOLOS has graciously asked me to be a part of their team. Survivors Of Loved Ones to Suicide is headed up by my friend, Jenn, who lost her mother to suicide. And she has actively & beautifully been building a support system to family & friends who grieve for their loved ones due to suicide. And the stories are heartbreaking.

Jenn has been a friend of mine since high school, and who I haven't seen face-to-face since that time. And I have been so glad to have reconnected with her in the last couple of years. And she has become quite a rock for me in my own struggles.

My #SelfiePortraitProject, "Overthinking"

If you click HERE, you will get to the blog tab of my blog posts about my own struggles of depression & suicide. And it will tell you a lot as to why I have been so moved to have her ask me to be apart of this. But she knows I need it, too.

I will be in a group of thousands who have lost those they love due to suicide. That's overwhelming. And I'm sure there will be others who are in my very position, too. That's terrifying...and beautiful. It means we are fighting the fight. We are fighting the fight for the ones who will surround us who are still living in the aftermath they were dealt. They didn't ask for it. But it happened. And I will be in that atmosphere...as the failure I am. Which is a good thing, by the way...

WHEW! Geez...I'm chilled thinking about it. And I know how important it is.

I have also, very recently, come to the understanding of the beatitude, "The meek shall inherit the earth," may possibly be referring to using our weaknesses as our strength to help others with our same weakness. We just keep using our sympathetic reach from our soul to help each other out. And then prevail! Over and over and over again...

So here's where I ask for your help.

I have a personal goal of raising at least $150 BY October 4th. My team's goal is $500 overall. Anything over that is incredible & generous bonus!

If you click on the link, below, you can donate to the cause. I also have a link set up, to your right at the top of the page, that you can also use until October 4th as I continue to blog about the insanity of my life.

I want to thank you in advance for anything you can do. Especially if you are struggling with these things, or if you have lost someone to suicide...let's try to work on the research to move forward in getting rid of these suicides & the attempts, the depression & mental illness that leads to it.

Our local news station, Fox 4 KC, lost a very popular weather guy, Don Harmon, to suicide. It was a shock across the city. But the news anchors & staff continue to do stories keeping depression & suicide in the forefront of some of their newscasts, as well as doing commercial spots reminding viewers that, "You Matter."

Yes. You. You matter! Let's keep this rolling...as I work on my own journey as I continue to walk Out of the Darkness.

My #SelfiePortraitProject, "Out of the Darkness"

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

UPDATE!!!

Due to a very generous donor who this cause has effected greatly, not only is my personal goal met...but my team goal, too!!! But don't let that deter you!! The more we can get for research & resources, the better!! I still ask for your help for the sake of the cause! Thank you!!

AM~Erica Trying to Give Direction to Solution

So anyway...

The TRAGEDY IN CONNECTICUT is still fresh in our minds, as well as the shootings in Topeka. And it seems there's no slowing down the jumping to a solution of sorts to slow or stop all of this.

I was going to wait to give my take on all of this & really open up my thoughts & where I'm coming from, but it appears the time is now.

So...*deep breath in, deep breath out* here we go:

Off we go on more POLITICAL TANGENTS, even with the elections being over. It hasn't slowed up. It's frustrating. And, as usual, both "sides" are sounding as insane as ever.

With the fiscal cliff looming (Solution: FLAT TAXES by percentage of what you make. Too easy? Whatever, just do it & get over it.), there are still people mudslinging from all directions.

Here's the dealio, y'all...the focus on gun control is not the answer...solely. Like it or not, there needs to be a major tightening. And even if you don't like to hear it, mental health issues need to be on the background checks for gun purchases, at least a reference from a doctor/phycologist/counselor, and a number of guns cap needs to be set. It's not a matter of taking them away, there is an issue of "control". Yet many just want to carry around pistol...or automatic weapons, like we are back in the old west. You know, settle an argument at high noon with a dual because you felt threatened. If you are not part of law enforcement or in the military...there is absolutely NO reason for a civilian to carry a gun unless it's in the woods because you are hunting for food...NOT GAME! The conceal & carry is a sham, in my opinion. I didn't say take them away. There's those who want to have them at home to defend their household & property from trespassers, but just note that you can still be shot, wounded, deablilitateyd, or killed by the trespasser who may have a gun. Your own gun would have done you no good. Will it keep the guns out of the hands of the "bad guys"? No. But keeping an actual registration of guns in the possession of persons will be a major start. You don't have to agree with me...but there is actual common sense here.

The biggest problem is the insurance & healthcare thing. Obamney-Care (that's right, it's still based off of Romney's stuff) is not the answer. Do we need all to be covered? Absolutely! But not at such a high of price. There is absolutely no reason anyone should be charged $20 to take 2 Tylenol while getting hospital care. It's about price gauging, for sure. Make it illegal to charge so much for use of equipment & things. Bring the price down so healthcare is affordable. Oh...and make it OK for people to get the prescriptions they need & make it OK to see the right specialists without the hinderance of insurance barriers. Trust me...it's happened to us. And marketing prescription drugs publicly is not OK, and should be taken away from them. Why? It's up to health professionals, not the everyday WebMD checker, to tell if they need it. Cut out that marketing & hopefully that will help with "big name" prescription costs going down. No one should ever have to pay $400 for any medication! When drug stores can offer $4 prescriptions, that should set a precedent.

It is so very wrong for people who need a particular attention given to them, but can't because insurance won't pay for it, and then one cannot afford to pay for it out of their own pocket. It's a disgusting vicious cycles that has to be broken! Oh...and taxing people who can't afford healthcare isn't the answer either.

These two issues are completely tied in together. It's both/and...not either/or. (see about my PURPLE POLITICS)

I, personally, am against the possession of civilian guns. That's my thinking. But...I wasn't brought up with them, either. No defending "my side" will make me want to jump into that mold of defending my 2nd amendment right when I've never had to deal with it...and been just fine. And the segway is that if I did want to get one, I truly hope I was turned down. Why? Because I have mental health issues.

If you remember when I've talked about my DEPRESSION ISSUES, I also said that I had been suicidal. I tried to overdose, and it didn't work. Luckily. However, those issues are never truly gone for me...I can easily slide back into those deep, dark areas. And I have brought up that I imagine another way of doing it, but I cannot make that work, which is a good thing. I can imagine the barrel of gun at my temple & can feel the cold metal against the right side of my head. If there was a gun in our house, I might find a way to use it. So the possession of this weapon is off limits!

That being said, I know there might be some kind of violation of privacy, blah-blah, if health records were a part of this background check to purchase a gun. I know of more than one person who either owns a gun or would like to that have mental health issues & are on medication. If this is the case...a weapon of destruction should not be in your possession...or under the same roof where they reside. Friends & relatives should know what your issue is & know that showing you where they stash their firearms or lending one (or more) to you is a serious lack of good judgement.

You know what all of that leads to? Murderous rampages. When someone who is in serious need of psychological help uses a firearm to take out many, and you turn around and defend them having a gun...guess what you look like. (Note: at the same time, whining & pouting because someone does have a firearm is just as crazy...because it is in the constitution.)

I have seen a couple of posts from people who have shared painstaking stories of loved ones who were lost to mental health issues to the point that they were no longer the same person. Good people, but who ended up with a twisted view on life for whatever reason. It's sad & horrible.

We have to realize that, if these people who need mental help, they can still use any means necessary to get their "point across"...they will find a bat or club, knives or axes, even create a bomb.

Along with some of these psychological triggers is the incidental glamorization of the assailants in these tragedies. If every name & face of these killers are all over the news & media, they got what they wanted...notoriety. Remembered for something big. The more we talk about their names & cover every inch of their lives...they have made a name for themselves...just as they had hoped to do - you know, like the last guy who did it. If we focus on the victims, it is no longer about the killer. We don't glamorize them anymore. But we get this sick curiosity about them & try to get into their minds. Why do we even want to be there when we see the outcome?

Morgan Freeman was credited with pointing out the media for being the big issue of a lot of these tragedies by sharing the name & face of the assailant over & over & over &...
As it turns out, Morgan Freeman didn't say it. But the words still ring true...to a point. The media is another large portion of the issue. Don't give anything personal away about any murderer. They seek & crave that kind of attention in these cases. And then we still cover their trials & every moment leading up to what's coming to them.

The glamorization of "reality" television with the people we make celebrity for outlandish behaviors & our lack of talking openly & honestly about mental health issues contribute greatly to this.

Gun control, healthcare, and media have jaded us as a people. Keeps us divided because we are focussing on the wrong things at the wrong times.

I've also heard that it's because God isn't allowed in our schools anymore. There is still prayer happening, mostly silently by teachers for their students & their days, and by students about to take a test. There is still gathering at flagpoles & Fellowship of Christian Athlete clubs that still meet & pray...in schools. We have worked SO hard to not offend, that we have been forced to be the defensive. And it forces us to hand out participation trophies & not make anyone work for anything. Just show up & you get recognized.
Where are our priorities, people? What are we really wanting & really fighting for?

President Obama, once again, delivered a beautiful speech at the inter-faith service for the fallen children & faculty in Newtown. Again, he spoke from being a parent. He was truly emotional...and I know. My hubby had to deliver A HARD SERMON this weekend & had the same tone. You get emotional, but know you have to keep it together in that moment. And when the president said that changes need to be made...everyone jumped to conclusions as to what he might mean. You know what he meant? He meant that CHANGES NEED TO BE MADE! That's it. That was not the time or place to spell it out. Did he elude to it? Yes...but guess what? It was a lot of what I pointed out here. It's more than gun control, folks...it's mental health issues, too. Don't just hear part of it...hear the whole of it. Much like scripture...take the whole thing instead of dissecting it into just pieces you want to get out of it.

I apologize for covering this so soon...but I'm sick of people's focus on just a couple of things while others deeply mourn.

I mourn. As a parent, as a human, as an American...I mourn.

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica