As the new year is off & running (some of that is a literal resolution for some of you), there are those who are taking their resolutions & changes by the reins...and riding it out. Then there's those who are trying so hard to stick with the resolutions they made & are already chasing that shiny squirrel down a different path.
If you might remember, I talked about HERE, I am not a resolution maker. My brain & moods take me to all different places so often, I forget which path I started on. I tend to follow the shiny squirrel, that happens to be a dysfunctional hologram, as it appears, disappears & then reappears while it dances with a mobile disco ball. The dancing shiny hologram squirrel also does karaoke sometimes, too.
I know so many folks have made the resolutions to be more positive & such. I think a lot of people want to try to be that way (except the ones happy wallowing in their own self pity). I try really hard to be that way anyway. Try to give the encouraging word...but I freak out on the inside often. And I try to force the happy positivity; however, I do realize that there's times where it's obvious it's forced.
There is not much secret, anymore, that I suffer from depression. (you can read about some of the struggle HERE) And here we are at the beginning of this new year, and I've got that feeling rearing its ugly head.
I've gotten that distant feeling setting in...
...the emptiness...
...the sadness...
It's that feeling of being in a rut...and we just got back into the routine after the extended break we just got thru with (my thoughts on that HERE).
The biblical part of me starts setting in & I think about Jesus wandering in the wilderness while fasting for 40 days & 40 nights...to be led to the tempter (the devil) to be tested. (Matthew 4:1-11)
I feel like I'm stumbling into the wilderness. And I feel like I'm being led to something. I just have no idea what that is. But I'm in the stage of feeling lost...just wandering.
And today is the first time, in a long time, that I've had the overwhelming urge to cry about it. I get the down feelings, empty feelings, distant feelings...but that needing to open up & cry out of no where is a rarity in my case. But it's hard & heavy today.
Then I get thinking about that wandering & fasting for 40 days & 40 nights. That makes me realize it was the same amount of time that Noah & his family were sent afloat when God drowned out the world...for 40 days & 40 nights...with it raining...
...drowning the world...
...yeah...that feeling...
And I try to stay afloat. Because, biblically, the number 40 stands out as the number of years that Moses led the Israelis out of Egypt to the promised land. People...40 YEARS!! And Moses didn't even get to see the promised land!
Then...I get thinking about those I went to school with...and I cringe at each of them slowly-but-surely turning 40 years old. *AAACCCKKK*
Maybe that's part of my issue, too. It's my own biblical wilderness? Maybe?
I don't know.
Right now, it's hard to see that I might be strong enough to make it thru dealing with an evil temptation, to be able to stay afloat while the new shows itself & there's a rainbow (I am gnawing on Dove chocolate at this moment), and maybe I'll get to see whatever that promised land might be.
In the meantime...I'm wandering, drifting & trying to stay motivated to drudge forward. Because there's times like this when it's hard. This is one of those times when I'm not necessarily OK. And I also know that it's OK.
Don't get me wrong...I know I am blessed with so much around me & in my life where others struggle with not having the things I do. But there is a battle I fight. And right now...it's a battle.
In the meantime, I'm going to find one of those trees in my wilderness to sit under & cry for a bit. Then I will continue my journey to see where I'm being led...
Stay tuned...
God Bless, AM~Erica
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