Tuesday, May 15, 2012

AM~Erica's Wall of Positive

So anyway...

After making my confession of depression in a previous blog post, there has been a lot of chatter about the subject. Part of it has to do with May being Mental Illness/Invisible Awareness Month, but it's interesting when some of it comes to light.

I believe I've been fighting my depression since high school, but didn't get it officially diagnosed until about 6 or 7 years ago. Yes, I was on medication for a while. No, I am not doing medication now. Even though I feel like it doesn't hit as often, it still does. And it doesn't take much to flare it up. It could be something big, something small, or nothing at all. And it does affect the way I react to situations. It's not the best. Sometimes I don't realize how awfully I've reacted in a situation. People forget that. And then I get to talked to like a child, being scolded for my actions. I hate the way I react to these situations. And, inevitably, I feel like the worst person on Earth...just the worst human alive.

After I openly confessed to my "condition" the other night, I found some posts on Facebook last night that really got some conversation going. Good conversation. It started with this post:

I put my own caption with it saying, "No kidding...I feel like this more than I let on..."

Believe me when I say I don't try to victimize myself. I hate it when people do that. So, I wasn't looking for sympathy & positive thoughts. The post just stated how it is sometimes. Doesn't mean I like it. No matter how much positivity & love come my way, this feeling still washes over me. It just does. And I do thank my friends for the sweet comments, but it's the ones that get the conversation going that I appreciate. I know I'm not alone in this & someone understands. Because there are those who hear or see what you are going thru, try to understand, but just don't.

Then I saw a follow-up post on Facebook that was kind of a slap on the back of the head:

As true as this is, it is still hard for depression sufferers. We try...we really, really do. But it's still a great reminder.

I had a conversation with a guy (this is important to know) when a post much like this one was put out there:

This GUY made a snarky comment that he just didn't understand females feeling like this. It was actually almost rude. I'm thinking in his own mind he was trying to be nice...but it wasn't conveyed like that. So, I stepped in with an analogy brought on by Divine Intervention, alone.

Brick-by-brick, your family & friends build a wall of positive for you. It's building your self esteem & self confidence. It's by positive & encouraging words of love. It takes a long time to build this wall to make it stronger. And it takes a while to make that wall strong & sturdy. However, when anyone comes along with a negative word, comment or action, it's like throwing a stone at the wall; it causes damage with a crack or hole. Any wall, no matter how strong, is in danger of collapsing in the midst of damage. That damage can become greater if not repaired quickly. Soothing repair is what is needed for damage control & you might have to start rebuilding that wall's strength again. It doesn't matter how much encouragement & love you have to build your strength, one bit of negative damage, no matter how small, can cause damage in the strength of our very being.

Those of us with depression always seem to have cracks in strength appear. We don't handle it well & don't know how to tell people there is damage in our wall of strength. Instead of using stones of anger & negativity to try to patch up our damage, we are in need of the grout of healing. The grout is applied with care & helps to fill in those empty spaces. If you just shove in even a pebble, there is still emptiness & more damage can be caused.

It's the only way I can even explain it, folks. I hope it helps you to understand at least a little more. And I ask that you continue to bring bricks of encouragement to those you love. And if you know anyone with depression, take 2 bricks. And we try to carry our bricks to you, but we are clumsy with our emotions & tend to drop our bricks. We just ask for gentle understanding, even if we aren't the most gentle at the moment.

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica

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