Tuesday, June 19, 2012

AM~Erica is in a Corner

So anyway...

You may have figured out by my previous post about how goofy my brain is, but also by my Mom's Day post as to how hard my brain & heart can be on me. I hit a wide spectrum of functions, emotions & moods. Sometimes I do feel bad for my hubby & kiddos for having to put up with it.

The last couple of days have been no exception. It's almost a high school moment as to one minute I feel like homecoming or prom queen, then the next minute I feel like I'm at the table with the outcasts...or even at the table by myself.

In school, I was pretty middle of the road. I was pretty involved with things, but I just knew everybody. Didn't mean I was hanging out with them, but I could socialize with a large range of groups & cliques. But I didn't really belong to one...and my close friends really didn't either. I liked not being overwhelmed by tons of good or tons of bad. I could kind of coast...socially. Deep down I had a roller coaster going on, but what teen doesn't, right?

It's so weird how we try to get past those high school days, but the weird parts still hang on. I still go thru those days when either everyone wants to talk to me at once & I am overwhelmed in trying to keep up with it all & keep it all straight. Then there's the days where I'm sitting alone at a table. It's weird to know that either you are raised up on shoulders or a pedestal one moment, and then dropped to the ground the next. And no one really realizes it happens. Except for yourself.

The roller coaster still happens in me. I know I've covered it before, but it doesn't make it easier.

Even when I have people all around me, and I know I'm not a wall flower, there's the days I am...or at least feel that way.

Sometimes these come out of nowhere, it could be a little spark that sets it off, a big fire, or just the thought of the burning. But it happens.

There's the days when I'm the one in the cafeteria, at the big table, by myself...in the corner.
There's the days I wave at everyone going by & shouting my hellos.
There's the days when EVERYONE comes to sit with me.
There's the days when no one sees me back there.
There's the days when it seems like my crowded table empties at once & I get blocked in from no one pushing in their chairs because they were in such a hurry to leave.

Is that exaggerated? Maybe. But I do feel like that some days. I just do. Like the "Lo" in "Lonely."

But then I realize that Baby got put in the corner. No one puts Baby in the corner! Not even me.

I can socialize with all kinds of groups & ages. I love the large spectrum. But sometimes I just paint myself into a corner...I just need to figure out how to get out.

I'm working on it.

Stay tuned...

God Bless, AM~Erica

No comments :

Post a Comment