Today, I am celebrating one of the hardest days I have ever experienced in my whole life...
It was a Friday. I went in early, got hooked up & monitored, nearly passed out, got oxygen, and couldn't eat anything the entire time. I lied there miserable, frustrated & wanting it all to just be over with. That's why I set up like this in the first place! Family, friends & health professionals couldn't believe it was taking so long. I needed it over. Badly. Not just for my own sanity, but for the well being of any & all of those around me. I was DONE & desperately needed to move onto the next chapter...because the journey getting to this point had been so difficult & scary.
OK, let me back track to catch you up to speed...
It was February of 2004 when my hubby & I were working on some things within our relationship. In the midst of the discussions, we were strongly considering having another child. Between his daughter plus the 2 we had together, we had three "blessings". Though they are all blessings in their own right, you can read between the quotation marks to maybe figure out what I'm sayin'...
For once, we were actually going to plan having a kid! We knew there were many things we wanted to get done & have in place first, so we were hoping to give ourselves about a year & a half before bringing a new little one into our lives. So...this was our mission. Everything we were going to do was to be in prep of our long term pregnancy plan. However, God got really excited to know that we were hoping to bring another little miracle into our lives...
In June 2004, I had not been feeling the best & really felt I needed to see my heaven-sent OB/GYN. I think it's because I had a suspicion that I might be pregnant...but hoping that wasn't the case yet. WE HAD A PLAN! And, when my doctor & his nurse both saw that I was not in a joking mood, I think they knew I was concerned. Then...the test results were confirmed...and I was still in shock. So much so, I was apparently supposed to get dressed & then head out to the desk for further appointments...I missed some of that as I was trying to process what to do next. What was I going to tell my hubby, my family, my friends, my job? WE HAD A PLAN! But the plan fell thru...and then my doctor's fantastically-sarcastic, wickedly-humored nurse realized my door was still closed. She came in to check on me & realized I was still in my open-back gown just sitting on the edge of the examination table...in shock. She dropped all humor & flipped into super-caring mode to make sure I was OK. She realized I was in shock. She realized I had no witty comebacks for her. I was thrown off my game...my whole game of life. We weren't ready.
Part of the problem was that it would also mean I was to be a high-risk pregnancy. Now...this is a reason I won't go into. Some know what my issue was, but that part is personal. Even though a group did find out without us knowing first, hopefully most of them have forgotten. It's something that was going to be taken care of later in the year...but could not happen at this time. I was stuck. We were stuck. And we were scared. Scared for my body...scared for the baby.
It was a hard several months after that. I was horribly uncomfortable, and terrified thru the whole time. I knew I could lose this baby at any time. This pregnancy reeked havoc on my body. I was always dry...as in I had to drink at least 128 ounces of water everyday, and I had to keep thick hand cream in my hair. I hurt...a lot. And...I was terrified.
We kept the pregnancy a secret from our previous church. Since my hubby is a pastor, he is sent to different churches from time-to-time. He was the associate at our home church & was getting ready to get his very own church. Not only was I scared about the pregnancy (so was he), we needed our time leaving to be the focus. Our last Sunday was on Father's Day 2004. And the family had done a really good job in keeping the news under wraps. We had only told a very select few. It was the same with my job.
We didn't tell the kids until the afternoon of Father's Day to make sure things didn't slip. Only 2 of the 3 kids were OK with it. The other one will be pointed out later...
I really didn't even want to know what we were having. I didn't want to get so attached to this child if I was going to lose it. However...as emotional as I was at the sonogram when we might find out what we were having, the technician asked if we wanted to know, because it was obvious...
I was in tears, because I didn't know what to do. But I know my hubby would want to know...so I sucked it up, held my breath & nodded. When she SHOWED us that it was...going...to...be...a...BOY...I had a strange sense of peace that washed over me. Even my hubby felt it & noticed my change.
I was still terrified...
We did eventually move to a town home with more bedroom space. We would need to set up a nursery. However...I still had issues. I could not go near the nursery-to-be. And I was still miserable. The to-be-nursery became more of a storage room...except when I needed to put something in there, I would crack the door & throw the item(s) in. I couldn't bear seeing this room that would or would not house our unborn child once it came...if it came at all. (Did I mention this high risk thing had me terrified?)
Only 2 of the 3 kids were willing to discuss the baby. They wanted to talk about possible names...even before we knew what we were having. I didn't want to show them my great fears. I sucked it up, tried to keep back my tears & hoped my stomach would stop flipping & turned when the subject would come up. I was not handling this well at all.
Eventually, my hubby convinced me to start talking about names. I kept blowing him off. I didn't want a name for a child we may never get to know. I had put up such a wall about the whole thing...even though I was growing rapidly in girth with what seemed to be a healthy pregnancy. But it didn't feel like one. I was terrified. But I was worn down & talked names with hubby. We weren't agreeing. Not a surprise...but none were going to make me happy...that would mean this child would have a pre-set identity to attach ourselves to. I didn't want it if it might not happen.
Even in my stressed-out-state of being, I was S-L-O-W-L-Y coming to terms that we may end up having this baby born, possibly healthy, and living with us. I did even *GULP* set up the nursery. Imagine my hubby's surprise! Though I was still terrified deep down, I was putting on a better face. We were just wondering how our unsure kiddo would handle this whole thing...
One afternoon, the family was at the mall. I remember a very young Teen Girl (this was WAY before the "Teen" part came) holding my hand as we went down the escalator. She took her free hand & rubbed my belly. I was SHOCKED! Maybe she was coming to terms with it now, too! She looked up at me sweetly, and in a sweet little voice said, "Mommy? We are NOT having this baby!" Wait...wha-WHA?? I informed her it was not up to her, but...just...wow. Didn't help my mood toward the pregnancy for sure. (But I didn't tell her that!)
My heaven-sent OB/GYN was keeping good tabs on me. He knew how I felt. Even though things were going well, the high-risk thing still loomed heavily, like a thick, brooding thundercloud not allowing sunshine thru. He tried to keep it positive by giving me goals to reach. The possibility of the the baby coming early was all too real. I was so miserable that I didn't realize he was just trying to keep things positive & moving forward. In my flustered & terrified state, I was hoping it meant that we were getting this baby out of me at any time! No, I was not in my right mind to think that the longer the baby was baking in my belly, the better.
And then...I got horrible news:
my doctor would be having rotator cuff surgery just a month before I was to have this boy. If I wasn't upset enough as it was, now I have to deal with this change. He would not be delivering my baby. I was crushed! CRUSHED!! However, he had VERY recently brought his son on board to the practice. Like father, like son? Well, that's who I was supposed to start seeing...
Now then...hubby was NOT happy about this either. But not for the reason I was upset. See...the younger doctor, though older than me, was younger than hubby. Hubby was not impressed.
I thought it was pretty funny. One of the lighter moments during the whole pregnancy. I had to inform him that Young Doc:
1. would never be my type
B. would never want a super preggo chic who is horribly emotional
XLVII. would never want someone who wanted to tear his head off while crying every time he saw her
*ahem* Yep. That's what I did to that poor guy in my mental & physical state. I would yell at him to get this kid out of me & I would get all over-emotional & cry...every time. I'm pretty sure he didn't look forward to my weekly visit. And, I really did try to "convince" him (*clears throat* by throwing a tantrum) that I should be able to meet him on the hospital side so he could remove this kid. Bless his heart...he kept trying to inform me that my body & the baby were not quite ready. I tried to beg to differ (yes, in total tears...every time) that I was more than ready.
He decided that he would give me another week. If I was at all dilated, we'd talk induction. I'm pretty sure I was wearing him down with my incredible levels of emotional whining. Right?
After showing up the next week & being dilated to MAYBE half of a centimeter...and after my emotional reminder that he would schedule me if there was ANY dilation...he gave in & we started talking about when...
He asked how Friday, January 21st sounded. Even though the the due date was the 29th...and I was told I could have the kid before January...it wasn't soon enough for me, but it would have to do. I had an additional talk with the doctor that we had to make sure the baby was out THAT DAY!! See...my mom-n-law's bday is the following day. Now, it's not that it's her birthday that repelled me from wanting my son born then...I just really wanted my kiddos to have their own day! It didn't matter which family member it was, I would want to avoid piggy-backing birthdays if at all possible!
So...the countdown began, but hoping I would go into labor before then. *crossing fingers*
Stay tuned...
God Bless, AM~Erica
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